Heartbroken

[Neeja]

I got home today to find my girlfriend sat with a big white bag of my stuff. She broke up with me, telling me she'd been feeling off for a while and it's because she doesn't love me any more.

I'm in pieces. She's the only person I've ever been able to see a future with, and I'm so in love with her. I couldn't even be angry with her.

How do you get through this? I feel like I'm dying. Breakups have never done this to me before.

[Spiderman]

Ouch, mate thats hard.

How long you guys been together?

It does get easier... and guess what, its ou old friend called Time that works the magic.

But first off, you gotta try find out why and see if you cant win her back mate.

[DarrenSV650S]

Ouch, that's harsh. Sorry to hear that mate, but like spidey says it could turn around. I've no idea how you get over it, so can't really help you

[Miss Alpinestarhero]

:( sorry to hear that dude :grouphug:

Did she say why she wanted the relationship to end? I know you said she doesnt love you anymore but was there anything else? How long have you been together?

Unfortunately there is no quick fix..but if you guys are truly meant to be together then you will be. Perhaps some time and space apart will make her realise what she is missing.

Although it is painful, time is a great healer.

Maria

[skeetly]

:(
Argh.
Hang in there buddy.

[Kate Moss]

Communication is the key. If you are going to try and win her back, don't bombard with Why? Try and find out what she is feeling "off" about and if it's anything you can amend.

Heartache is never easy. Avoid getting drunk and phoning her in desperation, although that's how you may feel.

Can you think of anything that has changed for you guys?

All the best x

[fizzwheel]

Being dumped sucks big hairy donkey b*lls...

Give her space, dont bombard her with phone calls and texts etc etc, just let her have some time to herself then get back in contact with her, ask to talk and see how she is feeling then.

It might be rescuable, depending on how you both feel after talking.

Sometimes its just better to let it go and go your seperate ways though and save yourself further pain and heartbreak. But if you do decide to go, then make a clean break of it.

As to how to get over it, well it takes time. Theres no special trick or thing you can do. Go out with your mates, go to the pub, get drunk, Dont sit indoors feeling sorry for yourself. Just do something, do anything at all.

I found reading books helped me. Playing my guitar also helped. Going out on the bike works to, as long as you are in the right state of mind and at the mo you might not be. Write her a letter, be honest and tell her how you feel. The put the letter away and dont send it to her, It'll help you get your thoughts straight, or it did for me anyway.

Its not easy, we've all been there, hang on and you'll come out of it a stronger person. One particular split broke my heart completely, but it made me realise eventually that being dumped isnt the end of the world and if I could deal with that I could deal with anything.

Sometimes these things have a habbit of working out for the best even if we dont realise that till much later on.

[Spikenipple]

Sorry to hear that Neeja! Bad times indeed. A short term solution for this evening is ring up a couple of mates, go down the pub and get a few (read: lots of) stiff drinks and have a good old chat to them about it. How long were you together for?

[Speedy Claire]

Neeja i`m so very sorry for you.... it hurts so much and there`s no way to help you through this.

My advice is to do absolutely nothing. As hard as it is and as tempting as it is DON`T ring her, DON`T text her, DON`T email her and DON`T try and arrange to see her. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder but you have to give her time to miss you.

If you`re constantly contacting her you`ll potentially drive her away and it won`t give her time to miss you. Far better is to have her wondering why you haven`t contacted her and to wonder what you`re doing and if you`re missing her etc.

Time apart will give you both time to consider your future and to decide in your case if you still want this relationship and in her case to decide if she`s made a mistake. Don`t be tempted to think "but I need to let her know how much I want her and that I still love her"..... if she misses you and if she cares she will contact you and you can then tell her that the reason you`ve stayed away is because you respect her decision to split up and that you`ve hoped that staying away will give her time to consider if she`s done the right thing or not.

Very best of luck and if this is meant to be it really will be... x

[Spiderman]

My advice is to do absolutely nothing. As hard as it is and as tempting as it is DON`T ring her, DON`T text her, DON`T email her and DON`T try and arrange to see her. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder but you have to give her time to miss you.


Not that i'm disagreeing with you Claire but this just goes to prove what a fickle mind you women have. I tried this with an ex and you know what...she said the fact that i didnt try and win her back right away showed just how little i cared for her and how i should have been going out my way to try and sort thing out not just "ignoring" her.

the fact that i could do nothing but think about her and what do to make things right again was, to her, just what someone who didnt care would say!
You girls eh? lol.

C'mon Neeja old fella, were here for ya but you need to tell us more to give you more advice. Problem shared and all that you know mate.

[sv-robo]

Unfortunately sometimes us guys are damned if we do & damned if we don't.....hope it all works out for you bud.

[Scoobs]

Not that i'm disagreeing with you Claire but this just goes to prove what a fickle mind you women have. I tried this with an ex and you know what...she said the fact that i didnt try and win her back right away showed just how little i cared for her and how i should have been going out my way to try and sort thing out not just "ignoring" her.

the fact that i could do nothing but think about her and what do to make things right again was, to her, just what someone who didnt care would say!
You girls eh? lol.


'zactly. There is no right and no wrong in these situations (IMO), just like no one can tell you what to do. Sure, listen to comments and advice, but at the end of the day you have to do what's good for you and what you feel in your heart.

If you feel you should try and you don't, you will always think "what if" If you try and it doesn't work, no-one can accuse you of not trying.

