View Full Version : I just found out I am a father... (read comment)
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 06:59 PM
I am not one to air my "dirty laundry" in public, but, as I have a few friends on here and though I would share with you guys and gals something major in my life.
Anyway, I got the letter back today from the DNA testing centre telling me there is a 99.999% chance I am the father of a child I have never seen or seen the mother since before the child was born.
I last saw my daughter’s mother back in August 2005. I was in a relationship with her for only 3 months from February to May 2005, during which time I knew she was pregnant, but, she never said it was mine with much conviction. We broke up after her father died of cancer and she blamed me for being insensitive and disrespectful of her father, even though I did think, and still do think, he was an amazing man. He is an ex-RAF pilot and flew Tornadoes in the first “Gulf War”.
Anyway, we met again in August 2005, as I went to University of Plymouth, as did my daughters mother, and still had friends down there who's birthday is was. I tried to get back on terms with the mother and thought we should make another go of it for the sake of our daughter.
After this meeting we didn't speak for another 6 months, not through lack of trying on my part... But, because of how I was treated and of being unsure of the paternity of my daughter at the time I "washed my hands" of it all and just let it lay.
About two and half months ago I received and abusive message through Facebook saying I should get more involved with my daughter, I put it down to crossed lines and let that go, but, I then got a message from the mother of my daughter saying she was asking about me, but, because of still not being 100% I ignored that too...
So, two months ago I received a letter from the CSA asking for money for my daughter, I said I don't think I was the father. I was directed to get a paternal DNA test done, which I did and the results came back today, hence all this waffle.
Anyway, feel free to abuse, comment, ridicule, help and/or think less of as you see fit...
Cheers
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 07:13 PM
I doubt I am yours, I am not that old...
Not what i was implying...
the_lone_wolf
25-05-10, 07:17 PM
Father and child united after so long:
http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/11_02/lambNNP_468x414.jpg
;)
Damn why didnt i think of something witty like that
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 07:20 PM
Father and child united after so long:
http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/11_02/lambNNP_468x414.jpg
;)
Dude, that would be easier to explain...
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 07:21 PM
Damn why didnt i think of something witty like that
because your not...
because your not...
:(
I dislike you, but prepare for abuse on bbm
Iansv II
25-05-10, 07:23 PM
http://jirl.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/homer-doh.jpg
husky03
25-05-10, 07:30 PM
sorry mate but i think you have done wrong- if there was the slightest chance that you were the childs father no matter how much bull was between you and the mother you should have paid for the test and found out straight away, but that is now in the past and its time for you to be what you should be - a father.There's nothing like it and the only thing that can top it must be being a mother to a child.
all the joking aside, I think there have been faults on both sides.
Her's for not making things easy, yours for not finding out sooner.
I can see this from both sides of the fence, so I feel for you, it's a bit of a bombshell.
All you can do now is do your best to build a relationship with your daughter, believe me they need a "dad" around. Whether there's been one around or not up until this point. At the same time I will say dont let the ex take you for a ride, ie paying maintenance and no access or last minute changes and all that crap. Be honest with her, tell her you want to see the kid and build a relationship with her. It sucks having money taken out of your wages for a kid you never see.
It also depends on your current situation, if you have a partner what does she think? there's a lot to think about.
Sorry I cant be more help.
Jen
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 07:54 PM
Well, thanks for the help Jen, better then from most (HU & TLW to name a few! ha ha)
I hate the woman for what she has done and how it has gone, but, I did kind of bury my head in the sand.
Luckily for all women out there I am single and now because intend on staying that way... I can't make my bike pregnant...
Anyway, I am seeing what i can do about my daughter and hopefully will have more positive news in the future
You need to get past the hate part, I know that is a million times easier said than done but really, you have to get past that. It wont do the kidlet any good if there is bad blood or an atmosphere everytime she sees you.
There will also be a lot of crap to deal with, depending on what the mother has told the child, and what she continues to tell her in the future. There is also the potential for using the kidlet as a pawn in the future, ie the mother using her as blackmail or similar. I'm not saying she will, I dont know her, but women are cruel creatures.
I can see why some blokes walk away - women can be evil - and have nothing to do with the kids, its just easier to explain it to the 18 year old who tips up on your door step one day. Thats not what i'm advising you do, but sometimes it is the only way.
I'm not going to tell you how I know all this - but if you want to talk you can pm me.
Prepare yourself for the long haul, and good luck.
Bluefish
25-05-10, 08:02 PM
congrats matey :D, guess your life just changed hopefully for the better.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 08:06 PM
I know what you mean, I won't show any animosity towards the mother while the mother is around, but, I imagine the mother will be instilling in the child how evil and horrible I am...
Thank you for the wished luck :-)
hongman
25-05-10, 08:16 PM
Congratulations!
Chin up mate, its not all bad. Being a father is possibly one of the best things that can happen to any man.
As long as you make the effort to try do right by your daughter, hopefully both you and the mother can come to an amicable truce.
Good luck.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 08:19 PM
Perhaps, none of this was in the planning, but, I always try to live life by the positives, however they come around
dizzyblonde
25-05-10, 08:21 PM
At least you have tried in the past. If the mother is willing to go ahead, and make things easier then great.
A child does deserve a father, unfortunately there are some **** fathers out there. I have first hand experience on that one.
