The Highway Code (Unwritten version)

[Woz]

Here's a little game that is being played at a driving instructor forum that I use. Obviously, it's generally related to learners there but I could easily be adapted for bikers. Here goes...


We all (should) know there are 307 rules in the latest Highway code.

What about those mysterious rules that drivers appear to think exist such as:

Rule 308: In queueing traffic, if you hear/see a motorcyclist filtering between lanes, immediately close the gap or change lanes. They are scum and have no rights whatsoever.

Rule 309: If you are following a motorcyclist and you are both emerging left, feel free to pull up alongside them at the give way markings and then set off as though they don't exist. They will know exactly what you intend to do and will fall over sideways just to get out of your way.



So, let's hear yours.

[Mej]

Rule 310: If you are driving along at about 40-50 on a freeflowing 60mph single carrage way and you are startled by the motorcyclist that has suddenly appeared in your rear view mirror, quickly swerve to the left to let them past, then realise you have swerved too far and are now on the grass and swerve back to avoid crashing, calmly knocking off the motorcyclist who is passing as he thought you were letting him past

(Almost happend to me a few times)

[Holdup]

Rule 311: Dont look in mirror, dont indicate, just pull straight into the biker next to you

[cymroboi]

rule 312:dont bother looking twice or even three times when pulling out of a junction just go

[BanditPat]

Rule 313: When you see a motorcyclist filtering and going to go through the gap you had left for the last 5 minutes floor it and pull out to the right. The motorcyclist is trained for this and will get crushed in between your bonnet and the boot of the car in front

[custard]

312. when pulling our from a side junction nearly ending a motorcclists life in the process.

look indignant
swear at the motorcyclist
apologise to the friend you were calling at the time, eplaining that some yob had the indecency to nearly get blood on your paintwork

[dizzyblonde]

313. Complete ignorance is to be used if motorcyclist blares on horn, whilst they stand stationary in the middle of the road...no matter how loud or how long.






.....especially if you are a vicar!

[Frank]

rule whatever...When filling with diesel ,make sure that you spill plenty of it onto the forcourt,so the following biker falls on his ass

[fenjer]

(renumber
Custard 314
Dizzy 315
Gid 316)

Fenjer: 317: SMIDSY is an acceptable excuse when any change of direction is hindered by a motorcyclist

[davepreston]

317
when behind a biker slowing for a red light 500m ahead sweve around behind beep horn and flash lights (ask speed play)

318
when in cage argueing with biker mouth like f*** untill 6"8 irish one gets off and comes to your window then phone police

319
if you see a l plate on a bike feel free to intimidate them especially when there in the middle of a 3 bike convoy with a flat tyre just trying to make it safely 500m down the road to the bike shop again untill 6"8 husband reminds you of common decency

[Mr Speirs]

318 - leave brain at home before getting into car, if you have forgotten to remove said brain don't worry just make a phone call. It's just as good.

[Richie]

321. When you see a motorcyclist in need of assistance. Stop and Assist.

[Richie]

322. Never Remove a helmet that your not wearing.
unless your are fully trained.

[Richie]

323. when Overtaking, perpare to have your door mirror taken off by passing Motorcyclist.
That you didn't look for or see

[davepreston]

richie you got the sencible head on tonight

[Richie]

324. Farmers please deposit large amounts of Mud on the roads...
325. Horse riders... Please don't Clean up after your Horse.

[Richie]

326. Harley Rider..... do what ever you like loudy and not get a ticket...

[Kilted Ginger]

327. Remember Diesel is not the scottish version of super unleaded ;)

[hovis]

328. insist on driving at 50mph in the middle/fast lane,

with not a care in the world

[hovis]

329, lorry drivers, when following another lorry doing 50mph, tryto overtake it by doing 51mph

[Jamiebridges123]

330 : White van drivers, at roundabouts, make eye contact with rider as he's going straight ahead and pull out on him regardless.

