Dealing with death and funerals

[missyburd]

A morbid thread title I know but I felt I needed to post so bear with me. Might even help others in similar situations.

So come Monday I will have been to my second funeral this week, third in 2 months and for the 4th friend/relative in as many months. Before that I had been to one other, YC's grandad. Strange how it all comes at once.

Might sound weird but not sure I know how to grieve properly. How do you do it, how do you know you're coping? When I was told my housemate from uni had died in October I was so shocked that as soon as I hung up the phone I was overcome with this huge wave of emotion, crying the lot. The second recent death was a husband of a friend, not someone I was overly close to (although I was fairly close to the wife so I saw this chap fairly regular and thus saw him spiraling downwards with cancer towards the end). The friend this week was someone I was really sad to go and his funeral was upsetting like nothing I'd experienced before, seeing his recently graduated-as-a-doctor daughter giving a speech about "the best dad in the world" was traumatic to say the least. Don't know how she did it, she only just about did really.

And then I have my grandad's this week. I just don't feel like I'm reacting to it like I should. When I was told - on the phone again - I didn't hang up and burst into tears. I just carried on with my day. But then the next day I had a bit of a cry watching the birds in the garden and I thought, "is that it? is that all I've got to give?" I wasn't really close to him, I was more so when I was a wee girl but I still feel saddened and wish I could have done more and made more of an effort. Always the way. And I know I shouldn't feel like that but I guess it can't be helped.

So anyway, after me pouring my heart out to you all (sorry about that...) I was wondering if you could give some thoughts on how you coped with the passing of close friends/relatives/even people you didn't know too well but still felt obliged to attend that last goodbye ceremony. I know death happens all the time but I don't like this feeling of not caring, even though I do I'm just not sure I know how to express it :-(

MYC, in a bit of a mindpickle... :oops:

[Milky Bar Kid]

It's not easy Maria and to be honest, I think everyone deals with in such different ways that it will be hard for anyone to do anything other than just relay how they did it. There's no right way or wrong way to react to it.

I've only had one close family member die, but I have been to friends funerals and other family members funerals. My Granma died in July last year, after quite a long battle with lung cancer which then spread to her brain. She was in a local hospital for the last two weeks of her life and I kid you not, I spent every spare minute when I wasn't working with her. I would just go and read a book whilst she was there sleeping, but she knew I was there. I was there the morning she died, and for that I will be eternally grateful. I didn't cry at the hospital, I put my "work hat" on as it were and I looked after my Granpa and the rest of the family. I was incredibly close to both my Granma and Granpa when I was little and I spent all my weekends and school holidays with them.

That day, I went home to Mum and Dads and then I went 'round to the flat I was in at the time and as soon as I shut the door, I crumpled. Floods of tears for about 10 minutes and then that was it. Nothing more.

The funeral was a different story. I held it together pretty well until the end of the ceremony and the undertakers bowed at the coffin and I crumpled, properly crumpled. I couldn't even walk properly and my brother practically carried me out of the door of the church. At the graveside, I had a cord and I managed to hold it together to do that.

I still grieve for her, I will hear a song that she liked or something and occasionally I still have the odd cry.

One thing I will say is, you don't have to breakdown or bawl and cry for it to mean that you care about it, and I think perhaps the difference is that you expect to have to deal with the death of grandparents at some point but at your age you don't expect to have to deal with the death of someone you lived with. I dunno, I'm rambling a bit but I hope you get what I mean.

[Berlin]

Miss YC, you are too young for this. You should have had more joyous life before being hit with this.

Back in the early 2000's I had a very similar situation. I lost my Mother, Grandfather, uncle and cat (trivial, I know but it adds up) and also had my girlfriend leave without notice and fly back to Japan. All in 6 weeks.

I remember clearly shouting up at the sky "IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT"

and bizarrly, I don't have much advice for you. Everyone is different, we each grieve in a different way. All I will say it talk to someone about it. I didn't and I should have. I was a big roughy-toughy bloke who just bottled it up and it *must* come out eventually. I just wouldn't let it. I was working in Germany at the time and flew back three times for funerals.

And time is a great healer but it does leave the scars.

I hope 2011 turns out to be a really good year for you.

C

[andrewsmith]

MYC everyone deals with death in there own way.

The sad thing is I carry on with my day. I can't physically cope with grievance I just run away from it

[G]

For me recently I have had the canny ability to completely remove myself from emotion. Not necessarily in a good way though, as it can come across as being cold, but it's my way of dealing with things

I had some pretty stressful times in the past with uni, work, the death of close family and the death of family I really really wish I had been much closer too.

