Dilemma. One I wish I didn't have.

[madness]

I have a dilemma, and I don't know how to approach this one.

My mum is 79 years old and has lived alone since my dad died 11 years ago. Over the last couple of years, she seems to have aged significantly.
Over the same sort of period her house has become less tidy and more importantly, less clean. She also seems not to be that bothered about her appearance anymore. Myself, my brother and my sister have all noticed these things. In fact my sister and I try to do a bit of cleaning when we visit, but we have to be careful and discreet becasuse we don't want to upset mum. My brother wants us all to go around one day for a mass clean up. I think that would upset my mum and we don't want that.
We need to do something as it does seem that she is becoming less able to look after herself, but how do you broach the subject? I can't just say 'Mum, your house is disgusting and you need help to clean it and look after yourself.'

I really don't know what to do.

[Baph]

"Mum, we're all worried about you - you don't seem your usual self, is everything OK? Would you like a hand with anything?"

Simple, yet direct. :confused:

[madness]

"Mum, we're all worried about you - you don't seem your usual self, is everything OK? Would you like a hand with anything?"

Simple, yet direct. :confused:

Knowing my mum the answer would be. "I'm fine, so don't worry. You've got enough of your own stuff to do without doing stuff for me."

My mum's not very good at asking for help or accepting it.

[Bibio]

you have to ask yourself... does she seem happy????

if she is ... leave her alone...

so what the house is getting a little untidy.. and a bit dirty, she is 79, after that many years dosent she deserve a break...

if its a case that she cant manage coz she is getting on, then yes i think she would be greatfull of the help..

[madness]

She seems happy, but seems to have given up on everything. She used to enjoy trips to the shops or garden centres etc., but now she hardly ever goes out. She used to always have a nice tidy garden, but in her own words 'I just can't be bothered nowdays'. She's not even coming to my wedding as she says it's too far to travel.

[Kinvig]

Suggest a home help or carer (surely social services could help) - sell it to her as someone, "to help clean those hard to reach places" or, "You've paid your taxes all these years, let's let the council work for you" etc.

[Owenski]

Im sorry to hear that mate, I hope everything is ok with you, your brother and your sister. Baph has the rite idea I think, an arm around the shoulder approach.
I'd maybe try to make it seem likes its her idea for you to do it.
Im not sure how exsactly it should go, but it'll be better if its not scripted.

[Shellywoozle]

Is she eating ok, lack of energy and interest can be result of a poor diet. I know alot of people who have reached a certain age and have lost their appetite and unfortunatley they become lethargic and disinterested.

Why not take her on a nice day out, or half a day to get her smiling. Maybe she hasn't 'given up' as you say, just slowing down a little due to her age.

Has she got any close friends that you can ask, bet she confides in them, you know what us ladies are like for chattering to one another.

[missyburd]

Your mum probably just doesn't have the energy to clean up anymore, it can be really tiring. Is the house getting into such a state that it could possibly endanger her health? In which case then yes, something should be done. Especially if she keeps any animals. The problem at this stage is that people are still very independent and no doubt stubborn (for good reason) and so any help could be thrown back in your face. But talk with her and approach the subject as people have already suggested, she's probably unaware that you feel as you do and if she knew she was the cause of so much worry I'm sure she'd want to do something about it. She would probably like the help but is possibly too proud to admit it (I had a grandad exactly the same).

Maybe suggest a cleaner to come round once or twice a week and just give the place a vac and brushup etc.?

EDIT: Sorry missed Kinvig's post about that last bit.

[gettin2dizzy]

Sorry to hear this :(

I had a similar situation when a friend of mine asked for help. She did volunteer work helping out a 90+ year old who had no children or partner to care for her. One day when she was in hospital I zoomed round to help clean the house thoroughly as she was too house proud to allow anyone to do it otherwise.
The house was disgusting. Maggots everywhere. Everything thick with the kind of dirt that could only accumulate over decades. It makes me sick thinking back to it now. Opening food cupboards to find them crawling with reams and reams of insects :(

My only advice would be to bring it up now before it gets in to the state I have seen, as the NHS are already overstretched, so the burden lies on you. Perhaps if she knew how much you all cared, she'd make more of an effort, as a lot of elderly people can see themselves as such a burden they just wait to fade away...

Good luck with it anyway. Sorry I don't have any worthwhile input; it's a crappy situation.

[madness]

Thank's everyone for your advice. I don't think she eats that well or that much. I'm sure that she has lost some weight. The house is not at a dangerous to health stage yet. I was round earlier today and managed to wash up some of the dirtiest mugs that I've ever drunk out of. I also cleaned the toilet which she will probably spot as I left it full of blue toilet cleaner.

We have offered to take her out recently, but she isn't interested. As for close friends that she confides in? I'm unaware of any.

[missyburd]

I was round earlier today and managed to wash up some of the dirtiest mugs that I've ever drunk out of.
Clearly never been a student then :-)

Seriously though, really hope you can come up with a solution which works for you and your ma, it is a horrible situation to be in.

[Ian P]

The way we got around this was by putting my Gran into an old folks home for a couple of weeks, saying that it was a holiday, as there is no way she would of gone there full time,
in that two weeks she enjoyed her self so much she never left.
hard thing to do, but was the right thing (the government took all her savings though)
You can only do what you think is right

[gettin2dizzy]

The way we got around this was by putting my Gran into an old folks home for a couple of weeks, saying that it was a holiday, as there is no way she would of gone there full time,
in that two weeks she enjoyed her self so much she never left.
hard thing to do, but was the right thing (the government took all her savings though)
You can only do what you think is right
My grandma did have to go in one briefly, and we could barely get her out!

[Ed]

Mick - what's your mum's sight like? My mother went through a similar phase - her sight had deteriorated very slowly - she had cataracts in both eyes... perhaps your mum can't see the mess.