I split with my sons dad when he was two, he tried to have him every weekend, remarried, had me do everything on his terms, and my son had a very ragged relationship with him, until he was five.
Luckily for my sons sake, after daddy fecked off and threw his toys out of the pram, mummy played both roles. His dads been sniffing around lately trying to make contact after three years via a couple of my close friends, but as far as I am concerned the bum(and he really is) can't give anything positive to my son for the forseeable future. hes wrecked that little boys life for the last five years.
When my son is old enough to get on a bus on his own, and if he makes the decision he wants to see his dad then I'll give him my blessing. I have never slagged off his dad in front of him, he only gets spoken about when my son brings it up. Messing a childs life about is not up for discussion in my book, so therefore this bloke doesn't deserve the title 'dad'.
You on the otherhand, have tried, and not been given the chance, so therefore should be given the respect to make a relationship with your daughter. But remember, never mess it up, its not the adults that end up being hurt. Kids can't openly tell you how they feel, but its seen in other ways, their mothers have to pick up the pieces as best they can.
BTW, not all mums instill evil things into the minds of their children, this one doesn't. Only thing that does is backfire when they are older. Why bother doing that? Better to make do with what you have, and not force on a child your opinion of another adult. Like I say, 'dad' is not spoken about in this house, unless on my sons terms.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 08:24 PM
Wow, that is deep DB. And thanks, you have given me a lot to think about and I want to do right by my daughter, even if that is just paying for her and no knowing her.
I have to do the best for her now, not me or the mother, but her
First off Congratulations!
I think Fenjer has given some brilliant advice (and dizzy was typing this when she replied) .......My brother in law pays for his daughter via the CSA and yet her mother has stopped him seeing her (about 5 years ago shortly after his wedding to my sister). He hates the fact that he has to pay yet doesn't see his daughter.
I think you are right in the fact you buried your head, as we are all guilty for doing at different points in our life.
I really do hope things work out for you Tony in building a relationship with your daughter, as a female I would be a different person without the relationship I have with my dad. If what her mother has said and she is starting to ask questions means that she wants to know you (I know she will be very young) which may be a better time to start building a relationship, before gets to an age when it could be harder.
Life throws these things at us now and again to see how we cope! I think you will be great at this
x
I'm not one to pass judgement on anybody in sensitive areas such as these...but I would excercise caution when using that form of document as an internet avatar. I'm not meaning to sound like a ****...it's just that you never know who's reading these things...and I know that there are rules about those documents.
BTW, not all mums instill evil things into the minds of their children, this one doesn't.
I didn't mean to imply that they all did DB, sorry! Just more often than not it does descend into this state of affairs.
Hopefully things will be ok in this situation and there is the chance for C_A to build a good relationship with his daughter. :)
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 08:34 PM
I'm not one to pass judgement on anybidy in sensitive areas such as these...but I would excercise caution when using that form of document as an internet avatar. I'm not meaning to sound like a ****...it's just that you never know who's reading these things...and I know that there are rules about those documents.
If it is banned I will remove it, but, it isn't from my job, it was from a job...
I didn't mean to imply that they all did DB, sorry! Just more often than not it does descend into this state of affairs.
Hopefully things will be ok in this situation and there is the chance for C_A to build a good relationship with his daughter. :)
I hope I can foster something close to good relationship with my daughter after all that has gone on...
dizzyblonde
25-05-10, 08:37 PM
Wow, that is deep DB. And thanks, you have given me a lot to think about and I want to do right by my daughter, even if that is just paying for her and no knowing her.
I have to do the best for her now, not me or the mother, but her
No worries. It can be pretty stressing from both sides really.
Children and these sort of situations I have very strong feelings about, and if I can help by explaining my experience, I'll openly say something.
I do have a close friend, who had a son when he was quite young. Unfortunately he wasn't told when he was born and didn't know much of him until he was about four. Although the mother never wanted him involved he always sent him a xmas card, and present without fail every year. The lad is now 18 and they have a marvellous relationship. His son made the decision when he was old enough to come find my mate.
My friend also stands by my decision over my son, even though he has had it from the other side of the coin.
Every tale has its different sides, you just have to work at it as best you can.
Hopefully, if you are patient, you can make something work, and have an acceptable relationship with your daughter. Don't expect it all your own way, give and take a little, it will be hard, and always have her best interests at heart.
hongman
25-05-10, 08:37 PM
You obviously have the right attitude about it, if I believed in God I'd pray for you and your daughter. Instead I'll just say good luck again here. Good luck!
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 08:40 PM
No worries. It can be pretty stressing from both sides really.
Children and these sort of situations I have very strong feelings about, and if I can help by explaining my experience, I'll openly say something.
I do have a close friend, who had a son when he was quite young. Unfortunately he wasn't told when he was born and didn't know much of him until he was about four. Although the mother never wanted him involved he always sent him a xmas card, and present without fail every year. The lad is now 18 and they have a marvellous relationship. His son made the decision when he was old enough to come find my mate.
My friend also stands by my decision over my son, even though he has had it from the other side of the coin.
Every tale has its different sides, you just have to work at it as best you can.
Hopefully, if you are patient, you can make something work, and have an acceptable relationship with your daughter. Don't expect it all your own way, give and take a little, it will be hard, and always have her best interests at heart.