[Red Herring]

331: Don't worry about motorcyclists, evolution has trained them to anticipate your mistakes and avoid them.

[metalangel]

I wrote this ages ago. It's cager-centric, but it still applies. I've put in your Highway Code numbers.

332. Never, ever get into the correct lane at a junction. It is far better to suddenly veer over at the last possible second than to simply take the first exit on the incorrect route and try to find your way back.

333. The speed limits are never correctly signposted. In a '30' zone, you should be doing a bare minimum of 40mph.

334. Carrying on from 333, the national speed limit is in fact a mere helpful suggestion. On the motorways especially, you are encouraged to drive as fast and aggressively as possible.

335. If you are towing a caravan, or driving certain types of car (Ford Ka, Citroen C2, anything older than a 1989 'G' reg) you are required to drive at no greater than 35mph on the motorway at all times.

336. The size, age and condition of your car is inversely proportional to the number of occupants and/or cargo you're carrying. As examples, a decent Vauxhall Vectra should carry two-three passengers. A huge BMW M5 should contain one man in a blue shirt and yellow tie. A rusty Peugeot 205 should carry seven passengers, a pallet of bricks, and be towing a railway carriage to the scrapyard.

337. If someone has been waiting at a give way line for ages, don't stop and let them out. If there is a line of traffic, ensure you stop and block the other car's egress.

338. When overtaking a stopped bus, swerve as wildly and quickly into the oncoming lane as possible.

339. If you and an oncoming car are approaching a narrow section where only one car can fit, be sure to accelerate as quickly as possible to terrify the other driver into yielding.
If the other driver hasn't yielded, you must both force your way through the tiny gap simultaneously. Ignore the sparks and snapping mirrors.

340. Never gesture thanks if you're female.

341. 'Give way to oncoming traffic' signs actually mean, 'accelerate and try and get through first'.

342. Never, ever indicate on a roundabout. Take the most confusing path possible around so other drivers cannot anticipate which exit you're taking.

343. Always form the most solid line of cars possible around entrance slip roads to prevent other cars entering the motorway.

344. It is safe to overtake in the third lane and then cut across to the exit if you've passed the 200-yard marker.

345. Remember: speed cameras only care that you obey the speed limit in their effective area. You are free to accelerate away once you've passed the white lines.

346. If you need to stop at the side of the road, ensure you choose the most awkward position possible. These can include bus lanes, double yellow lines, school zones or whatever side of the road has the least parked cars.

347. If someone honks at you for dozing at a green light, they are an ******** and deserve a rude gesture!

348, The third lane (fast) lane of the motorway is reserved for the exclusive use of Audi, BMW and Mercedes-Benz drivers. If you own such a car and encounter another manufacturer's vehicle in the fast lane, it is your duty to run them off the road, or at least out of the fast lane.

Here are a few local traffic rules for use around the UK:

Cardiff, South Wales

-A busy road is the perfect place to do maneuvering.
-When parallel parking, ensure you park as close as possible to the car behind. This maximises the amount of space available on that street!

Bradford, West Yorkshire

-Give way lines are aptly named... when you arrive at one, stick the nose of your car out so far into the other road that cars will have to stop to avoid hitting you, thus 'giving way' so you can get out!
-It is acceptable behaviour to block the entire westbound lane when making a right turn into the eastbound lane of a road.

St Albans, Hertfordshire

-You are encouraged to overtake an entire line of stopped traffic by using the oncoming lane if your turn is only three streets ahead.
-Pedestrians are contemptible fools. Ignore them.

[Sudoxe]

Rule 666: You may legally be beaten to death, if you perform an emergency stop to let someone in to or out of of a side turning. If you do this in London, we may legally beat your passenger to death too.

[Holdup]

Rule 350: When going straight ahead at a roundabout be sure to take the left lane then on the roundabout straight line it and sqaush the biker into the roundabout upon hearing bikers horn just ignore them and carry on driving

[gruntygiggles]

324. Farmers please deposit large amounts of Mud on the roads...
325. Horse riders... Please don't Clean up after your Horse.