[Speedy Claire]

Not that i'm disagreeing with you Claire but this just goes to prove what a fickle mind you women have. I tried this with an ex and you know what...she said the fact that i didnt try and win her back right away showed just how little i cared for her and how i should have been going out my way to try and sort thing out not just "ignoring" her.

the fact that i could do nothing but think about her and what do to make things right again was, to her, just what someone who didnt care would say!

I`m assuming that Neeja`s girlfriend isn`t playing games and is perhaps genuinely confused. No offence Spidey but if this woman who ended your relationship was waiting for you to "try and win her back and that you should`ve been going out of your way to try and sort things out" then it sounds to me like she was playing games with you. Not nice and if someone can be so childish and treat you like that then are they really worth having :smt017

[kitkat]

I agree with speedy, get out there with pals, enjoy your bike etc. Dont bombard her with texts etc, dont take your phone out with you when you will be drinking. Sometimes you just stop loving people. Hopefully you will be able to be friends once you are over your hurt. Its brave of her to tell you to your face and at least she packed your stuff up for you. Good luck with it all.

[husky03]

Guys view- you can sit and wait on her mate and let her influence how you live your life for the next while or you can say -"yep ok you take time and do what you need to but i'm gonna get on with my life".
Lifes to short mate to hang around waiting-we never know whats ahead.
good luck

[speedplay]

Sorry to hear this:(




But:-

Women are weird and you'll never understand them.

Whatever you do or say will probably be wrong.

If its not wrong now, it will be later.



Take things easy, sit back and take stock of things.

If things work out and you both get back together then thats great but dont forget that theres other people out there that you havn't met yet and they may be the "right" one for you later on.


Hang in there.

[davepreston]

sh1te one bruv, hope you end up happy whichever way it works out

[Ed]

I don't mean to be insensitive when I say - you're a really nice bloke, and if sjhe can't see that, it's her loss.

[kwak zzr]

Sorry to hear this:(




But:-

Women are weird and you'll never understand them.

Whatever you do or say will probably be wrong.

If its not wrong now, it will be later.



Take things easy, sit back and take stock of things.

If things work out and you both get back together then thats great but dont forget that theres other people otu there that you havn't met yet and they may be the "right" one for you later on.


Hang in there.


What he said ^

[Neeja]

Thanks for the responses, guys. You all made me start crying again - it's nice to know people care.

For more information, there was basically no warning. She's been feeling a bit down recently with some uni stuff (or so she said), as she's not sure she wants to be doing her course any more, but she's in her third year and finishes in about 6 months.

It was her 21st on saturday and on Sunday she didn't text or call once I went home (had some stuff to do which she knew about and was fine with). I tried calling her in the evening, but got no response.

This morning I text her letting her know I missed her, as she was supposed to come over last night, and she said she'd fallen asleep about 8 so didn't come, and that she'd come around tonight.

When I got here and started talking to her she said that she was leaving me because she felt we weren't working; that we were better as friends than as boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm confused by this, because two weeks ago we were talking about kids and houses and she was excited. She was very upset about breaking up with me. I asked if there was anything we could do to work through it, and she said no. I asked if there was anything that I had done, and she said no. She said that she's just stopped feeling for me like she used to. A few weeks ago she told me that she felt nothing any more (relating to other things, and reassured me that she still loved me), as she was down.

That's basically it. I sent her a text after she left telling her that if she changes her mind that I'll talk to her, and that I love her, and if this is what she really wants because I'm not making her happy then I'm glad she's made the choice. She sent a text back saying that if she changes her mind in a few days that she'd tell me straight away, but that I shouldn't "count on it as a certainty" (which to me indicates there's a chance, even though she said there wouldn't be one).

Don't know what to do right now. Am currently putting the new engine in the SV to take my mind off things, but every time I see things that remind me of her I break down. I went into the bathroom a moment ago and noticed her shampoo and conditioner were missing, and that set me off again.

[Amanda]

I do think it takes alot of courage to say to someone you don't want to be with them anymore. Trouble is us women never wanna be seen as the bad guy. So in Spidey's case I think she was playing games with you in order to make herself not feel guilty.

Neeja, as heartbreaking as it is I think you have to respect her decision and give her the space she has asked for. However, if you haven't done so already I do think you should let her know how you feel and that you will be there for her if she ever needs you.

Then, move on, enjoy having your own space and freedom. Get out and socialise with the friends you haven't seen because you were in a relationship and just have a bit of fun. Things probably seen all consuming right now but in time you will get over this.

[fizzwheel]

but that I shouldn't "count on it as a certainty" (which to me indicates there's a chance, even though she said there wouldn't be one).

I dont want to p*ss on your parade, but I'll be honest and say that she might just be trying to let you down gently...

I'd give her some space and try if you can to get on with your life, dont put things on hold and dont wait for her.

I missed an opportunity with somebody years ago because I was waiting and hoping my ex would pick up the phone and talk to me to sort things out. Of course it never happened and I missed my chance...

I know none of this helps now and it isnt gonig to going to feel much better, but sometimes there is simply nothing you can do and thats that...

[missyburd]

Hi Neeja, really sorry to hear this #hugs#

You've mentioned she has 6 months left of her third year at uni and that other things have been getting her down over the last few weeks, do you think perhaps she is becoming depressed to a point she could do with a bit of help? Has she ever said anything about you distracting/putting her off her uni work? Not that I'm saying you would, I have no idea obviously but sometimes when you're stressed you look to the most obvious causes/potential reasons and block them out, whether or not you're comfortable with doing so. She may feel "cutting you out" is the best/easiest thing for her to do at the minute and tbh if it is down to her degree then perhaps it's best to let things simmer for a while to give her time to get round the whole scenario and concentrate on what is really a priority atm. Not that I'm saying relationships shouldn't be priorities but at the end of the day you need to think about what's best for her, at least until she's finished up at uni.

