View Full Version : Mothers, Sisters and wives....Arghhhh!
magicrat
13-10-08, 12:09 PM
Apologies for this self indulgent lament but I'm in a slightly awkward situ with my family, and just feel like getting it off my chest really (any advice would also be welcomed)
Was over at my mas yesterday (along with a good chunck of my family too) and my sister announces that she and her bloke have just gotten engaged. We couldn't be happier for them (I think the bloke shes with is a top guy, and they make a lovely couple).
They then announce that they intend to get hitched in Las Vegas (with invites to everyone). I was rather gutted at this, theres no way I can afford a trip like this, and so look set to miss her wedding. But then its their decision to go to Vegas, and they must understand that not everyone can be there with them and its their decision.
However, after announcing that I didn't think I can make it, my mother offers to lend me the money so that my wife and i can go. I turned this down stright away, the reason I can't afford to go is due the huge amount of debt I'm in (damn you 8 years at uni!!) and more debt won't do me any favours.
My mother then extends her offer making the money for flights and acom a gift. I said I'd think about it, but truthfully I feel really uncomfortable accepting this sort of thing. My wife is also of this train of thought - even more so, shes told me that she expects me to turn down my mum's offer.
So now I'm in a situation where whatever decision I make I end up upsetting someone close to me. I think my sister would probably understand if I didn't make it, my mums obsessed that I really should go, and my wife thinks we shouldn't go cos we simply can't afford it.
what would the .org do in such circumstances?
put your pride in your pocket and take the offer.
if you are in a more "flush" (see what i did there?) position in a few years pay mum back
have no regrets, life is too short my friend
Strike a blow for independence and say no. I would not want to go on terms that someone else was paying. As far as your sis is concerned, is your presence in LV (a) essential (b) desirable or (c) indifferent? If (c) then I wouldn;t even think about it. Plus which, your wife's views are more important than your mother's. If you accept then your wife willsay that you're weak and will interpret it as you having more regard for your mother than for her. And, your mother will think that she can still boss you around.
Your sis has decided to go to LV, so she can have the consequences. It's unreasonable I think to expect everyone else to have to follow her there.
meet half way.... borrow enough to send the wife!!
Samnooshka
13-10-08, 12:34 PM
Strike a blow for independence and say no. I would not want to go on terms that someone else was paying. As far as your sis is concerned, is your presence in LV (a) essential (b) desirable or (c) indifferent? If (c) then I wouldn;t even think about it. Plus which, your wife's views are more important than your mother's. If you accept then your wife willsay that you're weak and will interpret it as you having more regard for your mother than for her. And, your mother will think that she can still boss you around.
Your sis has decided to go to LV, so she can have the consequences. It's unreasonable I think to expect everyone else to have to follow her there.
I agree. Good post Ed
Sorry..... that was not really helpfull at all!
Jayneflakes
13-10-08, 12:36 PM
I missed my Brother's wedding and it was a truly painful day.
All of my family were there, except me.
Do it because you love your sister and accept it with grace and dignity, just as long as it is not the sort of thing that will leave you beholden to a lot of folks you don't trust.
Families...
magicrat
13-10-08, 12:40 PM
I think you've guessed my wife's thoughts on the matter exactly there Ed.
I think you're probably right as well. It seems like it comes down to a choice of who I'm going to upset - and I really should be supporting my wife here.
I wouldn't go using other people's money.
+1 on what Ed said.
magicrat
13-10-08, 12:43 PM
[quote=
All of my family were there, except me.
[/quote]
Thats what it'll be like. Pretty much all the rest of my family are going. (apart from my grandparents who aren't up to the flight) It'll be painful if i don't go. :(
Thats what it'll be like. Pretty much all the rest of my family are going. (apart from my grandparents who aren't up to the flight) It'll be painful if i don't go. :(
But its the choice your sister has made by having her wedding in Las Vegas
magicrat
13-10-08, 12:47 PM
A lot of the problem is that my family all love going away on holiday, and pour every spare penny into saving up for them, so to them this is just another holiday, with the savings for the next one directed at it.
My wife and i don't really do hols that much. When we do get money saved up we prefer to spend on enriching our everyday lives, and so don't have such a fund to tap into. I just don't think my family quite get this.
magicrat
13-10-08, 12:49 PM
But its the choice your sister has made by having her wedding in Las VegasI'm sure my sister would be fine with it. Its more likey my mum that I'd upset.
suck in the pride and go.
its a bit of a no brainer. you will undoubtedly be gutted if you miss it. so will she. its a one off. make yourself useful before hand and you won't feel so bad about it and they'll be relieved for the help.
help them with finding a place, accomodation, flights, invites, flowers, honeymoon etc. there's loads you can do to help, its a lot to do
lifes too short -
if you don't go and see all photos when she comes back and regret it - go.