Unfortunately I don't even know where my daughter lives, so, cards and presents might be a bit tough, but, over time I am sure I can become part of her life, even if it means being amicable to the mother while the true feelings boil underneath
You obviously have the right attitude about it, if I believed in God I'd pray for you and your daughter. Instead I'll just say good luck again here. Good luck!
If God was with me, this would all be different! lol
If it is banned I will remove it, but, it isn't from my job, it was from a job...
..
The job or why you have it is irrelevant I feel. It is a document that is used to access MOD land in a specific area and as such is bound by certain rules as is the person who possess such documents. If it is not yours then it should be handed in to the nearest police station rather than published on an internet forum.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 08:45 PM
I don't have it anymore, I gave it back when I left
I shall mod it accordingly to make it useless to the taliban now...
dizzyblonde
25-05-10, 08:46 PM
My brother in law pays for his daughter via the CSA and yet her mother has stopped him seeing her (about 5 years ago shortly after his wedding to my sister). He hates the fact that he has to pay yet doesn't see his daughter.
The CSA is a funny one, can never understand it sometimes, or they way they seem to operate.
I for one have never had them involved, even when money has been tight, I've refused their services.
The CSA is a funny one, can never understand it sometimes, or they way they seem to operate.
I for one have never had them involved, even when money has been tight, I've refused their services.
+1 on this one
davepreston
25-05-10, 08:53 PM
have a proper think here mate, knowing your daughter may be worth jumping thru a few hoops, i'd say if ya want me cash ya give me access but everyones different, you know my genral feeling on this and think you be a cracking rolemodel for your kid and its what you'd ultimately aim for, just be pasiant and even with the cirumstances i hope you have a long and loving relationship with with your daughter, i may have missed it but whats her name
dave
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 08:53 PM
I have read into the CSA (C-MEC) and from what I have read, they are not great fun to be involved will, but, I don't have much choice now...
have a proper think here mate, knowing your daughter may be worth jumping thru a few hoops, i'd say if ya want me cash ya give me access but everyones different, you know my genral feeling on this and think you be a cracking rolemodel for your kid and its what you'd ultimately aim for, just be pasiant and even with the cirumstances i hope you have a long and loving relationship with with your daughter, i may have missed it but whats her name
dave
You really don't know me Dave... Lol
I don't mind being made to pay for my daughter, at the end of the day, if I was with the mother I would have to pay anyway... I just want to be able to see her and do what is best for her now I know she is mine
maviczap
25-05-10, 09:00 PM
Phew this is heavy stuff to be reading. All I can say is my kids are the best thing that's happened to me, you've found out in a very strange way.
So I hope it all works out for you and your daughter, shes too young to really understand at the mo
davepreston
25-05-10, 09:01 PM
then my friend, ask
ask to see and spend time with her, provisionly on the mothers time table untill you made a rapour with your daughter then something more settled
then see if thats a goer ,if not there are far more wise people on there than me on the subject
now more important than that just close your eyes for a min and think
i'm a dad, ive made life, ive now got another part of me
and if that dont make you cry like a little girl you didnt follow the instructions directly above
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 09:03 PM
I am not gonna cry, oddly enough knowing all this has made me happier then I have been in a while. More then anything I am worried about my parents (who are now grand parents,) they can't handle change well.
My main issue is last address for the mother was Milton Keynes... I am in South Wales...
hongman
25-05-10, 09:03 PM
And here I thought you were just a grumpy git :)
So I hope it all works out for you and your daughter, shes too young to really understand at the mo
Balls. Sorry. Complete rubbish.
My 5 year old totally understands that her dad walked out on her and doesnt want to know her. I haven't fed her any "bad stuff" about him, but she knows exactly what it means to not have a dad. By the age of 5 they are at pre-school and nursery and kids ask questions.
Sorry, Mav, that just hit a nerve.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 09:06 PM
And here I thought you were just a grumpy git :)
I am that too... Lol
Balls. Sorry. Complete rubbish.
My 5 year old totally understands that her dad walked out on her and doesnt want to know her. I haven't fed her any "bad stuff" about him, but she knows exactly what it means to not have a dad. By the age of 5 they are at pre-school and nursery and kids ask questions.
Sorry, Mav, that just hit a nerve.
I am totally screwed then...
+1 to that.
A 4 and a half year old knows exactly whats going on. First year of school too mixing with more kids who ask questions.
Congratulations C. x
hongman
25-05-10, 09:08 PM
Was aimed at dave. You just enjoy ridiculing the old, weak and short people! Shame on you!
dizzyblonde
25-05-10, 09:09 PM
I've said in previous posts, kids show they understand in very odd ways. When my son was five, he was in the thick of being given the runaround. He didn't like eating properly, was very clingy, amongst other things. They can be very withdrawn, and because they are doing lots of new things(like school) and it can be very hard to put your finger on it. Hindsight would be a great thing at the time, would make life easier!
They can't tell you out right what they feel, because they don't have the grasp of explaining properly at that age....all guess work on the parents part.
davepreston
25-05-10, 09:15 PM
Was aimed at dave. You just enjoy ridiculing the old, weak and short people! Shame on you!
how dare you sir
i also insult the jocks,taffs ,english, southeners, french, fat people, yc, black, yellow brown, muslims, and of course if i didnt mention YC
i hope that clarifies the situation
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 09:19 PM
I've said in previous posts, kids show they understand in very odd ways. When my son was five, he was in the thick of being given the runaround. He didn't like eating properly, was very clingy, amongst other things. They can be very withdrawn, and because they are doing lots of new things(like school) and it can be very hard to put your finger on it. Hindsight would be a great thing at the time, would make life easier!