[gettin2dizzy]

Mick - what's your mum's sight like? My mother went through a similar phase - her sight had deteriorated very slowly - she had cataracts in both eyes... perhaps your mum can't see the mess.In the case I mentioned above, it was exactly that. She couldn't see a thing, but was too proud to mention it.

[madness]

Mick - what's your mum's sight like? My mother went through a similar phase - her sight had deteriorated very slowly - she had cataracts in both eyes... perhaps your mum can't see the mess.

Not sure about her eyesight, but her hearing has deteriorated. These days I can be in the house and walk into the room she is in before she hears me. Luckily she always keeps the door locked.

[-Ralph-]

Hate to say it, but I see a very familiar pattern here. Someone too proud to ask for or accept help, not cleaning, not eating properly, not going out.

This sounds like my grandmother who was struggling to do things far more than she was admitting to and she was very good at hiding it.

She had lived her entire life through the church since her teens/twenties and the early signs were when she stopped going. She said she "just fancied staying at home", but the truth of it was she really struggled with the whole process of getting ready and getting to church and back, and she had decided the effort required to visit to the church wasn't worth the tiredness she would feel afterwards. She didn't have to walk there, somebody gave her a lift, but it was the getting out of bed, having a bath, geting her sunday clothes on, doing her hair, and the whole thing from getting ready to getting home in the afternoon that she found difficult.

A couple of years later, she stopped cooking because she was finding the saucepans too heavy, but she wouldn't admit to that, she would tell you she'd had something earlier or that she wasn't hungry.

Eventually we got social services involved and they sent a Occupational Therapist to assess her and she got the house kitted out with disabled access equipment that made her life a lot easier, but thoughout the process she was petrified that the OT's conculsion would be that the was no longer able to live independantly and that she would end up in a home.

Eventually she broke a leg, she insisted she hadn't fallen or anything (she had osteoporosis and we later found out osteomylitis, so this may be true), but by this point she was using a zimmer anyway so she walked around on it and hid it from everybody for god knows how long, must have been painful but she didn't let on. She ended up in hospital and even then hid any pain/problems from the doctors thinking they would send her home. She died at the beginning of March, two weeks after they told her she wasn't going home again and put her into long term geriatric care.

I'm not saying your mother is the same, but just something to question with your brothers and sisters i.e. do you think she's really struggling and not telling us? If it is the same scenario and you can catch it early all the better, there household aids and stuff that you can get to make her life easier.

[malks]

I can kind of understand what u mean, my own grandmother is getting to a similar stage/age. it is a lot easier for me to notice the deterioration of her than my mum. I can see that she now gets tired doing simple things like going to town to pay bills and pick up some shopping. it's just hard having my mum realise that her mum is getting older and cannot do what she used to.

something I picked up on is saying she used to have a nice garden but now can't be bothered. you should suggest looking after her garden for her, altho this may seem like a small thing, but I think if she doesn't mind you helping with the garden then she prob would like help with other things in her life, but is just to proud to ask. where as if she says she isn't bothered by it at all, then maybe she is genuinely content with her life and is just accepting she is getting older.

[Thingus]

My gran's doctor set her up on a scheme where she gets about £65 a week for help, she pays some woman to come in twice a week to hoover and dust and the like, and keeps £20 herself :p speak to her GP i'd say... unless that's like going behind her back. :/

[Mrs_giggles]

working as a community support worker with people with learning difficulties and mental health problems i have this problem alot, not being botherd to tidy up or dont seem to realise how dirty a place is and due to other problems be that physical or mental they dont have the desire or motivation to do anything.... the best way to get some help is perssuasion you have to be really cunnng and patient as it may take a few months even six for them to accept that they need help, keep talking to her and discussing how she will feel if she did not have to do all jobs herself. as for not going out look at local arganisations, churches etc as they do coffee mornings etc, this giving attitude to things is proberbly comming from lonliness and a sence of isolation, my nan was the samw when my grandad went to a home with altzeimers he does not remember her any more so went through a period of greif and was all i cant be botherd but now goes out on the bus nearly every afternoon to town after going a couple of times, she really enjoys getting on the bus and talkin to all the other women as much as going shopping.KEEP SUGGESTING THINGS GIVE HER THAT PUSH, dont be too worried that you may hurt her feelings she will thank you in the long run
hope this helps!!

[fenjer]

Madness, where does your mum live?

Do you think she would come and stay with some of you for a weekend, and let the other family go and clean up a bit, make things a bit easier? I know you mentioned she doesn't like going out much, but maybe a change of scenery would perk her up?

Can you maybe look into home helps for her? Someone to go in a couple of times a week for a chat and to help clean up?

[dawn07]

Could your Mum be anaemic? I'd try to persuade her to see her GP for a chat and a blood test.

[timwilky]

My brother sorted similar problems with our mum. He managed to persuade her to sell up and move into a local new retirement village. That way does not feel she is in care etc. But a small one bedroom apartment is far easier for her than the 4 bed house she could not care for. There are plenty of people about for her etc.

My wife would comment whenever she visited how dirty the house was despite mum paying a cleaner to come in twice a week etc. Whilst she was in hospital a few years ago, the house got a full clean and we had to rip out the bathroom and install a new toilet, sink, shower etc fully tiled just to make sure it could be easily cleaned in future. She went mad. Wanted her bath despite not being able to get in/out. so never using it.

We only realised last year just how bad her eyesight had become, despite having had cataracts removed some years earlier.

[kitkat]

what about someone taking her out for her lunch on say a saturday and the other family members popping round to the house to tidy up. Tell her in advance that you will be picking her up at 12.

I know how she feels, I sometimes cant be bothered doing anything either and im only 42. No hope for me when I get to her age.