If, as you say, things seemed ok between you and this has come completely out of the blue then there has to be something more to it than her simply "falling out of love" with you, you don't just wake up one morning and suddenly not love someone any more. But then you also have to respect what she has said and give her the space she needs to sort her head out, it really won't have been an easy thing for her to have said I'm sure and she'll be in just as much emotional turmoil as you. Understandably all you'll want to do is hug her and reassure her things will be ok but sometimes you have to distance yourself and let her come to terms with what she's said.

[madness]

Neeja,

None of us know exactly how you're feeling, how could we, we're not you. But many people on here have been through similar circumstances. If you're anything like me, you'll be sat at home, sobbing your heart out and wondering how you can go on living. But you can go on living and you can find happiness again. Who knows, your girlfriend might realise that she has made a mistake. Some good advice has already been given, but we don't know your girlfriend, so you need to decide which course of action to take. Think carefully about anything you do and I'd advise against contacting her when you're drunk. Try to keep some personal dignity. As people have said, if you're meant to be together, then she will come back. Talk to her at some point and try to find out why she's so down. It might be that some other factor might be getting her down, but she's putting blame on the relationship.
Try not to mope around. Carry on doing the things that you enjoy and don't let it ruin your life.

[Kate Moss]

In my opinion and in my little experience, it sounds like she is a lickle depressed/run down.
Not knowing how she feels about her uni work, and not feeling anything is a sign that she wants to give up, even for while.
Turning 21 can be an emotional time, you are kind of now an adult and feel that society should expect you to know what you want.

I have experienced a time of not feeling anything, and it's not nice. It is hard to know what to do for the best. Being alone is an option.


On the other hand, as someone mentioned, she may just be letting you down gently, she may want to move on.

[missyburd]

Think carefully about anything you do and I'd advise against contacting her when you're drunk. Try to keep some personal dignity. .

On a similar note, perhaps its best when you go out to "drown your sorrows" you don't even take your phone with you. You will probably find yourself constantly checking it anyway just to see if she's contacted you and getting more and more depressed if every time you see she hasn't. On second thoughts though, drinking really shouldn't be in the equation, you will only make yourself feel worse and possibly doing something to further jeopardise the relationship.

[Dicky Ticker]

Be a roughty toughty biker and get on with it.
Since when has this become a broken hearts forum?
Sorry dude but you and others are behaving like you are in the school playground with the Best Friends and True Romance failures
If you have friends on the site use the PM facility instead of pouring your woes out in open forum--------slightly more dignified
I come on here to have debate,joke or general banter not hear about your love life,perhaps the Admin should start a problem page.

Yes,many of you may think me a bar steward but it seems like every third or fourth post now in IB is about personal hang ups or problems and nothing to do with biking

[Specialone]

Without sounding harsh, if there is any doubt about the future of you two, then cut your losses.
It might be hard now, but it will only be worse next time it happens, i'm speaking from experience.
You're on this earth for a very short time, dont waste your time if you know deep down its not for you.
If you are young then most relationships from a yound age end becasue you grow up and apart.
I wasted 6 years on a relationship i knew deep down after 6 months was crap.
Anyway, 6 months later i met my wife who is fantastic and it will be our 11th wedding anniversary in feb.
Best of luck bud, whatever you decide

[beabert]

Be a roughty toughty biker and get on with it.
Since when has this become a broken hearts forum?
Sorry dude but you and others are behaving like you are in the school playground with the Best Friends and True Romance failures
If you have friends on the site use the PM facility instead of pouring your woes out in open forum--------slightly more dignified
I come on here to have debate,joke or general banter not hear about your love life,perhaps the Admin should start a problem page.

Yes,many of you may think me a bar steward but it seems like every third or fourth post now in IB is about personal hang ups or problems and nothing to do with biking


http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b177/dansarchive/969626.gif

You bar steward lol.

[Spiderman]

If you have friends on the site use the PM facility instead of pouring your woes out in open forum--------slightly more dignified

Dude thats harsh.

Sometimes the most honest advice can only come from strangers who are not afraid of saying the "wrong thing" and jeopardising a standing friendship.

Sometimes the most honest advice can only come from strangers as they dont know your personal ins and outs and see it with a far more critical eye....as i'm about to do.


Neeja, dont wanna step on your heart mate but have you considered the chance she is either seeing someone else or has feelings for somone else?
No one else seems to have brought this up yet, so hate me for saying it if you will but you need to be honest with yourself mate.

Birthdays can play havoc with your brain for no reason too, especially "milestone" ones like 21, 30 40 etc.

[Amanda]

Be a roughty toughty biker and get on with it.
Since when has this become a broken hearts forum?
Sorry dude but you and others are behaving like you are in the school playground with the Best Friends and True Romance failures
If you have friends on the site use the PM facility instead of pouring your woes out in open forum--------slightly more dignified
I come on here to have debate,joke or general banter not hear about your love life,perhaps the Admin should start a problem page.

Yes,many of you may think me a bar steward but it seems like every third or fourth post now in IB is about personal hang ups or problems and nothing to do with biking


:smt081 But you still came in here and still took the time to comment. God Bless Ya!!!!

[Wideboy]

Neeja, dont wanna step on your heart mate but have you considered the chance she is either seeing someone else or has feelings for somone else?
No one else seems to have brought this up yet, so hate me for saying it if you will but you need to be honest with yourself mate.