My sisters little boy died a couple of years ago, it was pretty horrific, and my grandad died last year which was similarly awful. The only time I got emotional is when I saw other people getting really upset, close family, like my dad. That's really quite upsetting :(

Since my sisters little boy died though I have had a completely different outlook on life. I try to enjoy myself and live for today, and I try not to dwell on things. It can come across as cold and selfish sometimes, and perhaps it is, but C'est la vie.

[missyburd]

Aww blimey, I'm sorry if this thread has ended up dragging up painful memories for you but I guess it helps to talk.

I understand this, removing from emotion thing, must be what I'm doing, suppose my brain just switches off and I carry on. I still don't feel 100% but I don't sit and mope, maybe I should.

I know we all deal with it differently, and thanks for taking the time to write what you've experienced, really appreciate it #hugs#

[Fruity-ya-ya]

I've had friends and loves ones pass away and reacted differently each time.
For some I cried buckets & others I've simply sat and quietly remembered the good times.

I sometimes find myself thinking about when my farther in law will die (this may sound odd but bare with me) as he is in & out of hospital very often re his lung transplant.
They gave him 5 years longer than 5 years ago.
Then I imediately think about the extra time we've had with him and how he's seen his daughter marry me, his beautiful Grandson (now 3) and who knows maybe he'll sick around long enough to see his son marry (or pigs fly).

I don't want this to sound like I'm on a constant downer, instead I'm trying to say my emotions run high both when feeling happy or sad and that my only advice is to focus on the happiness or the sadness can get a little too much sometimes.

[missyburd]

I sometimes find myself thinking about when my farther in law will die
I've found myself to be thinking about this a lot today strangely. Well about my mum not in law. Thing is, when she goes, it will be down to me to make most of the funeral arrangements. Sounds odd but I was trying to think of what songs she'd want playing, all sorts and then I thought hell, it's too much responsibility, I wouldn't know where to start! Hope its not for a long while yet :(

[Fruity-ya-ya]

Hope its not for a long while yet :(
+1 Lets hope x

[andrewsmith]

I understand this, removing from emotion thing, must be what I'm doing, suppose my brain just switches off and I carry on. I still don't feel 100% but I don't sit and mope, maybe I should.

Mentally I'm cold and I do block things out!
It takes a hell of a lot for me to acknowledge an event. Moping get no one, no where! My mother took a month from work after my grandmother died, but she forced herself back to work, it helped her as it meant she had more than one thing to focus upon.

[Ed]

A story of contrasts.

My father died in 1987. We weren't close and whilst I was upset at the time it didn't last long. I went back to work after a few days, the family was furious but I felt it was hypocritical to grieve someone I didn't love. The scars were simply too deep. It hits me every now and then but it's bitterness about the lost opportunities, a wasted life - not sadness that he is dead.

FIL died in 2001. Now he and I were very close, he was a lovely bloke. He died from complications of stomach cancer, and we watched him grow weaker and weaker until we watched him die in Treliske Hospital, Truro. I vividly remember the call to get to the hospital as quickly as possible, not easy as it's a 6 hour drive. But I am so thankful that we got there in time. I was very very upset because I loved him so much, probably because I hadn't loved my own dad. I think of him nearly every day, and we visit his grave often. I wish he was still here, a man of such love and wisdom, I miss him greatly.

But I have such happy memories that I can remember him with great fondness, and I think of the lovely times we used to walk along the seafront at Falmouth where he lived and just enjoy each other's company, or when we'd look in a toolshop together, or go and watch the cricket. I sometimes ask out loud, 'John, what would you do?' and I think of how he would always stay calm and never lose his temper - unlike me.

Maria, I'm so sorry that you have to endure all this pain. But the pain will fade and you will remember with happiness. Don't try to bottle it all up, you must let it out. Don't be embarrassed to cry, it's a perfectly natural and cathartic human reaction. Even in public. And talk about how you feel, don't hide it.

:grouphug::grouphug:

[ChrisSV]

I've been through the same thing twice this year, one my grandad died and second my best friend since birth was killed in a car accident. But stangley enough I reacted differently each time.
For my grandad, I didn't cry or break down in anyway for about a week, I just got on with my day and did my thing, but I did feel a bit off-it and run down. My only breakdown came at the funeral, when just after the service, I went and sat in the car and just cried and cried, and sweared and cursed, and hated the fact I hadn't seen him much in the past year. Yet after that I was fine, felt better, and was generally happy again, I do still get sad when I sit and think deeply, but it's more a missing him kinda sad than "grieving". I didn't talk to anyone about how I felt. And for me at the time it worked.
But when my best friend died, I was a wreck for a week or so, I couldn't even leave my room. I got worse by the day, until a friend, dragged me up, gave me a very hard slap, and told me to talk, it was hard at first, but gradually came, after an hour or so, I was just pouring it out.