They can't tell you out right what they feel, because they don't have the grasp of explaining properly at that age....all guess work on the parents part.
Hindsight is always great in any situation
No - you are not screwed. you still have a chance to fix it.
My situation is complicated - and i dont want to go into it here, but kids that age do know.
Like I say it depends what the mother has told her. Although they know what is going on , like DB says they are able to adjust and take on changes. If you come into her life, and are a positive role model, influence and do your best to be a good dad, then she will remember that too.
you are not screwed, you are only just setting out on this journey, and you can make it fab, for you and her. like I have already said, it wont be easy, but it will be worth it.
:)
Drew Carey
25-05-10, 09:22 PM
Tony Buddy, I can't imagine for one second how you are feeling right now.....bet its a mixture of trepidation, nervous, excited, happy etc etc etc
My words are simple and echo what peeps have already said....you are now a father, nothing can ever take that away from you and you need to do all you can to be a big part of her life.....for her.
If it means sacrifices then do it (but not sacrifices for the mum, for the daughter), if it means moving, do it.....it will take time to work out how this will all work etc but one day you will realise that this is a life changing event for you.....for the better.
Congratulations matey, phone call away if you ever wanna chin wag.
your all missing the biggest point.. this is proof that C_A has been laid.
dizzyblonde
25-05-10, 09:37 PM
What makes you think you are screwed? You are only just taking the first steps on a new journey. Just choose the steps well, and think everything over at every step :-)
Now I have a little boy that I understand more, I have worked hard to make things better for him. I have had some positive input from Carnivore over the five years, he didn't have to play dad and I know at times it was difficult for him. Now Pegs taken things to a whole new level again :-)
I may be selfish sometimes, have fifteen million bikes, dogs, cats etc, but when my son needs me, everything is put on hold, and I move the feckin mountain!
Cymraeg_Atodeg
25-05-10, 09:41 PM
Bibio... Always a source of good natured fun, lol
Drew, cheers dude. I'll drop you a line tomorrow probs, if your not free to chat when I do call we can chat when ever, lol. Although, moving with my job might be difficult..
.
Jen, you have been an amazing source of info and I am sorry about your past, it doesn't sound too fun. I never wated to bring a child into the world this way, but, now I have I know I have to stand by her for her sake if not my sanity
Drew Carey
25-05-10, 09:46 PM
Drew, cheers dude. I'll drop you a line tomorrow probs, if your not free to chat when I do call we can chat when ever, lol.
No worries.....its not like im actually working at work at the mo!!! Anytime is cool.
Chin up......you will be fine.
there will be a lot of positives to come out of this if you do it properly. I'm sure I speak for DB too when i say you know where you are if you need us.
timwilky
26-05-10, 07:21 AM
My two pence worth from a dad/granddad
Fight tooth and nail to be part of your childs life, watching them grow up. To be there for the good times/bad times. It is a real heart warmer when they show you their love. Kids are very resilient, but please don't be a fair weather dad. Be there when it is hard work as well.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 07:34 AM
I intend to try and be the best part of my daughters life I can be and do what I can to be a good father figure.
I am just not looking forward to seeing her horrible mother again
barwel1992
26-05-10, 08:39 AM
wow thats heavy, congrats though
Speedy Claire
26-05-10, 09:04 AM
If you are proven to be the legal father then you will have access rights. My advice would be see a solicitor and first off establish some access. If your daughters mind has been poisoned then at least you will be able to say I tried to get to see you. Also bear in mind that this is a few years down the line and your ex may no longer be the woman she was back then.... she may have hopefully changed for the better.
I might have missed it but have you tried contacting your ex? I remember you mentioning facebook? if so is it worth trying to send a message that way?
I`m sure that if you can establish regular contact your mum and dad will be thrilled at the prospect of being grandparents and once all this is sorted you`ll be equally thrilled at the prospect of being a father. Establish some access, establish some financial contribution and then just enjoy being a daddy and watching your little girl grow.
Very best of luck and you must let us know how you get on.
Speedy Claire
26-05-10, 09:05 AM
Failing all of the above you could always get yourself on Jeremy Kyle :D
Wow - firstly congrats! secondly - you need to contact the mother asap.
Your daughter at 5yrs old isn't a baby - they do know what is going on around them - albeit in simple terms - i.e I have no daddy.
You need to get in touch with mother - keep everything calm, and matter of fact with her. If you intend to be part of your daughters life - make it clearly known to the mother, and then start making arrangements to first meet your daughter, probably will be with the mother. Once you have got to know your daughter you can then start to build up a relationship with her and take it from there.
But as has been said before - DONT mess up.. for what ever reason - if you dont get on with the mother - fine! Just dont let it effect your relationship with your daughter.
If you really want this to work - you will make it work - you will find solutions to problems that come up (like how far you live away etc)
Basically do everything in your power to keep in touch with your daughter on a regular basis - and if you say your going to turn up then do so - and dont let future relationships get in the way (cause they can do)
Best of luck with everything - its not going to be easy - but it will be well worth the extra hassle etc etc ;)
Quiff Wichard
26-05-10, 09:48 AM
make the most of it matey ..
for reasons I wont go in to I have not seen my daughters now for 9 years.. they are now 21 and 18 now;; last time I saw them they were still kids.. now they are all grown up. and I missed it all.
