How do you do it

[timwilky]

I have just spent the evening with a mate who's life ran parallel with mine for what I thought was the worst part of my life.


His brother in law developed cancer the same time as mine, they died within a week of each other, our wive's in the meantime got their own diagnosis. Both had surgery, were with each other in chemotherapy and radiotherapy and both told they were over it.

Very quickly it became clear the Steve's wife wasn't. Even though she had the was supposed to have the least aggressive cancer. Tonight I was told she has a week maybe two.

Steve has now gone home to somehow tell his kids. I only need to tell the wife.

He had expected todays meeting would have said 2 years, not 2 weeks at best. Poor girl is only 45. I am breaking up at the prospect of how the hell do I tell my wife who has only ever seen bad in a cancer diagnosis and trying to live with her own that yet another is terminal.

Yet I think for my friend Steve. how the hell do you go home and tell 3 kids 17, 16 and 12 that mum is going to die. when for the past year everyone has been telling them that mum will get better.

****e I am welling up, sorry for dumping my issues on the org. I need to talk to somebody, but I am on my jacks

[Spiderman]

****e I am welling up, sorry for dumping my issues on the org. I need to talk to somebody, but I am on my jacks

Mate we're family here, you know that.

As for the other stuff....fek me thats heavy. I cant even begin to put myself in Steves shoes, thats a situation i guess all of us never wish to have to be put in. And you situation is obviously difficult too.

All i can say is we are here for you mate.

[Jayneflakes]

My words seem feeble when I read of such grief and loss.

My thoughts are with you, your wife and your dear friends. Do not feel bad for sharing your feelings with us. I hope that in some small way we can offer a little comfort.

Take care,
Jayne

[Bluefish]

bloody hell mate, hope you all get through this ok.

[shonadoll]

That's just bloody tragic, whatever way you paint it. I'm sorry.

[Bri w]

I can't think of anything that would make the next few days/weeks any easier. No silly quips or spin. You've got to be strong for your wife, and your mate. But bring your pain to the .org, and we'll do the best we can even if it means crossing the big hill into Lancs for a beer/coffee.

Our best wishes to you and yours.

[kellyjo]

Oh mate, youve got me in tears. There is nothing that we can say to make it any easier, but you will be amazed what inner strength can be found in times such as these. My thoughts are with you and your family and your friend and his family, those poor children, i cant begin to imagine what the next few weeks will be like for them. Just know that we are all here for you, and send our best wishes to you all at this terrible time. Im so so sorry.

[keithd]

i facking hate cancer! has to be the most horrible thing in the world. ****ing evil nasty useless disease :(

tim, what can you do, what can you say? pretty much nothing to be honest, i dont know of anybody who hasnt been affected by this disease in some way shape or form. it's relentless and doesnt discriminate, it'll take anybody. the speed your friend has been hit is shocking, if there are any crumbs maybe the suffering wont be prolonged. i dunno, thats no comfort at all in a situation like this. i lost a friend suddenly a couple of years ago, and it still hurts like hell to talk about her, she left a 3 and a 5 year old behind, they're at an age where their memories of their mum will dull over the years and that get me. your friends kids will have great memories, im sure. i know this isnt about the future, its about now. i'm rambling, hell i may not even post this.

maybe what im trying to say is, i can't say anything that will help. speak to people, let out your anger on here - normally not a problem! - let out your sadness on here, with your friend, with your wife, be there for her husband and kids, it's all sounding clichéd but time will help.

sometimes life (in death) sucks. take care

keith

[Bluewolf]

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[Quedos]

There;s nothing to be said that makes it any easier - My dad didn't tell me all the facts about my mums cancer and tried to break it to gently that she was dying but i didn't see. It's the diagnosis everyone doesn't want to get but you will find the strength to be strong for everyone including showing your wife familys and friend that there is another result for cancer others wise as everyone say - come to us will help you at every turn possible
say whatever whenever the org will be there for you

[chasey]

I have been on the receiving end of that news when I was 11 and my Sister was 13. It will be 9 years this August when my Mum died.

My Dad was amazing through it all, though, I think because he was trying to be so strong and do so much for my Mum, me and my Sister it has caused depression in more recent years.

Get your mate to talk to someone that is not a family friend. I don't know about your mates situ but my Mum was at a hospice where they had councilors that helped me and my Sis.