+1 what i was thinking :(

sorry to hear your news mate, its never good :(...... as said time is great healer

[beabert]

Birthdays can play havoc with your brain for no reason too, especially "milestone" ones like 21, 30 40 etc.

Ere, mine was just after her birthday too :o blimey you might be on to somethimg there.

[Dicky Ticker]

Yes Spidey an outsider can sometimes be more constructive with advice but I wouldn,t stop one in the street and start pouring my heart out to them.
I don't know the geezer and I presume he has a circle of friends be it in private life or on this form, but on here is like a soapbox on the street corner[Nearly 3000 members according to the members list]

[Speedy Claire]

Ere, mine was just after her birthday too :o blimey you might be on to somethimg there.


I think it`s purely because milestones and events force us to think about our future and what we really want.

For me a life changing moment was the death of my lovely nan another was my 40th birthday when I realised I was in a crap relationship and walked away.

New Year is a time when we look back over the previous year and see what changes we might want to implement for the coming year.

Neeja your girlfriends 21st might have made her sit back and take stock of her life. As others have said tho she does sound a tad unsure of life at the minute so if she`s unsure about which direction to take at uni maybe she`s just "unsure" of you and your relationship at the min... things might change but don`t put your life on hold

[beabert]

What you will now begin to notice is how many songs and other forms of media are about love. I suggest you scrap music for the next few months.

[Spiderman]

Yes Spidey an outsider can sometimes be more constructive with advice but I wouldn,t stop one in the street and start pouring my heart out to them.
I don't know the geezer and I presume he has a circle of friends be it in private life or on this form, but on here is like a soapbox on the street corner

i do also hear where you are coming from DT but the Org can sometimes be an extended family to some of us, for whatever reason.

i know my friends on here have helpd me thru some hard times in the past for sure...and even now truth be told. So i'm kinda inclined to lend a friendly ear right now.

On the flip side you now know what this thred is all about so can safely add it to the list of the ones you dont read ;)
I know my personal list grows daily, lol.

[BanditPat]

Be a roughty toughty biker and get on with it.
Since when has this become a broken hearts forum?
Sorry dude but you and others are behaving like you are in the school playground with the Best Friends and True Romance failures
If you have friends on the site use the PM facility instead of pouring your woes out in open forum--------slightly more dignified
I come on here to have debate,joke or general banter not hear about your love life,perhaps the Admin should start a problem page.

Yes,many of you may think me a bar steward but it seems like every third or fourth post now in IB is about personal hang ups or problems and nothing to do with biking


Yet no one forced YOU to read this but you still took the time and effort open the page up AND reply. You don't like something don't read it, you read it and didn't like it then you didn't need to reply did you? He's going through a rough time and comments like that don't help now do they? You might love going to tell your friends and loved ones whats wrong with you. Some other people would rather tell complete strangers. Nothing nice to say? Then maybe you shouldn't say anything at all.

[Bri w]

Sounds like she's troubled, and stressed.

Give her some space and time. She could calm down.

[Nobbylad]

Agree with most of the advice so far...however, look at the positives....does she have a sister? ;)

Only kidding fella, sounds like you're going through the mill at the mo, however need to keep your chin up and let her do her thing while you crack on.

[Dicky Ticker]

Same -same no one forced him to post it on the forum. I would be "Broken Hearted" if somebody stole my bike or it blew up. The "Header" of a post doesn't always give you an incite into its content.
Having posted on the forum surely he expected replies and you or he don't have to read mine unless you want but you did and replied,exactly as I did
OK I am blunt but I still consider it undignified that a man reveals his private life to total strangers.

[SimJ]

Sounds to me like she's seeing someone else. All this 'fallen out of love' rubbish and 'maybe in a few days' pants. I appreciate you're in love, but sack it and move on. Personally I would never go back to a woman with whom I'd had that conversation, but that's me. If she comes knocking on your door I guess you have a tougher decision to make but I wouldn't be knocking on hers. Get your mates together and go have a few beers, you'll feel alot better.

[Spiderman]

Same -same no one forced him to post it on the forum. I would be "Broken Hearted" if somebody stole my bike or it blew up. The "Header" of a post doesn't always give you an incite into its content.
Having posted on the forum surely he expected replies and you or he don't have to read mine unless you want but you did and replied,exactly as I did
OK I am blunt but I still consider it undignified that a man reveals his private life to total strangers.

fair dos.
This is the beauty of our forum tbh, the fact we can all disagree on certain things yet not fall out over it. I respect you for saying it as you see it and not sitting on the fence about it tbh.

[GeneticBubble]

Have you never seen that tv advert where that guys offering tissues a sofa and a talk? thats how i think of this forum even if you don't know everyone personally you can still expect some comfort when times is hard :smt057

[BanditPat]

Same -same no one forced him to post it on the forum. I would be "Broken Hearted" if somebody stole my bike or it blew up. The "Header" of a post doesn't always give you an incite into its content.
Having posted on the forum surely he expected replies and you or he don't have to read mine unless you want but you did and replied,exactly as I did
OK I am blunt but I still consider it undignified that a man reveals his private life to total strangers.



Hover your mouse above the title link on the idle banter page, gets you the general gist of what the post is about with out having to click. I find it undignified that a man would shoot another down for revealing his private life to strangers, easier to do than to family and your more likely to get an unbiased response from a stranger. And not every one has the close friends or family to confide in, you obviously don't have that problem.
fair dos.
This is the beauty of our forum tbh, the fact we can all disagree on certain things yet not fall out over it. I respect you for saying it as you see it and not sitting on the fence about it tbh.

Me and DT would have had to be 'friends' to fall out over it.