Worst of it is though that because of my ex wife etc etc my mum and dad have not seen them either- which hurts me more..plus my sister and bro and their kids have no contact.
it isnt just you - its your child and your mum and dad and your sisters and brothers etc etc.
you made a start- I know how hard it is ... just keep it up
Quiff Wichard
26-05-10, 09:58 AM
You need to get past the hate part, I know that is a million times easier said than done but really, you have to get past that. It wont do the kidlet any good if there is bad blood or an atmosphere everytime she sees you.
There will also be a lot of crap to deal with, depending on what the mother has told the child, and what she continues to tell her in the future. There is also the potential for using the kidlet as a pawn in the future, ie the mother using her as blackmail or similar. I'm not saying she will, I dont know her, but women are cruel creatures.
I can see why some blokes walk away - women can be evil - and have nothing to do with the kids, its just easier to explain it to the 18 year old who tips up on your door step one day. Thats not what i'm advising you do, but sometimes it is the only way.
I'm not going to tell you how I know all this - but if you want to talk you can pm me.
Prepare yourself for the long haul, and good luck.
just re read this and that is exactly what I had to do.. tough love, if you love them let them set them free etc..
It was affecting too many lives and theirs mostly all the upheaval and broken promises etc etc..
... I am still waiitng for them to tip up at my door.. no one told me it would be this hard or take this long and I live to regret my decision 9 years ago but I hope they have grown in to better people for not having the turmoil that was in their life with 2 lives to live.. it always looks easier in the movies..
my point. ?
Dont do what I did.. I have some deep down pride that I know my kids will have turned out better and it was right to let them go and for me to make the sacrifice,., but it does not outweigh the bloody hurt and the times when I just cry ..(at 43)
so- you have the chance- you have the opportunity .. in essence it is what Tim Wilky said in 3 short lines..
start a memory box, start a diary - write down your thoughts so she can read them one day .. start a bank account with monthly payments in for her so she can see you were there and planning for her future as soon as you knew..
good luck.
sounds to me like you took the easy option and walked. You knew in Aug 05 that she might be yours but as it was tricky you "washed your hands". Her mum who is angry at you (understandable) has had to bring "your" daughter up single handed for the last 5 years, answer questions about where is daddy, do I have a daddy, does daddy not like me etc etc. I realise this has come as a bit of a shock to you but you now need to get your finger out and do something. Either make the effort to see your child on her mums terms, if she says jump you ask how high. You never give up, go to court if necessary. But if you feel it will be too much like hard work (distance is hard) then dont start anything, it will be worse for your daughter to get to know daddy and t hen daddy does a runner again. I realise this may seem harsh but from your comments you dont seem to be taking the situation very seriously (I could have this completely wrong as it is hard to pick up on emotions etc in typed form). My opinion is harsh as my I had to pick up the pieces when I split with my hubby and he was neglectful to his kids. best of luck with whatever you decide but make your decision in the best interests of your daughter not you. You are a daddy now and therefore you have someone much more important in your life than "me"
SoulKiss
26-05-10, 10:33 AM
how dare you sir
i also insult the jocks,taffs ,english, southeners, french, fat people, yc, black, yellow brown, muslims, and of course if i didnt mention YC
i hope that clarifies the situation
Yep indeed, Davepreston is not prejudiced in ANY way.
He hates everyone equally :p
Just NEVER get him on the subject of bog-trotting paddys...
hongman
26-05-10, 10:41 AM
If you are proven to be the legal father then you will have access rights.
One of the many wrongs in the law:
http://www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/Articles/Unmarried-Couples/Unmarried-fathers-paternity-rights.aspx
Basically, if you are unmarried, and not on the birth certificate, legally you are entitled to squat diddly.
F**king wrong, I know.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 11:30 AM
One of the many wrongs in the law:
http://www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/Articles/Unmarried-Couples/Unmarried-fathers-paternity-rights.aspx
Basically, if you are unmarried, and not on the birth certificate, legally you are entitled to squat diddly.
F**king wrong, I know.
Diddly squat it is then. I have the right to oay though, the CSA are making sure of that!
Whoever said the mother was right to be angry with me to begin with should re-read what I put.
I respected her father and did all she wished, I did all the travelling and all the arranging for the baby only to be kicked out of her house when I didn't do anything wrong (even her brother didn't understand)
I tried to sort out our differences in the August of '05 only to be let down by her and now I am expected to do everything!
I will do everything, but, only for my daughters sake!
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 11:49 AM
Just so it is clear I am not trying to make out here that I am blameless for anything to do with this situation.
I did try to start up again with the mother, obviously I didn't try hard enough. But, at the time I wasn't 100% sure the baby was mine and I didn't have the £300 spare to get the test done after just leaving Uni!
I feel bad about how all this has gone, I just hope I can make right and do well for my daughter
hongman
26-05-10, 11:56 AM
Wrongs on both sides from what I read/interpret, but all that is pretty moot now its done and dusted.
Onwards and upwards! Concentrate on making plans and actioning them for the future, try not to dwell on the things that you cant change. Easier said than done, but it will get easier with time I'd imagine.