I'm pretty crap with words and what have you but if you ever need to rant etc and don't want to do it on a public forum, just drop me a PM dude

[Speedy Claire]

My heart goes out to you and your friend Tim... what a truly awful situation. I`m guessing that this is the couple you took out for a meal recently? I can`t offer much in the way of help but below are a few points I always adopt when breaking bad news to people


Never avoid an issue for so long that the kids might hear bad news from somebody else first.

Anticipate that there may be awkward questions and be ready to answer them if you can. Perhaps think these answers through with someone else first.
Choose a quiet place where they’ll feel safe and you won’t be interrupted.

Turn off all mobile phones and take the phone off the hook!

Be honest with them. Stick to making statements you believe yourself.

Keep explanations simple. If you don't know or cannot explain something, admit that you don't know.

Use words they understand. Be honest and avoid saying things in such a way that the young person might be left confused about what you’re really saying.

Don't talk for too long. Tell the children what they need to know, give them a chance to ask a few questions.

Reassure them they can talk to you or ask you questions about it when ever they need to. Make sure you honour this with attention and answers when they do.

Anticipate that they might want to then ask unrelated questions or begin a distraction activity. Do not assume they haven’t heard you or are not reacting.
Repeat key information at different times.
Along with the bad news, reassure. Repeat reassurances regularly ie. mum will not suffer, mum will not be in pain
Be prepared to offer hugs and attention if your children seem at all upset. Touch can really help. Make eye contact often. This can be very reassuring.


Don`t push it, having told the children what you need to tell them wait for them to come back to you when they are ready to hear more or just look out for those moments when it seems right to chat about it together again.

Remain as calm and loving as possible. If a particular issue upsets you too, that’s okay. It’s good for kids to learn that all of us have different sorts of reactions when tough things happen. If it becomes overwhelming for you, just take some time out to regain some emotional balance, and talk some more later.
Please pass on my best wishes to your friend.

Re. your own dilemna.... I don`t think there`s any easy way to break this news. Personally i`d wait for a quiet time and then break this awful news. I`d reassure your wife that though cancer is a terrible disease not everyone dies from it. There are literally thousands of people who are diagnosed with cancer but do not die. I have 4 friends who were all diagnosed with cancer in different places ie. breast, bowel, and throat and neck. These friends were all given the all clear years ago and are still very healthy and free from it.

I don`t know the origin of your wifes cancer but cancer is split into two types palliative and non palliative... the palliative means there is no real hope and the non palliative means there is a lot of hope and that they will recover. Reassure your wife that her cancer is non palliative.

That you always die from cancer is a complete myth.

Best wishes Tim and if I can ever be of any help please just pm me.

[timwilky]

Blinking heck Speedy you have a good memory. It wasn't recently, about a year ago I should guess. I was distressed last night as Steve had broken down whilst telling me. His own daft fault for going straight to the boozer after the hospice. but that is his way of handling his own stress. He was gutted as he had told his son that morning that mum will be alright, they will get her pain sorted and she will be home soon.


As for my wife. She is well, back working at the local hospital, getting on with life and living it. I know however, it is at the back of her mind as she often tells me about what has happened in her day and invariably there will be at least one comment about another new cancer patient.


Last night was hard, she has very few friends that have survived more than a couple of years, Steve's wife had bowel cancer at the same time as Lynne lost a breast. She was very supportive of Lynne, telling her that she was lucky that her own problems had been identified and treated quickly and had an excellent prognosis. Suddenly events like last night focus attention back onto living with cancer and not living a normal life.

Still I feel for my friend and his family, of course we all know that we will one day die and hope that it will be a peaceful pain free time. I cannot start to understand what he must be going through. I can offer him all the friendship and support but I cannot give him the one thing he wants which is a simple explanation of why her, why now.

[Jayneflakes]

I can offer him all the friendship and support but I cannot give him the one thing he wants which is a simple explanation of why her, why now.

When my ex partner lost both of her parents to cancer with in two years of each other, I was lost for words and despite my best efforts I could not offer what she wanted or needed. Your words there are so accurate and yet so painful.

I am very glad that your wife's health is returning. A good friend of mine has been clear for two years now and is starting to talk about being cured. Amazingly she has not stopped with her life and she is so positive and brave. I sometimes wonder if this is for our benefit, but then she smiles and tells us another wonderful story from her travels in her twenties (during the 1960's) and we can see that she has been so strong for years.