In a bit of a derail.....as a rider it would be far more dangerous to all road users for a rider to get off and pick poo off the road or go back later in a cage to do so, holding up traffic, potentially having a horse on the road being held by just the reins etc. So........you'll never get horse riders cleaning up after their horses and I for one believe that is the safest option.

[gruntygiggles]

Rule 351: When you see a bike filtering in your rear view, move in to the left, let them get close and then move back out to block their way. Do this repeatedly until said biker is fuming and has steam escaping from his/her helmet. Then when you drive away, change lanes just for the hell of it!

[Paul the 6th]

rule 352 (as demonstrated by a ford transit connect yesterday):

When travelling down a straight, wide road with a 30mph limit, you should doddle along at 10-15mph for atleast a quarter of a mile, then indicate left for 3-5 seconds, and finally swerve across the opposite side of the road into a side street so as to knock of any passing motorcyclists/other traffic.

[Holdup]

In a bit of a derail.....as a rider it would be far more dangerous to all road users for a rider to get off and pick poo off the road or go back later in a cage to do so, holding up traffic, potentially having a horse on the road being held by just the reins etc. So........you'll never get horse riders cleaning up after their horses and I for one believe that is the safest option.

thought hourses could have some sort of bag to collect their s**t.

Rule 353: Over take biker obeying speed limit in 40 zone mobile camera hotspot 500 metres before entering a dual carrigeway NSL then sit in the second lane at 60mph and hold them up the whole way down.

[gruntygiggles]

thought hourses could have some sort of bag to collect their s**t.

Rule 353: Over take biker obeying speed limit in 40 zone mobile camera hotspot 500 metres before entering a dual carrigeway NSL then sit in the second lane at 60mph and hold them up the whole way down.

They do that on cart horses in places like Central Park, but it's something that the equine societies are trying to have stopped. The underside of the top of a horses tail is incredibly sensitive and if you put something under there, as a refex action, they have to lift their tail either straight up or to the side. Now, the tail is an extension of the spine and to be made to hold that in an unatural position is not good for the horse. It would be like humans having to walk around bent to the side. It wouldn't take long for us to start having back problems and it's the same for horses.

I understand how frustrating it is for bikers, but it's the same as diesel spills and cow pats......it's part and parcel of using roads, there's going t be mess sometimes and as riders, it's our responsibility to keep our eyes open and if you can't see clearly that road ahead or around a corner is clear.....slow down to give yourself a good reaction/breaking time.

As for horse riders going out on main roads at rush hour traffic times.......they should be shot.......total pain in the ar$e!!!

[Stewart.C]

324. Farmers please deposit large amounts of Mud on the roads...
325. Horse riders... Please don't Clean up after your Horse.




Im a Biker & a horse rider.

[gruntygiggles]

rule 353:

When riding a horse, make sure you only use main roads at peak traffic times. Ride two astride despite the mile long tailback behind you and refuse to thank the riders/drivers that pass you at slow speed, low revs as they are to$$ers just for being on the same road as you when you are clearly far superior.

Rule 354:

When riding a horse on a country lane, in the instance that a car should come towards you, pull into a passing place 100 yards away to allow you to ride past safely, under NO circumstances should you trot or make any effort to speed up in order to pass the car and allow it to go on its way. You should instead, continue walking slowly forward, possibly taking in the view over the hedges and make only a half ar$ed, limp wristed attempt at thanking the driver as you finally pass.

[Paul the 6th]

Im a Biker & a horse rider.

and therefore :confused:

[Stewart.C]

i fully agree with gruntygiggles. theres not much we vcan do about it.

its just part & parcel of being a biker

[RichT]

Rule 355:

Whenever an occasion presents itself you should endeavour to obstruct any biker that is in your vicinity. Whilst doing so please ensure to abuse said biker. However, please ensure your windows are closed if participating in this practise as the [insert appropriate authority] cannot be held responsible for the reprocussions from such actions.