Whoever said about making a diary etc for her to read one day, great idea too.
carternd
26-05-10, 12:22 PM
If you tried to do the right thing at the time then credit to you, many have taken the easy way out. It's funny how you're never needed until money comes up!
Use this as a way of building a relationship with your daughter, make the mother have to explain WHY you can't have access and justify it. There could be many reasons why she behaved as she did, it's still not right, but try to understand!
I have a soon-to-be-5year old, I had to finish with his mother, because we were endlessly arguing, and it was becoming obvious that I wasn't what she wanted (there was plenty of fault on my side as well) but I'm lucky we have remained able to talk and to help each other. When she has been going through things I often found myself a target, but now we are good friends. I help her if she needs it.
It's a shame you have to put up with hostility on her part. Try to understand her reasons (even if they are rubbish). If you show you care for your daughter, and do what you say you're going to do, she may open up and you may be able to have a better relationship with both. Best of luck to you!
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 01:45 PM
If the information I have is correct the mother of my daughter is married, so, I can only imagine the reason I am being dragged into this is to do with money
But, as the chance has been presented to me I am going to use it to get to know the daughter I doubt I would have ever known about unless she came to find me or vice versa in the future
arenalife
26-05-10, 02:05 PM
Congratulations on your daughter, children are amazing and I hope you get to share time with yours.
Do you think she'd ever have found you if it weren't for facebook?
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 02:20 PM
She didn't find me through facebook, the CSA "found" me... Friends of mine are friends of hers as we went to the same Uni, so, she could always get in touch, just why wait 4 years!?
Do you actually want to meet your daughter?? Only asking because you say you have been 'dragged' into it??
Have you tried to contact the mother yet?
Forget about the hows and why's it has got to this point - you really need to sort your head out and decide if you want to see your daughter or not and keep in constant touch with her for the next 18 years!!
If you think its going to be hard, then dont bother - but you may regret it, you may not? I dont know, and neither will you till it happens.
Your decision is going to affect a childs future - you need to sit down and really think it thru..
Its not just about money - she is a person.
Dont want to sound harsh but if you really want to be part of her life then get in touch with her or find out (even if its thru CSA how to contact her and do it!
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 06:34 PM
Do you actually want to meet your daughter?? Only asking because you say you have been 'dragged' into it??
Have you tried to contact the mother yet?
Forget about the hows and why's it has got to this point - you really need to sort your head out and decide if you want to see your daughter or not and keep in constant touch with her for the next 18 years!!
If you think its going to be hard, then dont bother - but you may regret it, you may not? I dont know, and neither will you till it happens.
Your decision is going to affect a childs future - you need to sit down and really think it thru..
Its not just about money - she is a person.
Dont want to sound harsh but if you really want to be part of her life then get in touch with her or find out (even if its thru CSA how to contact her and do it!
I mentioned being "dragged" into this as it is my information that the mother is now married and the child has a "father" figure, so, the only reason I can assume that she wants to get hold of me through the CSA is for money, not for me to know my daughter.
I have had contact with the mother, but, until I had the results of the DNA test through I was not sure if my daughter was mine and therefore didn't want to talk to the mother.
I am not blaming my daughter for any of this and I know she is a person, but, it is my opinion that the only reason I have had to go through this now is that the mother needs cash and I am the best source
I would say it is unlikely to be much to do with money. It is probably because your daughter has been asking about you etc. They will be talking about family at school and it has probably got her wondering. If it was money your ex was after she would have been in touch years ago. If she is on certain benefits she may have been forced to give your details so that they dont have to pay her so much. Maybe write your daughter a letter as a starting point. good luck with it all
Milky Bar Kid
26-05-10, 07:44 PM
Tony mate, stop asking everyone else. You gotta go with your instincts on this one, none of us can really help you make this decision.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 07:45 PM
I would say it is unlikely to be much to do with money. It is probably because your daughter has been asking about you etc. They will be talking about family at school and it has probably got her wondering. If it was money your ex was after she would have been in touch years ago. If she is on certain benefits she may have been forced to give your details so that they dont have to pay her so much. Maybe write your daughter a letter as a starting point. good luck with it all
I was thinking today about writing a letter, but, I don't have an address to send it to as of yet.
I just find it odd that after nearly 4 years unless it is because of the daughter is is defo about money...
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 07:46 PM
Tony mate, stop asking everyone else. You gotta go with your instincts on this one, none of us can really help you make this decision.
I am not asking anyone anything, I am just discussing options
Milky Bar Kid
26-05-10, 07:48 PM
It's a very difficult decision to make, but at the end of the day, when you lay cards on the table there are not many options - you either want to be the lil girls dad, or you don't. There can be no half measures and no matter how many comments are made, or how much it is discussed on here, you will still be sitting going, WTF do I do here!!?
You need to follow your heart.
Didn't mean it to sound like your blaming daughter etc..
Not wanting to sound harsh - but so what if the mother does want money from you?? As a biological father you still have the responsibilities of helping to financially bring up your daughter whether you chose/choose physically to be in her life or not.
And does it really matter if its been 4 years or 4 months. You don't know her situation so cannot second guess her reasons. If she is married then I cant see her needing your money tbh, as she is not trying to do this on her own - but I dont know what their situation is...