I know that a forum can be an odd place to talk to people, but in a way, maybe getting it out in words on here can help you heal yourself. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[Viney]

Verna has lost 4 members of her family to cancer. Mum dad aunt n uncle! Its never easy. You may want her slant on things, shes not all giggles and loonyness!

[anna]

Oh hun that is just the worst! No words really are able to comfort at this time, but the knowledge that there is the .org for you whenever you need it.

:grouphug:

[Bluewolf]

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[keithd]

Perhaps a few more success stories instead of "everyone I know is dead" please people..? :confused:

perhaps, but sadly its not going to happen in this case. i'm sure no posts such as the type you suggest would make TW think there may be hope for his friend, but i think this thread is more aimed at help in how to deal with what is going to be sadly inevitable

[Bluewolf]

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[Owenski]

I think your mate is going to really need some help and support over the next few months. If you think he's stable enough get him into biking and show him some 3 figure therapy!

[Quedos]

my mums best friend who was diagnosed at the end has been given the all clear this year without losing a breast but going through radio and chemo
My friends dad is in remission for bowel cancer at the moment.
our neighbour has fought and WON breast cancer 3 times and is clear and has been for 2 years
my school buddy has been cleared of cancer for 2 years
a colleague has survived and been cleared for 10 years

Its frightening when all you hear is sad stories but good are there you just don't hear about them because nobody want to talk about it. it can be beaten a postivie attitued and supportive network works wonders - the survival rates are increasing daily ( i still check the doagnosis for my the type my mum had monthly and its heartening to to see the drugs she trialed making it mainstream and helping others)

its a case of support love friendship and an escape valve being there for the worst and gentle persuasion that the light isn't always an oncoming train!

[gruntygiggles]

Moved my post to a PM as thought it better that way.

Tim, look after yourself by venting your frustration/anger/fear/grief on here to all of us. That way you'll be able to have he strength to look after your wife, your friend and his children when they need it most.

xxx

[Kate Moss]

I can not think of anything to say that will even begin to make a difference. I feel for you and all that are involved.
Just recently I have started to wonder whether there is a god at all, and reading this makes me question it further.

Take comfort in that we (the org) are here for you if you feel unable to show your true emotions around your wife.

Thinking of you.

[kitkat]

it brings all the other insignificant daily problems into perspective when you hear stuff like this. gutted for your mate and his family. Kids are old enough that he can be honest with them and hopefully get some support from them. As for Mrs TW you can only tell her the truth, she comes over as a strong woman and while this may shake her she has to be told. hugs to everyone

[Specialone]

i facking hate cancer! has to be the most horrible thing in the world. ****ing evil nasty useless disease :(
keith

+1
and it only seems to be good people that get it.
My thoughts are with you tim.
Phil

[Well Oiled]

Really sorry to hear your terrible news. Can't imagine how he feels and no doubt will go through hell over the coming weeks, but the kids will be the ones who help him come to terms with his loss and pull through.

Keith

[Ch00]

Sorry to hi jack the thread but my partners sister has been fighting cancer for a few months now, things were looking up but now shes been told it has spread and shes got 6 months to live if the chemo works.

Shes about 28 years old with a husband and two youngish kids. Cancer doesnt care who it gets.

I hope there wont be too much pain for her on the way.

Best of luck to your friend Tim and his partner.

Ch00

[timwilky]

Just to update this thread. Steve's wife unfortunately died this afternoon. She did not even get the two weeks.

[Speedy Claire]

Oh Tim I`m so sorry. My deepest sympathy to Steve and his children. Also my thoughts are with your wife who will obviously be finding it difficult to deal with this shock.

R.I.P. x

[Milky Bar Kid]

Sorry to hear that Tim. His suffering has ended. My thoughts and wishes go to you and his family. xx

[rick0361]

There is no easy way - each one of us has to do it in our own way with the support of our friends and family.

When I was told my dad had 3 months to live at most when he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of lung cancer I was devastated and to this day I think about him (and my mum) every day.

The trick we had with it afterwards was to talk about the person who had gone and remember all the good times (damned hard sometimes) and keep their memory alive in our hearts.

My little boy had just gone one when his 'Grandpa Jim' died but he still like to here stories of what he did in the war and what we all did together when we were kids with him and he still asks 'What would Grandpa Jim have done or thought?' - so to me my dad lives on in my memories and my son's memories.

Just be there for your friend as mine were for me and there will be light in the darkness.

Just wish the damned governments of the world would spend as much money on finding a cure for this as they manage to do on finding ways to kill people in stupid wars.