[Grant66]

Rule 356:

When approaching a speed camera it is essential that you brake at the last second, giving the impression you have only just noticed the day glow yellow box that has been visible for the last 3 miles. NOTE: It is not necessary to be above the speed limit to apply camera panic braking.

Rule 357:
Honda drivers must always pass a speed camera at between 10 and 20 MPH below the current speed limit.

Rule 358:
Older drivers are to ensure that they drive at 45MPH in NSL areas. This speed can be maintained through and villages where a 30MPH sign is shown, they must at all times give the impression that they have no idea what the speed limit is.

[Grant66]

Rule 359:

Caravan Owners are to ensure that they travel on A roads at peak times. Corners must be taken at walking pace and speed on the straight must make the caravan swerve wildly. Care must be taken to ensure the longest possible queue of traffic is collected behind the caravan. It is essential that you tell everybody that you had a clear run and was only passed by the occasional d**kh***d.

Rule 360:
Ensure that bikes loaded on the rear of the car obscure the number plate and as many of those coloured lights as possible.

[Paul the 6th]

have we already have rule 361?

rule 361:

mercedes, bmw and audi drivers must take extra care when tailgating so as to avoid becoming too far from the vehicle in front. Should this happen, accelerate hard and then brake - repeatedly - until the vehicle infront makes way for you to tailgate the next vehicle. Repeat as neccessary throughout your journey

[hovis]

i dont think horses should be allowed on the roads, thats what feilds are for.

they have no tax insurance or MOT

come on people get with the programme, its 2009 not the 1900's we have motorised transport now

[ophic]

i dont think horses should be allowed on the roads, thats what feilds are for.

they have no tax insurance or MOT

come on people get with the programme, its 2009 not the 1900's we have motorised transport now
ditto for pushbikes :p

[Viney]

Nope you are all wrong. The front page of the Highwaycode should read

"Any instructions in this booklet does not aplly to any of the follwing drivers:
BMW
Volvo
Bus
Taxi
Cyclists
Tractors
Vans
Lorries

Any realtion to any of these vehicles is purley conincidental and must not be read into in anyway"

[FlyinCustard]

Rule 300 and wot eva

If you come to situation where your lane is blocked on a 2 lane cariagway say... because of a parked car... you must not under ANY circumstances stop and give way to those who have priority coming towards you on the clear carriageway.

You MUST in ALL circumstances force your way onto the opposite side of the road forcing the motorbike to take evasive action, force them into the ditch or kerb for extra kudos.

They are used to this kind of thing. What do they expect there only little they don't need much room.

[Grant66]

Rule 362:

When turning right at the roundabout, you must ensure your in the righthand lane as early as possible. If this means sitting in the offside lane of a dual carriageway for ten miles ensure that your travelling considerably below the speed limit, no attention must be paid to either the frustrated drivers behind you or the empty lane to your left.

[seedy100]

[quote=gruntygiggles;1896080]

I understand how frustrating it is for bikers, but it's the same as diesel spills and cow pats......it's part and parcel of using roads, there's going t be mess sometimes and as riders, it's our responsibility to keep our eyes open and if you can't see clearly that road ahead or around a corner is clear.....slow down to give yourself a good reaction/breaking time.
quote]

3whatever.
When passing horses motorcyclists should ensure that they hit the rev limiter. This will cause the horse, and possibly the rider to **** themselves, thus giving other motorcyclists practice at keeping their eyes open for piles of horse ****.

3whatever+1
Repeat 3whatever whenever you are in the vacinity of bulls, we all like bullsh1t.