Go with the facts - Fact -you are a dad, Fact- you have been contacted and this has been confirmed, Fact- you now have to act upon this information.
I would be ringing/contacting the CSA and/or family solicitor and start finding out (if this is what you want) how to contact your ex and your daughter and start the ball rolling.
Not sure about a letter as she is a bit young to be reading a letter, but you could write mother a letter?? (or is that what you meant?)
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.. Its going to be life changing, not just for you!
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 08:20 PM
It's a very difficult decision to make, but at the end of the day, when you lay cards on the table there are not many options - you either want to be the lil girls dad, or you don't. There can be no half measures and no matter how many comments are made, or how much it is discussed on here, you will still be sitting going, WTF do I do here!!?
You need to follow your heart.
I know what I need to do Nic, I was just looking for some advice and maybe some chastising too
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 08:22 PM
Didn't mean it to sound like your blaming daughter etc..
Not wanting to sound harsh - but so what if the mother does want money from you?? As a biological father you still have the responsibilities of helping to financially bring up your daughter whether you chose/choose physically to be in her life or not.
And does it really matter if its been 4 years or 4 months. You don't know her situation so cannot second guess her reasons. If she is married then I cant see her needing your money tbh, as she is not trying to do this on her own - but I dont know what their situation is...
Go with the facts - Fact -you are a dad, Fact- you have been contacted and this has been confirmed, Fact- you now have to act upon this information.
I would be ringing/contacting the CSA and/or family solicitor and start finding out (if this is what you want) how to contact your ex and your daughter and start the ball rolling.
Not sure about a letter as she is a bit young to be reading a letter, but you could write mother a letter?? (or is that what you meant?)
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.. Its going to be life changing, not just for you!
I am not trying to shirk any responsibility and now that I know 100% I have a daughter I am going to try my damndest to be in her life and what is best for her
Milky Bar Kid
26-05-10, 08:30 PM
I know what I need to do Nic, I was just looking for some advice and maybe some chastising too
Tony, you are a good guy. Yeh, you maybe didn't handle this as well as you could but you can't undo whats done. I have every faith you will make the right decision.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 08:35 PM
Tony, you are a good guy. Yeh, you maybe didn't handle this as well as you could but you can't undo whats done. I have every faith you will make the right decision.
I am not asking to undo anything, now I know I have a daughter I wouldn't give her up for anything, I just want to do what it right for her now
Milky Bar Kid
26-05-10, 08:40 PM
No! Think about what I mean! I don't mean undo having a daughter!
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 08:42 PM
I know what you mean Nic, that makes one of us, lol
Nobody has the right to chastise you - nobody is perfect and hindsight is a wonderful thing..
I think that maybe you are chastising yourself enough - but you shouldn't - you are only human and as human we ALL make mistakes, and sometime make the wrong decision for the right reasons based on the facts we have at the time.
Wish you all the luck fella on what is going to be a long and hard journey but also could be very rewarding.
Takes a big fella to do what your doing, hat off to you xx
Cymraeg_Atodeg
26-05-10, 09:02 PM
Thank you Muddi, I don't think I am being "big" in this. I just think I am doing what I should be doing now I have all the facts at my disposal.
If I had known more of this earlier I would have done more with my daughter, but, as I didn't know much, I didn't do much. Much my mistake...
carternd
27-05-10, 12:04 PM
Get in contact, see what happens. If you are paying, and there aren't other reasons why you shouldn't see your daughter, you have a right to contact IMO, and she has a right to a relationship with you, regardless of other father figures.
I think you should make yourself a part of your daughter's life, but if you can't for whatever reason maintain a positive and consistent relationship with her, it may be best if you let them alone.
My apologies if any of this comes over as an insult, it's not intended that way, but I only know you from the forum and that is a small fraction of your life at best, so I can't make any judgements on your character. You appear to want to do the right thing. You probably know the right choice anyway, but it's not always easy to accept it!
gruntygiggles
27-05-10, 12:24 PM
Hi Tony, just saw this thread hun.
Look, don't beat yourself up about the past and don't let anyone else judge you. People are very quick to judge others, but lets face it, none of us are perfect! What's done is done and what matters now is the action you take from here on in.
Make your won decisions, but from now on in life, they have to be what's best for your daughter more than what's best for you. You've created a life and from what you have said you now want to be a responsible father and have her in your life.
This will only work if you always bear one thing in mind. Keep on the right side of her mum even if you always disagree. Don't point score, don't argue, learn to bite your lip and say sorry for things you haven't done or agree with thing syou don't actually agree with In short, don't give mum any amunition to use to stop you seeing your daughter and this will also, more importantly mean that your daughter will not pick up on anything negative.
Above all, congratulations dad, and best of luck to you and little one :-)
Cymraeg_Atodeg
27-05-10, 01:55 PM
I know exactly what you are saying Cheryl and I agree with all of it.
I have tried to make contact with the mother both ways I know (e-mail and facebook,) hopefully they will bare fruit.
I intend now to open an account that only I and my daughter can access and I want it to be her 18th birthday present so she can decide if she wants to do uni or buy a house etc...
I will not argue with the mother, I have already apologised about the way I have acted, gone about everything and what a fool I have been.
the thing is I know full well by the law I have no rights to see my child as I am not married to the mother or on the birth certificate. Also, no matter what happens I have to pay 15% of my wages for the next 14.5years, so, I hope I get to see my daughter as then it won't be so painful to see the money leaving my account...
gruntygiggles
27-05-10, 01:59 PM
I know exactly what you are saying Cheryl and I agree with all of it.