Hmm, so yeah, for me talking helped massively in one instance, but not in the other. So...after a rather long post, I don't acctually have any advice, all I can say is do what makes you feel better, there's nothing wrong with anything you feel, if you feel better then that's all that counts.

OK I'll stop boring you now. HTH and I hope you soon feel better, sorry to hear of your loss

[BoltonSte]

Oh FFS!

I'd just spent ages typing a very poingent (however the hell you spell that word) reply with a smattering of humour and it's gone tits up.

Anyway maria, the Gist:

I was the same with my Grandad (but I'm a bit emotionally retarded or maladjusted) I haven't really grieved in the last 2 years...

There was a load of detail then and a bit of sobbing...

Through the reply I figured that in my case it's because I still talk about him in the present or near present therefore it's a case of the proverbial he's not really gone so in that case it's logical that I don't grieve...

There was then some more emotional bllx and me apologising for turning the post onto me a bit, how it's helped and now appreciating why folk post personal stuff on the web when I thought they were freaks beforehand...

Then me saying that it'll probably creep up on you when you least expect it, when you're tired or emotional and not to over analyse...

I think I finished with deciding I'd wussed myself up enough I should go get a Baileys or even a Babysham. I think it' Dave and the Woo Woo's that have damaged me (I've now discovered we have a reflex in town)

Ste

[missyburd]

Wow this is really helping, more than I thought it would. I'm really touched you guys are taking the time to post these words, thankyou so much.

I forgot to mention we lost Billy the labrador in August too, first experience of a close pet dying, I probably took that worse than the lot. Gah, don't think it ever gets easier...

[Bluefish]

Sorrry nothing to add, but don't worry about it, it happens to us all in the end, if they passed befor there time be glad for the good times, and think fondly of them, best wishes to you and your's, andy.

[anna]

Having lost so many family members and close friends over the years I can honestly say the best piece of advise that anyone has ever given me is this :

There is no wrong way to feel in grief.

You feel what you feel and it is neither right nor wrong.

I hope that in time you find peace and come to remember only the good times with all those that have passed on.

[B1k3R]

There is no script and each funeral and reaction is different. I had one period where quite a few in laws died in a short period. It did seem at the time I was always in the crem.

My nan died a couple of months ago. 94 so not a bad innings. she was in hospital for a few months before after a stroke but I didn't get to see her. She was very confused but I don't regret not seeing her there. I have so many memories and these are more important to me. My nan had lived in the same house for over 40 years and my mum lives there too (it is a very big house on 5 floors). I am popping down to London to see my mum on 19th for Christmas and it will be the first time that my nan will not be there. I am guessing that her self contained part of the house is now empty. Not looking forward to it.

Just grieve in your own way and don't feel guilty if your grief is different to others, none is wrong.

[Bri w]

Maria, I can't better what Anna as posted but would add live how those who have gone would want you to live, i.e. be the you that they knew and loved.

[Dicky Ticker]

Maria,All I can add is that as you get older and realise that you yourself are working your way up the ladder it does not become any easier.Please don't dwell on it,yes the departed would probably like you to think of them once in a while,but they would probably much rather you led a rich and full life, so live for the moment and just occassionally have a quiet thought to yourself.
I am one of the elder members on here and I wouldn't like to think that my going made anybody unhappy[Some may even cheer:)] but you start dying from the minute you are born and it is what you do with the time in between that matters so live life like there may be no tomorrow.I console myself with the thought that my dad is still here[84],his dad was 97 and my aunt 104 so I hope I still have a few decades left to tick a couple of the "To do's" of my list.
Life is for living,not grieving, no matter how old or young you are.

[fenjer]

First of all *hugs*

2009 was the hardest year I've had in a long time. My grandad passed away quite suddenly on the 3rd of January. What made it harder was I'd been told he was in hospital, and asked if I was going to see him, I wanted to go and see him, but my partner at the time wanted to go and buy a new bike jacket and we went to do that instead. I never saw my grandad before he passed away. I remember waking up in the morning to a phone call saying he'd gone, and I just crumbled into a heap. My partner at the time didnt like big shows of emotion, so I had to "suck it up" and hold it together. I remember a week later arguing with him because he wouldnt get ready to go to the funeral on time, we left our house 25miles away at the time we were supposed to be arriving at my grandads house to get into the funeral car. I was raging with him. I took a great deal of comfort in the fact that my grandads funeral was so well attended, it was standing room only. Due to my partner at the time I did a lot of grieving in private when he was out. I'd look at old pictures of me and my grandad, and I'd sit and sob, but also I'd think of the happy times and remember him with a smile. There are songs I can play to remind me of him. As others have said there's no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone is different. Sometimes feeling like you aren't really grieving is your way of doing it.