[gruntygiggles]

[quote=gruntygiggles;1896080]

I understand how frustrating it is for bikers, but it's the same as diesel spills and cow pats......it's part and parcel of using roads, there's going t be mess sometimes and as riders, it's our responsibility to keep our eyes open and if you can't see clearly that road ahead or around a corner is clear.....slow down to give yourself a good reaction/breaking time.
quote]

3whatever.
When passing horses motorcyclists should ensure that they hit the rev limiter. This will cause the horse, and possibly the rider to **** themselves, thus giving other motorcyclists practice at keeping their eyes open for piles of horse ****.

3whatever+1
Repeat 3whatever whenever you are in the vacinity of bulls, we all like bullsh1t.

I would laugh at that normally, but as I was out with my best mate at the time and a motorcyclist did just that, ending up with a hoof going straight into his visor, tearing his cheek off and nearly blinding him....maybe not a great idea. To boot.....he had a go at us for being on the road..........(a very quiet country lane at 2pm on a thursday afternoon) even though I got off to help him and Helen rode back to the yard to call an ambulance.

Oh.....and Helens dad made the rider pay the vets bills for the torn skin on her ponies leg!!!

I know exactly how annoying riders can be sometimes.....but don't ever try anything daft cause a horse can really hurt you!!!

[yorkie_chris]

And if you do do anything daft, then do it when you're in front of the horse...

[xXBADGERXx]

Rule 363 :

When stationary in traffic near a junction and a gap appears , do NOT let the motorcyclist out who has been waiting patiently (despite the fact that he will not be stupid enough to sit in that gap for the time it takes to check that nobody else is filtering and takes to filtering away from the hellhole you are currently in) . You will be alert and looking around but upon noticing the Biker you will suddenly stare ahead for the next thousand yards and he will become invisible . Somebody else will let him out , you have been in this queue for at least 4 minutes and you have "deserved" your place in the queueing heirarchy , NO biker should be allowed to just muscle in and add to the snaking misery of traffic for a mere nano-second before realising he can just filter and leave you to contemplate your sheer arrogance and traffic related misery . The aforementioned biker will not give you a second thought as he is at home with a cuppa a good 45 minutes ahead of you .

[Lissa]

Rule 364

When coming upon a slow-moving tractor, feel free to overtake approaching a blind bend, and make obscene gestures and honk your horn at the on-coming motorcyclist who then has to do an emergency stop to avoid being flattened.

Rule 365

When texting on your mobile, drift right and attempt to squish the motorcyclist alongside against the barrier. Be aware, though, that if said motorcyclist has a pillion passenger you may get your car door kicked and dented.

[Quedos]

[quote=Lissa;1897324]Rule 364

When coming upon a slow-moving tractor, feel free to overtake approaching a blind bend, and make obscene gestures and honk your horn at the on-coming motorcyclist who then has to do an emergency stop to avoid being flattened.
[quote]

rule 364a
If said motorcyclist is a newbie (who really shouldn't be out) make sure that you DO NOT stop to ensure that they are alright despite much swerving by said mototrcyclist and all those behind them trying to avoid all obstacles. Extra kudos is gained if this take place on country road with a sheer drop at the side.

[Quedos]

Rule 366
it is perfectly acceptable to be travelling at above the speed limit but slow down when a motorbike appears in your rear view mirror if at any point it decides to over/under take you speed up and repeat as many time as neccessary

Rule 367
It is mandatory that when being followed by a motorcyclist on a twisty a road that you should exceed the speed limits on straight sections and slow down to a crawl through the twisties. If at any point you think you will be overtaken you MUST drift towards the white line without regard to anything else that may be on the road

[Mej]

[quote=Quedos;1897441

Rule 367
It is mandatory that when being followed by a motorcyclist on a twisty a road that you should exceed the speed limits on straight sections and slow down to a crawl through the twisties. If at any point you think you will be overtaken you MUST drift towards the white line without regard to anything else that may be on the road[/quote]

the amount tmies thats happend to me!!!!!