I have tried to make contect with the mother both ways I know (e-mail and facebook,) hopefully they will bear fruit.
I intend now to open an account that on I and my daughter can acess and I want it to be her 18th birthday present so she can decide if she wants to do uni or buy a house etc...
I will not argue with the mother, I have already appologised about the way I have acted, gone about everything and what a fool I have been.
the thing is I know full well by the law I have no rights to see my child as I am not married to the mother or on the birth certificate. Also, no matter what happens I have to pay 15% of my wages for the next 14.5years, so, I hope I get to see my daughter as then it won't be so painful to see the money leaving my account...
It is now proven that you are the father, so yes, you do have rights. It will take time to sort out, but the mother cannot take your money and deny you access to the child withouth a valid reason. You not being around until now is not a valid reason. Get some proper legal advice Tony and do it now because when your daughter is 18, she'll be greatful for that money as she'll know that depsite any initial issues, you fought for her....that's all that will matter to her in the end.
:-)
gruntygiggles
27-05-10, 02:03 PM
Sorry.....that sounded a bit idealistic, no you don't automatically have rights, but you can ask for them to be granted by the mother and if she refuses, you can go to court. Try as hard as you can out of court...otherwise, keep fighting Tony....this is your daughter as well.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
27-05-10, 02:34 PM
Sorry.....that sounded a bit idealistic, no you don't automatically have rights, but you can ask for them to be granted by the mother and if she refuses, you can go to court. Try as hard as you can out of court...otherwise, keep fighting Tony....this is your daughter as well.
As of the 1st January 2003 fathers who are unmarried to the mother and who are not named on the birth certificate are not given any rights by the law.
if the mother does not want to grant me access she is well within her rights.
But, come what may I will do what I can for my daughter, even if that means never seeing her and only paying for her
Milky Bar Kid
27-05-10, 02:38 PM
As of the 1st January 2003 fathers who are unmarried to the mother and who are not named on the birth certificate are not given any rights by the law.
if the mother does not want to grant me access she is well within her rights.
But, come what may I will do what I can for my daughter, even if that means never seeing her and only paying for her
Em, this might just be up here, but I am 99% certain it changed in 2003 ish so that fathers DID have rights...! It used to be that you had no rights but they thought that was a bit in the dark ages with DNA testing and stuff.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
27-05-10, 03:03 PM
Em, this might just be up here, but I am 99% certain it changed in 2003 ish so that fathers DID have rights...! It used to be that you had no rights but they thought that was a bit in the dark ages with DNA testing and stuff.
Not meaning to "**** on your bonfire" Nic, but, down here the law changed to what I said, go to the link left on one of the other pages and read that.
If I "kidnap" the child and present no danger to them or myself as judged by the police I am not breaking the law, but, I have no rights of access
gruntygiggles
27-05-10, 05:02 PM
Well just do what you can Tony....have you taken legal advice though? If not, call Trevor Griffiths in Blackwood and ask for Sandra Bray, tell her you are a friend of mine and ask her if she can help.
PM me and I'll send you the number, she's my auntie.
Milky Bar Kid
27-05-10, 05:03 PM
Not meaning to "**** on your bonfire" Nic, but, down here the law changed to what I said, go to the link left on one of the other pages and read that.
If I "kidnap" the child and present no danger to them or myself as judged by the police I am not breaking the law, but, I have no rights of access
Fair enough...seems a silly change considering it was always that way before though.
Deffo do what GG says and go and speak to a solicitor though.
dizzyblonde
27-05-10, 05:07 PM
There is one thing that a solicitor may suggest, and thats 'mediation'. You and the mother will be invited to an appointment with a mediator in a nuetral place somewhere, and you will discuss matters together, to see if it can be resolved to the best of all concerned.
I have been through this service with my sons father, and although it did have its use, and 'dad' got his own way....it ended up being useless as he went against everything he'd promised to do.
Its a worthwhile tool, one of which I'd recommend finding out about.
gruntygiggles
27-05-10, 05:17 PM
There is one thing that a solicitor may suggest, and thats 'mediation'. You and the mother will be invited to an appointment with a mediator in a nuetral place somewhere, and you will discuss matters together, to see if it can be resolved to the best of all concerned.
I have been through this service with my sons father, and although it did have its use, and 'dad' got his own way....it ended up being useless as he went against everything he'd promised to do.
Its a worthwhile tool, one of which I'd recommend finding out about.
+1
Cymraeg_Atodeg
27-05-10, 05:40 PM
Mediation is what I am going for now, but, I have seeked legal advice and been told there is no advice to give as I have no rights...
sorry but Im sure that all unmarried fathers are automatically given parental rights after 2003 . My partner's daughter was born in Nov 2002 and he had to go to court to get parental responsibility. The only possible thing that may make a difference is the fact that you are not on the birth certificate. You have been proven by dna to be the father so you can go to court to apply for parental responsibility. You will have problems opening an account for your daughter if you dont have her birth certificate so you may need to have it in your name alone. I would get in touch with another solicitor that deals with family matters and get them to check it out again. dont give up they have proved you are the father, not saying it will be easy but if its what you want you need to fight. good luck
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