[Neeja]

DT, I appreciate that you don't want to read this, but I'd prefer it if you don't derail the thread.

For everyone else: Thanks for the advise so far. I don't drink, so there's no danger of calling her when drunk, and I'm leaving her alone to get on with things.

I've not been sat moping; I've just got a new engine into my SV and made sure it all fires up. I've got upset a few times, but have got on with things so far.

For the people saying that she may be seeing someone else: it's something I've considered, and I asked her outright about it. I told her that if anything I'd be less upset with that, as it wouldn't be something I'd done, it wouldn't be something she'd come back from so I wouldn't be left hanging, and she still said no, and I believe her.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, guys, it's appreciated.

[Dicky Ticker]

Having hovered my mouse and found his girlfriend sitting with a white bag of his stuff

Sorry but our views differ and I bow to your greater knowledge of life with all your experience

-----who qualifies you to give advice? are you a member of RELATE?

[Bedhead]

Best thing to do is walk away with yer head held high, I split with an ex last xmas, and to be perfectly honest it still niggles a bit, even though I've a new girlfriend now. I found that I literally walked away the hurt, lost 2 stone and felt a million times better. The world is full of women and not all of them are head melters. It'll sting a bit now, but it's like getting a bad tooth out, it'll be better in the long run.:)

[ixlr8]

Neeja, relationships can only be healed if both parties want to be in it. you can't make her love you, it's counterproductive to attempt to win her back, as she'll blame you for coercion if she comes back then leaves again and regardless, you do have to go through the grieving process if there was something in it that you valued. Even if she is depressed, she needs to be in charge of that herself; don't be tempted to fix it for her, besides, she doesn't want you there with her, anyway. Be a roughty toughty biker and get on with it.
Since when has this become a broken hearts forum?
Sorry dude but you and others are behaving like you are in the school playground with the Best Friends and True Romance failures
If you have friends on the site use the PM facility instead of pouring your woes out in open forum--------slightly more dignified
I come on here to have debate,joke or general banter not hear about your love life,perhaps the Admin should start a problem page.

Yes,many of you may think me a bar steward but it seems like every third or fourth post now in IB is about personal hang ups or problems and nothing to do with biking

Sorry, DT but firstly, that's what IB is for, on-ya-bike is for bike talk. Secondly, I think it insulting to accuse Neeja's issue as being school playground material. Good luck to you if you've never had to deal with being dumped. And, thirdly, people who are younger than you and me do use forums to discuss their lives. That's what young people do. If I'm not mistaken, numbers of people on here have greatly benefited from support and/or advice during trying times.

[Milky Bar Kid]

Neeja, thats horrible! I feel for you, I really do *big hugs*.

I think you have done the right thing by sending her a text letting her know how you feel and leaving it at that. I'm a firm believer that if it's meant to be it will be.

Like most others have said, don't get hung up on sitting around waiting for her to call or text or whatever. Get out there and get doing things. Get your mates to take you out and cheer you up. Doesn't have to be drink orientated, can just be out for a laugh, game of footy, whatever.

I hope you start to feel better soon. *Big hugs again*

[petevtwin650]

Sorry, DT but firstly, that's what IB is for, on-ya-bike is for bike talk. Secondly, I think it insulting to accuse Neeja's issue as being school playground material. Good luck to you if you've never had to deal with being dumped. And, thirdly, people who are younger than you and me do use forums to discuss their lives. That's what young people do. If I'm not mistaken, numbers of people on here have greatly benefited from support and/or advice during trying times.

Well, I'm with DT on this.

Doesn't bother me that much as I rarely frequent IB, but I see where he is coming from.

[Gerry]

Really feel for you Neeja, it's totally gutting.

Two months ago my wife of 29 years moved out to "find herself" !
Said she had been a good wife and good mum (agreed) and now wanted some selfish "me time". Said she loves me tons but wasn't "excited" about being married to me anymore.
She's just about to turn 50 !

What I have found in the last few weeks is that no amount of humiliating grovelling or pleading works and you can't beat it with logic.
All you can do it keep busy, try not to dwell on your plight and try to detach and look after your own welfare.

For me lots of talking to good friends and family helps and as we all know time does make things seem better.
I think you will have ups and downs, but the ups will grow and the downs not so down. In time, you will even start to see some benefits of being single.
I know,that being so very old (to you) you will think our experiences not similar, but having the woman you would die for reject you hurts the same at any age.

Keep busy and talking to friends / family - it will get less painfull.
G

[ArtyLady]

.......... I still consider it undignified that a man reveals his private life to total strangers.

I actually agree with DT (and not just cos he is my friend!) - surely a phone call to Samaritans (anyone who is distressed can phone them) would be a far more confidential and private way of talking through it :-k

Anyway, back to the issue you've posted about - if someone has dumped then hold your head up high and move on - as others have said you can't force someone to love you........ :(

[Owenski]

I dont want Idle banter to turn into a problem page so I see DT's point. But this isnt a "I've stubbed my toe on the door, now Im sad" kind of post, he's turned to the Org for some good honest advice from the 50 or so regular posters who if like me he does value the opinion of.

Neeja, I'd listen to Fizzwheel sounds like he's had a few rough ones. He says everything I'd want to say only he says it much much better.
I've only had one very rough breakup and it wrecked me at the time. The oddest thing was that I sat and sulked for weeks failing to understand just what went wrong (turned out to be another guy but I wasnt to know that). But as soon as I picked my self up and said **** it! Went out with some mates, made some new mates and started doing some of the things I'd not been able to/felt like doing previously that I really discovered myself.
Those following months I found myself enjoying life etc soooo much more than I had before hand. I was never un-happy in my relationship not one bit, but I loved those months of just doing stuff for me without a second thought.