You don't want to be in be in debt and your mother has offered a gift. (she wants to see all her offspring there)
IMO its unreasonable of your wife to expect you not to go. She is your sister and you sound close - I would hate my brother to miss my wedding as and she probably does too - don't intend doing it again.
Swallow your pride accept the gift from your mother - BUT on the terms that one day you will pay it back but at present you cannot afford to.
Talk to your wife and explain how you feel - its your sis choise to get married in LV and u do't have to go but you would be gutted if you missed and explain it in how she would feel if she would miss her siblings wedding.
best of luck mate - families can pull us every way all at once - just make sure that your feelings are not overshadowed by loyalty or not wanting to hurt anyone.
You are the most important thing in your life
and Money - you can't take it with you so enjoy as much as you can while you can and live for the one off moments. - they don't happen often
SoulKiss
13-10-08, 01:14 PM
Well as someone just about to head to New Zealand on tickets paid for by my folks (they are coming too) and who will be mostly staying with my in-laws and friends I cant really say "Dont do it" :)
Which I wouldn't anyway :)
If its not going to put your mum in financial problems, then go for it.
ps Vegas is a great place! i loved it when i went, but did lots of things away from the gambling. theres far more to the place than that...
SoulKiss
13-10-08, 01:31 PM
ps Vegas is a great place! i loved it when i went, but did lots of things away from the gambling. theres far more to the place than that...
Theme Parks with Hookers and Blackjack????
Theme Parks with Hookers and Blackjack????
nirvana!
Dappa D
13-10-08, 01:44 PM
Strike a blow for independence and say no. I would not want to go on terms that someone else was paying. As far as your sis is concerned, is your presence in LV (a) essential (b) desirable or (c) indifferent? If (c) then I wouldn;t even think about it. Plus which, your wife's views are more important than your mother's. If you accept then your wife willsay that you're weak and will interpret it as you having more regard for your mother than for her. And, your mother will think that she can still boss you around.
Your sis has decided to go to LV, so she can have the consequences. It's unreasonable I think to expect everyone else to have to follow her there.
+1
your wife's views are more important than your mother's.
But her mother's views will always be far more important than yours. Funny that.
magicrat
13-10-08, 02:32 PM
And she lives next door! :shock:
Dicky Ticker
13-10-08, 02:43 PM
Stone and a hard place-------but you chose your wife to make a life TOGETHER,thats with her,not your sister or mother,its your wife you live with not them.
By all means speak to your wife and let her know your feelings regarding the matter,life together is often compromise by both parties. Perhaps the interest free loan from your mum paid back when you can afford it is the answer PROVIDING IT DOESN'T UPSET YOUR RELATIONSHIPS with either your wife or mother,or make you feel beholden to your mother
Only you and your wife can decide-------not this forum
GOOD LUCK
I wouldn't go using other people's money.
+1 on what Ed said.
It's hardly other people's money, it's your mother's! When she brought you into this world she accepted she was going to provide for you. AFAIK you haven't stopped being her son so that still applies. Your mother wants you there & is willing to pay for you to be there. So you should accept with good grace IMO.
If you've recently been through & still feeling the effects of 8 years of uni I am sure your mother is very proud of you & will not think any the less of you if you are not in a postion to/or choose not spend all your money on a holiday in Vegas.
-1,000,000 on what Ed said ;)
I think your wife should support you in any decision you make regarding your family as long as it is not going to put her & you in further debt.
Good luck with the decision, i really hope you go :)
Dos it really matter if you're not there to hear her say 'I do'???
Your wife's views are much more important. If the others don't like it then tough.
Don't go.
I would not go...full stop.
We dont know your mums situation ,and if she suddenly needed the money in 6 months etc ,how would you feel.You may then have the rest of the family putting pressure on you.My wifes family are always going off together but we refuse to go.We want to go "where we want,when we want".
454697819
13-10-08, 03:17 PM
if its a gift, gratiously accept on the basis that it isnt talked about again so it cannot be held over your head.
If shes hold things then dont.
there are times I have had to swallow my pride to do simillar things and it works out ok in the end.
GazandKatie
13-10-08, 03:19 PM
nirvana!
off Topic but, they were a great band :D
ArtyLady
13-10-08, 03:28 PM
I personally wouldnt go - your Sister chose the venue and if you cant go then she and the rest of the family has to accept that. Do what is right for you.
My best friend had a long weekend Hen Party in Spain and begged me to go - as I have plane/travel phobia I just stood my ground and said no, it was quite easy. good luck! :)
Theme Parks with Hookers and Blackjack????
In fact - forget the Blackjack.
I *think* i've got the quote right. ;)
You know what - I'd actually talk to your sister first.
It's Ok to second guess, but talk to her and find out how she feels about your Mum's offer, the chance of your going or not and then take it from there.