[Mogs]

Rule 368

If a motorcycle is occupying any space in which you wish to park, you are permitted to relocate it to any position you are able, regardless of whether this will make the motorcycle appear to be parked illegally.

[squirrel_hunter]

Rule 369a:
It is acceptable for any 4 wheel vehicle to park wherever the driver wants regardless of how obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous the position of the vehicle is providing hazard lights are used.


Rule 369b:
Once the diver has finished parking in an obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous position using hazards to mitigate this the driver is not required to then turn the hazard lights off and indicate before pulling away.


Rule 369c:
After the diver has finished parking in an obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous position using hazards to mitigate this fact and has rejoined the carriageway while still using the hazard lights, the driver must turn the hazard lights off only after they have negotiated one mini roundabout and have passed at least two junctions.


Rule 369d:
If you are unsure if your parking is obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous use your hazard lights regardless. This is particularly effective if half of your vehicle is obscured by a tree or other legally parked cars as it will appear that you are about to pull out into traffic. This produces the need for hazard lights as you are now creating one and thus makes the use of them in the first place proper.

[FlyinCustard]

Rule 369a:
It is acceptable for any 4 wheel vehicle to park wherever the driver wants regardless of how obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous the position of the vehicle is providing hazard lights are used.


Rule 369b:
Once the diver has finished parking in an obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous position using hazards to mitigate this the driver is not required to then turn the hazard lights off and indicate before pulling away.


Rule 369c:
After the diver has finished parking in an obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous position using hazards to mitigate this fact and has rejoined the carriageway while still using the hazard lights, the driver must turn the hazard lights off only after they have negotiated one mini roundabout and have passed at least two junctions.


Rule 369d:
If you are unsure if your parking is obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous use your hazard lights regardless. This is particularly effective if half of your vehicle is obscured by a tree or other legally parked cars as it will appear that you are about to pull out into traffic. This produces the need for hazard lights as you are now creating one and thus makes the use of them in the first place proper.

and you must park with full right lock on, again so it looks like you are pulling into the road

[SoulKiss]

Rule 369a:
It is acceptable for any 4 wheel vehicle to park wherever the driver wants regardless of how obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous the position of the vehicle is providing hazard lights are used.


Rule 369b:
Once the diver has finished parking in an obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous position using hazards to mitigate this the driver is not required to then turn the hazard lights off and indicate before pulling away.


Rule 369c:
After the diver has finished parking in an obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous position using hazards to mitigate this fact and has rejoined the carriageway while still using the hazard lights, the driver must turn the hazard lights off only after they have negotiated one mini roundabout and have passed at least two junctions.


Rule 369d:
If you are unsure if your parking is obstructive, inconsiderate, illegal, or dangerous use your hazard lights regardless. This is particularly effective if half of your vehicle is obscured by a tree or other legally parked cars as it will appear that you are about to pull out into traffic. This produces the need for hazard lights as you are now creating one and thus makes the use of them in the first place proper.

Think you are confusing the Highway Code and the PADI Instructors manual there Squirrelly one.....

[trumpet]

Read a highway code book 55 yrs ago seems to have changed a bit

[squirrel_hunter]

Think you are confusing the Highway Code and the PADI Instructors manual there Squirrelly one.....

But my spell checker said it was write.

[seedy100]

370 On no account should any pre-use checks be carried out before using your vehicle. Should the driver forget this and carry out pre-use checks and discover a faulty headlight bulb DO NOT replace the faulty bulb. Any advantage gained by being able to see in the dark is completly negated by no longer looking like an oncoming motorbike at night.

[redbouy]

On european trips,
pull up to card only toll both with cash only.
All english rules apply to european's, they just don't know.
NEVER look on your left side. make sure that side has no mirror or is folded away
Fill the back of the car up until you can not see out.
Only the driver can operate, radio,tomtom,cell phone,doors, wallet.
Complain