Dont look at this as a bad thing mate, you've just been let off a life term.
YOUR FREE ENJOY THE NUTS OFF OF IT!

[Fizzy Fish]

Neeja, sorry to hear about your split. I haven't got any more to add over what's already been said, but good luck to you getting through the next few days (always the worst - it does get better from there!).
:grouphug:

And don't feel bad about posting up on the forum, if others don't like it or wouldn't post the same kinda thing themselves that's their choice, but TBH they don't have to read it if they don't want to...

And Gerry, hope all works out for you guys as well!

[plowsie]

There's a whole sea of fish out there mate. Chin up, crack on. Get that bike fixed, that'll keep your mind occupied.

[Quedos]

can't add anything else that hasn't been said - but keep yourself busy and try not to get wound up in thoughts of her just now.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{[hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[dizzyblonde]

TBH, I have to partially agree with DT. I know this loveable old fogey, and his words are heartfelt and very honest. This is why I agree with him.

I spent five years of my life with another org member, Carnivore. Only those that needed to know within the org knew what was going on, others got hints or snippets. I made a very very big life changing decision before I went to the AR, and came home and well things changed and I'm not sure he expected it. I didn't come on here telling what happened between us. I went through two years of hell to come to that decision and nobody on here really saw it coming.....it was a private thing.
Over the coming weeks I found someone special, another org member and when the time was right, I decided to tell publically who I had started to see.....but only because Mr Carnivore had already been told what was happening....again, room for privacy and thought about him...because he reads in here every day.


Hurts like hell when you're dumped Neeja, been there myself. However, she probably went through hell to make a decision that didn't involve you anymore. I can understand why you posted, I have felt many times I've wanted to post something...just to take the weight off my poor little head. BUT, sometimes its just not the right move.

[jamesterror]

I don't often post in threads like this, but I can see where DT is coming from, but I also understand Neeja sometimes its just best to talk about your feelings and see what other people say, and its easier to type it down rather it is to explain all face to face with somebody.

I'm only a young'n, my non-life-experienced opinion won't be as valued as much, all can I say is just keep your head up high and don't get her drag you down even though you love her, expect the worse and if the better happens you'll enjoy it more. If you have too much hope in getting back together and it doesn't happen I think you'd be even more disappointed.

[pegasus]

Unlucky Neeja, not a nice situation to be in, however i think all the readers need to understand that Mr DT is not an angry old fart, far from it, i value his friendship and opinion more than anyones.

I am pretty certain all he was doing was grabbing you by the shoulders giving you a good thorough shake and saying in his own way, for christs sake get on with everything else in your life!!!!
this is his way of giving good advice.

[Neeja]

There's been PMs exchanged between DT and myself, and I completely understand his point of view.

The point of this thread was that I've never, ever been hurt this badly before. Last night I literally did not know what to do. Had there been arguments or other large signs beforehand I would have been prepared, but instead I just had the ground ripped from underneath me.

I posted here with the question of "How do you get through this?" because I genuinely didn't know. Everything that I tried didn't seem to work. The replies here gave me a large amount of comfort and helped to calm me down. Note that I wasn't sat around moping while doing this - I was putting my bike back together from 7 until 10pm. I checked in here whenever things got a bit too much for me and it made me feel better and helped me get on with things.

People seem to have jumped on DT and basically told him off for being harsh and kicking me while I'm down. Although it may seem that he was being offensive to some, I see it as him expressing his opinion on posting feelings in open forums. A lot of people (myself included) disagree with his opinion, but this is an open forum, which means that everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I requested that he no longer derailed the thread, and he's now started another in IB expressing his views and opening them for discussion.

To the people who replied here: Thankyou. Between you all you helped me get through last night.

To the people who PM'd me: I haven't replied to anyone, but I want you all to know that I appreciate the time taken to send messages, including invitations of staying over and pub visits to help cope. For a group of strangers on the internet I couldn't ask for a friendlier lot.

I'm feeling marginally better today. I've sent an e-mail to her mum's work address asking her how my ex- is holding up. I don't want to talk to her directly about how she's feeling at the moment as I want to give her some space, but I want to know that she's doing ok as she was a mess last night.

[DaveP]

Chris mate... Feeling for you... been there myslef in the recent past... Chin up keep busy and think forwards. If you fancy a pint then i am round the corner, you have my number!!

For everyone who has said this shouldnt be here... Just because this isnt something you would do (i wouldnt do this either) dont mean that he shouldnt... This is an open forum and an Idle Banter For non SV and non bike related chat.

In the nicest possible way... if you dont like it, dont read it. But in no way should you, i or anyone slate this person or comment saying its wrong!

Any way... the first pint is on me!!

Dave

[Bluefish]

Tough luck mate, I feel for you, but **** happens, you just have to get on with life because the alternative is not pretty. Look on the bright side at least you don't have to get a divorce, they really suck. :p

[muffles]

SWT...


Oh wait, wrong forum http://www.pistonheads.com/inc/images/getmecoat.gif

[neio79]

Not read the whole lot , but sounds like she is at Uni , young etc, TBH sounds like she has met someone else. Sorry the worlds harsh and not fair , it happens,.

people are hapier for it , I met someone else after 10 years of marrige and i am much hapier for it.

Life goes on , go enjoy it , this will all seem like a memory before long

[carty]

Like jamesterror I don't often post in advice threads like these as I usually have either no interest or nothing decent to contribute...