Have they thought about doing a 'second reception' in the UK for friends and family who couldn't make the day?
My housemate's brother got married in Dubai (though we all swear he just miss-spelled Dublin, which is where he actually lives ;)) and they had a fair number of friends and family attend - but had also arranged a get together locally for those that could not make the actually wedding; where they reaffirmed vows etc to make the day a bit more special.
You may find that your sis really does want you there if possible, but won't say it unless pushed because she knows your finances etc. If she is genuinely not fussed then it's really down to how you feel about missing it.
Why not accept the money and go on your own? ;)
ArtyLady
13-10-08, 03:29 PM
A lot of the problem is that my family all love going away on holiday, and pour every spare penny into saving up for them, so to them this is just another holiday, with the savings for the next one directed at it.
My wife and i don't really do hols that much. When we do get money saved up we prefer to spend on enriching our everyday lives, and so don't have such a fund to tap into. I just don't think my family quite get this.
We are exactly the same :cool:
plane/travel phobia
Completely different situation. & it's why his Grandparents are not going.
so when you going to tell your Mum you're not going because you don't trust her not to ask for the money back? ;)
magicrat
13-10-08, 04:00 PM
Thanks for the responses guys, in all seriousness I wasn't looking for the .org to solve the issue for me (its my problem to solve), just wanted to shout my frustrations at people. However given that responses seem equally split between go and don't go I now feel justified within myself for worrying about this (if that makes any sense) :rolleyes:
Right, apply this to my family for a second, not that I have a sister, but bare with me...
I'd flatly turn down the offer of a gift from a parent. I always do, as I grew up they were in huge debt (later declaring bankruptcy) - they can keep their money.
However, I know my mum, and if I did that, she'd drag the other party to one side (sister in this case) and tell them that she'd pay. The other party then insists that you come to the wedding, and offers to pay as a "family loan" (as others have said, done so on a basis of when you have some spare cash, you know where the other person is). I do that sort of thing all the time with my brother.
Then when the other half hears that the sister really wants her brother, and is willing to pay if that's what it takes, it's down to a discussion between me & the other half - chances are I'd agree to letting a sibling pay, but wouldn't dream of letting a parent pay.
However, try & manipulate the above to happen, and you're bound to get caught out.
tanis34
14-10-08, 05:54 AM
Stone and a hard place-------but you chose your wife to make a life TOGETHER,thats with her,not your sister or mother,its your wife you live with not them.
By all means speak to your wife and let her know your feelings regarding the matter,life together is often compromise by both parties. Perhaps the interest free loan from your mum paid back when you can afford it is the answer PROVIDING IT DOESN'T UPSET YOUR RELATIONSHIPS with either your wife or mother,or make you feel beholden to your mother
Only you and your wife can decide-------not this forum
GOOD LUCK
+1 i myself was in a similer situation with my sister in law and i said no we couldnt go due to money being tight ,after the wedding i was made redundent and things got tighter so i was glad we didnt get into more debt you never know whats around the corner so good luck with what you choose:)
Ablazze
14-10-08, 06:02 AM
Why not split the difference & you go & the wife stays in blighty, that way your only using half the money off your ma.
Jas...
your wife can withdraw so many more privileges than your mum ;)
I would chat to your sister and explain to her, Im sure she will understand. She will maybe have a big party when she gets back for all those that cannot make it. Its her day and she has chosen to go to Vegas, good on her. Once you have come to an agreement with your sister then explain to your mum that you appreciate the offer but do not feel comfortable taking the money from her.
good luck
it is after all a single day...it wont ruin your life if you arent there. Personally I would find it difficult to accept money from my mother even as a gift if the only reason she was giving it to me was because I had said I couldnt afford it. In most cases though we could find the money, its just that nobody wants to say that the debt isnt worth the reward.
Since when did people start getting the wedding mixed up with the honeymoon anyway? I would be honest with my sister about it, I would love to be there but I feel the trip is just too expensive. If you really want to be there then you would find the money.
Just my point of view.
To be honest, nobody actually likes weddings, but people do feel obliged to turn up once invited. I am trying to get out of my next one but I am the best man so apparently that’s not an option
As you are a lad from Stanley you will know that your mothers views are always more important than any other lasses that you may have in your life at that time. Girlfriends/ wives come and go but your mother is always your mother.
Only you can make the choice, but I would first try and get the wedding moved to somewhere that is actually nice if it has to be abroad. Italy or Greece or...just about anywhere other than the States.
Me thinks that you have a lot of thinking to do in the next few days...you are lucky that the old cricket club on Ropery lane still has many beers left from its beer festival, and you can not make a decision like this without consulting the wisdom that comes from the bottom of a glass.
I have been with my girlfriend Kerry for over 8 years and the only reason I have not proposed is because I cant even begin to fathom how the wedding would work because of family issues.