However, I have been both the dumper and the dumpee in the past so I can see both sides of this one and may be able to add something :-k

I was dumped by my first love when I was 17. We had been together for a couple of years and I absolutely thought the world of her. I was besotted, and when she said she didn’t think things were working my bubble burst and I thought the world was over. I vividly remember crying to my Mum, telling her how I didn’t want to ever be with anyone again, and that no-one would feel the same about me as she did either. :smt022 Guess what? A few months later I had met someone else who I grew to have the same feelings about, who rocked my world again, and I ended up being with her for about four years. That time around though, it was me who changed and decided that I no longer wanted to be with her and I made the heartbreaking decision to break up with her. We had been through a lot together and both she and her parents thought the world of me, but it wasn’t working for me anymore. When I told her it was over she wouldn’t accept it at all – it was an horrific time for both of us and I ended up in counselling sessions with her and everything (she requested the counselling as she couldn’t cope with my decision – I wanted her to be ok and agreed to help her through it as best I could, it all got very messy).

Shortly after again, I met my wife, we have been together for 8 years and married for 2 and a half. My ex got with someone else after a while and last I heard she was very happy with him too.

My point through all of this is that relationships come and go, heartbreaks happen and whilst they’re not easy, things do get better in time and YOU WILL meet someone else who you are happier with in the future.

Right, I’ve bared my soul now, hope it helps dude :salut:

[Woz]

Neeja, you say she is 21. How old are you? If it's around the same age, then I'm afraid to say you may have to get used to it as there will be plenty more break ups in your life before you settle down.

[Warthog]

I was dumped by my first love when I was 17. We had been together for a couple of years and I absolutely thought the world of her. I was besotted, and when she said she didn’t think things were working my bubble burst and I thought the world was over. I vividly remember crying to my Mum, telling her how I didn’t want to ever be with anyone again, and that no-one would feel the same about me as she did either. :smt022 Guess what? A few months later I had met someone else who I grew to have the same feelings about, who rocked my world again, and I ended up being with her for about four years. That time around though, it was me who changed and decided that I no longer wanted to be with her and I made the heartbreaking decision to break up with her. We had been through a lot together and both she and her parents thought the world of me, but it wasn’t working for me anymore. When I told her it was over she wouldn’t accept it at all – it was an horrific time for both of us and I ended up in counselling sessions with her and everything (she requested the counselling as she couldn’t cope with my decision – I wanted her to be ok and agreed to help her through it as best I could, it all got very messy).

Amazing, this exact same thing has happened to me. Been dumped and the dumper. Neeja, it is a terrible thing to happen, I understand exactly how you feel; like your whole world and all your plans have collapsed. I was with my ex for a number of years, when she suddenly just said she didn't love me anymore and it was over. I was destroyed, I couldn't work properly, everything reminded me of her and I just cried all the time. Sleeping at night was hard because you are alone with your thoughts, and I used to have dreams that we were still together and wake up only to remember we were apart. The thing is, some people haven't ever experienced this, and so they just don't understand. One of my friends told me he was "sorry for me" etc, but then 3 months later his fiancee did the same to him and he came back and apologised like crazy, saying he actually just didn't know how much it hurt until it had happened to him. Some people can have sympathy with you, some people can have empathy with you, they are different things. From what you have written it sounds exactly like what I went through, and for that I am so so sorry for you. All I can say is that time always heals, but it does take a long time sadly. The things that really helped me was talking lots and lots; to friends, to strangers, to family. Only then does your brain begin to make sense of it all and you can recover. I think posting here and hearing that it has happened to a lot of other people too and you are not alone is a very good thing, and I am glad you did. If you need more help or advice, please PM me.

As for DT, I'm going to take that to the other thread.

[Iansv II]

Meh.. I've tried to write two replies but ended up deleting them due to reminding me of my breakup last year..

Suffice to say time is a great healer and good luck

[Alpinestarhero]

Just found this thread (and subsiquently, the reason behind DT's other thread).

Anyway, Neeja...take it easy, take it one day at a time.

You'll get through buddy, and I'm sure many people on here don't mind you letting people know how your feeling.

When my cousin lost his girlfriend (she left him too), he became quite depressed. He eventually took his own life.

Be safe,

Matt

[stewie]

Sorry to hear it mate, its not easy I suppose, keep your chin up matey.

[SoulKiss]

I'm going with the being blunt camp.

Plenty of fish in the sea mate, and to be honest if the first that you knew she was unhappy, was being handed a bag, then there are so many things to consider.

How could you miss that something was wrong?

She may have done a great cover-up job on it, so not saying that you should have spotted it, just leading onto the fact that what was wrong with the relationship that she couldn't talk to you about it WAY before it got to bin-bag time.

All relationships HAVE to be built on honesty and communication.

Probably not what you wanted to read, but hopefully some words of value if you get a second chance with her, or in future relationships

[Neeja]

SK, I know about the communication side of things. She'd been a bit off for a few weeks, as mentioned previously, but said it was uni-related. I ended up telling her on Saturday that I felt like she wasn't talking to me about how she felt any more, and that she could talk to me about anything if she ever had any problems.

[carty]

How could you miss that something was wrong?

I know what you're saying; and I don't know what the situation was in Neeja's case, but I know myself that one day I wanted to be with a girl, the next day I knew it wasn't to be. There's not always tell-tale signs and there's not always a rational reason for it :-k

[ophic]

When my cousin lost his girlfriend (she left him too), he became quite depressed. He eventually took his own life.
lmao great advice there. You can always count on the org. :smt107

Truth is, break-ups happen, and they're usually very traumatic - to the point that, in time, you unconsciously choose not to remember it. Just deal as best you can. You will get over it.