I have even suggested getting married somewhere foreign, very far away and very expensive for the exact reason of this topic......so that alot of people wouldnt be able to afford to attend.....she's not 100% happy doing this (As my intention is to avoid having her mother coming) so a life of no marriage is on the cards (No biggy as we dont want kids anyway)
So going on from that, I guess my stance on the situation is pretty clear.
Just dont go.......Las Vegas is a cheap wedding.....but a very expensive trip, you cant go to Las Vegas without getting into the atmosphere, and inveitably money will be spent other than flights and accomodation.
Its just not worth it.
opps better change my wording.....some people do not like weddings;)
magicrat
14-10-08, 10:29 AM
I have been with my girlfriend Kerry for over 8 years and the only reason I have not proposed is because I cant even begin to fathom how the wedding would work because of family issues.
I have even suggested getting married somewhere foreign, very far away and very expensive for the exact reason of this topic......so that alot of people wouldnt be able to afford to attend.....she's not 100% happy doing this (As my intention is to avoid having her mother coming) so a life of no marriage is on the cards (No biggy as we dont want kids anyway)
So going on from that, I guess my stance on the situation is pretty clear.
Just dont go.......Las Vegas is a cheap wedding.....but a very expensive trip, you cant go to Las Vegas without getting into the atmosphere, and inveitably money will be spent other than flights and accomodation.
Its just not worth it.
I think thats part of my sis's reasoning for going to LV - its a (relatively) cheap wedding for them and it ensures a small scale do because of people not attending. Don't get me wrong here - I like weddings, and I'd love to go - but the more i think on it, theres no way that I'm gonna feel comfortable taking my ma's money.
I think she may need reminding that its her daughter and not her son getting married, and if she wants to give away that sort of cash my sis is more likely to feel more comfortable than me taking it. (after all, aren't parents meant to pay for the daughters wedding?)
Mind you, I might feel completely different about all this tomorrow!!
If your mum can afford it - take the money. I would do the same for my kids as well as would most other parents. Give it some time to think it over and discuss it with your wife somemore.
My mother in law died a few months back and one of the best memories we have of us all together is our own wedding and the family being together for this. She always said its better to give with a warm hand than with a cold one.
It's a once in a life-time experience and you will kick yourself afterwards for missing it!
magicrat
14-10-08, 10:37 AM
I feel like I've already accepted a lot from my mother over the years - especially when I was at uni and ran out of cash. I just don't want it to continue.
Perhaps I'd feel more inclined to accept if I was single and my ma was just paying for me, but shes offering to pay for my wife too. (and she's even more stubbornly independant than I am)
your wife can withdraw so many more privileges than your mum ;)
He's married so those privileges have already gone out the window!:(
Here's my opinion for what its worth:
If your mum can actually afford it and I suspect if she has offered it she can, take the money. It means a lot to parents to have siblings together at these times, so actually probably means as much to her as it does to your sister.
Perhaps ask your mum if she would let you have the trips as the next few years Xmas and birthday presents, if she is anything like my mum they are crap anyway, so something like that negates the need for you to feel guilty about the money aspect and also means you don't have to look pleased at the crap you get bought. This could also apply to your wife.
My parents are always helping my sister out physically and financially and occasionally offer to pay for something we are about to do, perhaps a new carpet etc. I always say no and feel bad when they insist, but the feeling passes.
My parents can afford to do this as they have no mortgages etc. and I'm sure I will be the same with my kids when I am older.
They always say things like, I would rather watch you have the benefit while I am here!
Run the suggestion past the missus and go enjoy yourself fella, life is for living!
magicrat
14-10-08, 10:54 AM
Got to admit, the Xmas/birthday present idea is an interesting one.
I often do it as it subsides my guilt. A prime example of this is:
My telly blew up last week and my mum popped round at the weekend and saw the old telly by the door and asked what happened and I explained and said that I hadn't been bothered to go and replace it yet.
So she just said "go and get it and I'll give you the money for it, it will save me trying to think of something to buy you both for Xmas and you'll actually get something you want!"
I protested for a while and then remembered what I got last year and duly agreed. My wife is a bit stubborn too in that way but also sees the sense in it.
Your mum may well have helped you through uni, but lets not forget how proud it would have made her and what bragging rights it would've got her. She didn't pay for it all either just helped when things were hard, IMO that is what parents are for and they are normally happy to help in anyway.
(and she's even more stubbornly independant than I am)
I think she can see a lifetime of you living in your mother's pocket and never being able to escape. She doesn't want to be no 2 in the pecking order. And neither should she be.
Ed - is your missus reading this? Are you trying to score brownie points so that running and the daytona are both back on the cards on the same weekend again?
<snip>
what would the .org do in such circumstances?
Take the money, buy a new bike then disown your family.
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