SK, you're assuming she's normal. I could tell you some stories...

[SoulKiss]

I know what you're saying; and I don't know what the situation was in Neeja's case, but I know myself that one day I wanted to be with a girl, the next day I knew it wasn't to be. There's not always tell-tale signs and there's not always a rational reason for it :-k

And if you read the very next paragraph from the one you have focussed on you will see that I said it already :p

[carty]

And if you read the very next paragraph from the one you have focussed on you will see that I said it already :p

Okey dokey :), maybe I should have focussed on this paragraph;


She may have done a great cover-up job on it, so not saying that you should have spotted it, just leading onto the fact that what was wrong with the relationship that she couldn't talk to you about it WAY before it got to bin-bag time.

And said that there may have been nothing wrong with the relationship one day, no problems that needing talking about or communicating, but then the next day a switch flicks and there is something wrong that seemingly has no cure and that is the trigger for the break-up. I'm saying that I believe that sometimes there is nothing worth talking about to cure the situation, a person just wants out of the relationship.

[Dicky Ticker]

I am sure that many of us on here have had relationships that haven't quite worked out as we would have wished but you just have to make the most of the cards you are given and get on with life
How many on here have only had one love in their life or only ever had one girlfriend or boyfriend-----------very few I would imagine taking from the time that you first noticed the opposite[or even same for the PC Brigade] sex to the partner you are with today
Relationships like people change with time and being able for the both to adapt to the change is what makes it work---or not as the case maybe
An example is when your first born arrives,it certainly changed my aspect on life and I would like to think for the better

[flymo]

...but I know myself that one day I wanted to be with a girl, the next day I knew it wasn't to be.....

Bugger, that wasnt the wedding day was it ;)

[carty]

Bugger, that wasnt the wedding day was it ;)

Fortunately, for many reasons, it wasn't :p

[Binky]

Feel bad for you Neeja. :(

Not read every post, but have to say as time goes on i think you'll start to feel better. Hope it works out for you anyway.

[flymo]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOlTdkYXuzE

[Speedy Claire]

Flymo at first I thought WTF!!!! but truly inspirational.... puts everything into perspective and I can`t help but admire that guy.

[yorkie_chris]

Go out with your mates, go to the pub, get drunk,

+1

[lee67]

and ur moaning......get on thi bike and go ride....:D

[pookie]

Go shopping..spend some money on yourself..get a ps3 / xbox 360. Stick the radio on in the background so its not so quiet around the place.

Just think you wont get nagged at, you'll be able to get to places on time. The bathroom will be free and you can leave the seat up.

[Mej]

like everyone has already said that is harsh, but i would hang on for too long mate, i dont know how old you are but your best bet is just to make the most of being single for the time being

[ArtyLady]

Gah! now you've started it all up again!!! :rolleyes:

[sv-robo]

Gah! now you've started it all up again!!! :rolleyes:
Me;) what,when,where?.....move along nothing to see here:)

[kwak zzr]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOlTdkYXuzE


that video makes daily problems feel insignificant

[Alpinestarhero]

Go shopping..spend some money on yourself..get a ps3 / xbox 360. Stick the radio on in the background so its not so quiet around the place.

Just think you wont get nagged at, you'll be able to get to places on time. The bathroom will be free and you can leave the seat up.

the xbox 360 is a good idea. get on xbox live, add us xbox'ers on here and join us for a game of battlefeild, forza 3, GTA (paul the 6th will run you down)

[Specialone]

the xbox 360 is a good idea. get on xbox live, add us xbox'ers on here and join us for a game of battlefeild, forza 3, GTA (paul the 6th will run you down)

PS3 is where its at :D
Sorry, but someone was gonna say it, might as well be me;)

[Spiderman]

guys...i moved all the xbox posts to a more relevant place... http://forums.sv650.org/showthread.php?t=117307&highlight=xbox

:)

[kwak zzr]

had enuf of this i'm gone.

[speedplay]

Part of me really wants to be slightly insensitive (I know its unlike me) and say:-

Go out, get drunk and get laid.


sorry.

[Jayneflakes]

Bad luck, but trust me, things get better and there is really nothing like heading out with your mates and having a laugh to make you feel better. :salut:

Last time I lost some one special I went out with my mates and had Kangaroo meat for the first time ever! Could never have done that with her because she was veggie. :smt107

Ten years later, I am well over her, back in touch and was delighted when she married some really nice who is much better for her than I ever was. Also I changed a lot and did a lot of growing up (no really, this is as grown up as I will ever be!) and met a girl who I truly love. I thought I had truly loved the original girl, but this is on a different level. :smt075

Oh I am veggie now too, Kangaroo was really horrid, tasted like dog food (yes I do know that for a fact, it was a drunken dare at uni!). :-k

Take your time to heal, have a lot of laughs with your mates, do things you want to do with out compromise (all relationships have compromise in them somewhere, it is what makes them work.) and be selfish for a little while. I could mention tarts and massages, but you will have to explore that one alone! :smt118

Heal soon fella, get angry and move on. Not met you, but imagine that it was her loss! :rambo:

[muffles]

Oh I am veggie now too, Kangaroo was really horrid

Lies! :p

I had a Kangaroo steak in Oz a few years back, barbequed - bloody lovely, tasted like an even more delicious version of lamb. Of course if you hate lamb... :D

[thefallenangel]

Hope the bike helps you through.

[Sally]

Go to the pub with you're mates, have a laugh.

Do anything which takes you're mind off things...