In June 2009 my partner left me - and in a strange way I grieved for the relationship too. I cried, and got angry and then got productive, as if moving on and "doing stuff" was the only way to "get over it".

In September 2009 my black lab had to be put to sleep and that was horrific and heartbreaking. I still cry for her.

Perhaps I'm an overly emotional person - i'll cry at anything from coronation street to disney films to injustice in the world. I do think crying sometimes helps. Even if you need to get drunk to do it, or angry, or just sit quietly on your own and remember.

Nothing is wrong when it comes to grief, sadness and loss.

[Specialone]

Having lost both parents, my direct boss at my old job who was only 38 and fit and well who just had a fatal heart attack one day at work.

Anyway Maria, my way I have found to handle grief is to still talk about the people I've lost as though they are still around in a way.

Some people don't talk about loved ones once passed, but it really does help, I still take the p1ss out my mom who died in 2002, she done or said some funny stuff which we remember and laugh about.

On a more positive note, my dad died in 1978, I found out on Thursday that he used to ride bikes, never heard that mentioned before but my sis was talking to my cousin who used to be really close to my dad and he told her, he's 70 now himself:smt103

Sorry for all your losses you've had and I hope there is a long time before you get any more as already been said, your too young to be having this much grief to deal with.

[Owenski]

I understand this, removing from emotion thing, must be what I'm doing, suppose my brain just switches off and I carry on. I still don't feel 100% but I don't sit and mope, maybe I should.

Switching off from it is what worries me, Im aware I dont "feel" like others do I get angry and I get laughy thats about it. Anything in between is just numbness, I think thats mainly my parents fault thier outlook of "emotion is exposing your weakness and people will exploite you for showing it"
Its caused hurt for those im close to that I seem quite cold at some of the major times when they've needed to see me hurting to find comfort themselves, so all I'd say is sort of what Anna says, dont be afraid to feel what you're feeling and dont be afraid to show it either. Know that you're never doing it wrong you're just doing it your way, the first instance may have hurt you the most as you didnt know really what to expect. Now you're aware of the pain you'll feel so you no longer fear it, you just handle it.
It may have only been whilst watching the birds but you may have felt more pain for your grandad in that few minutes than you did throughout your other grevences. The difference been you now feel the sadness for the loss rather than the pain of losing them.


I forgot to mention we lost Billy the labrador in August too, first experience of a close pet dying, I probably took that worse than the lot. Gah, don't think it ever gets easier...

Chris got my sympthys when he told me about yorkshires worst guard dog passing away, still makes me chuckle to think that despite how big he was that I'd walked past him without noticing then when I did spot him he just opened his eyes and clearly couldnt care less that this random intruder was in the house.
Miya's only 2 and as morbid as it is it hurts me to my core to think that we've only about a decade with her still, I bloody love my dog - im sure people think its a bit nutty but its a relationship as close to father and child as you can get with out having to change nappies and the thought of losing her has taught me one thing. To enjoy having her here.

[missyburd]

In June 2009 my partner left me



Sorry Jen but sounds to me like that was a long time coming, clearly can't have had much respect for you! Not that I'm being insensitive, I know we can't choose who we love but you sound to have had someone who clearly didn't deserve you.

#reciprocated hugs# :)


Chris got my sympthys when he told me about yorkshires worst guard dog passing away, still makes me chuckle to think that despite how big he was that I'd walked past him without noticing then when I did spot him he just opened his eyes and clearly couldnt care less that this random intruder was in the house.
Miya's only 2 and as morbid as it is it hurts me to my core to think that we've only about a decade with her still, I bloody love my dog - im sure people think its a bit nutty but its a relationship as close to father and child as you can get with out having to change nappies and the thought of losing her has taught me one thing. To enjoy having her here.

Very true. And yeah, Billy was a bit of a useless guard dog but we wouldn't have had him any other way :D

[Milky Bar Kid]

I agree that dogs become like children. We have always had dogs and I love them to bits and I am always, always devestated when anything happens to any of them.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today Maria xx

[missyburd]

Hope you are feeling a bit better today Maria xx

I am, unfortunately I have Grandad's funeral tomorrow so I'll be a tad melancholy for the next couple of days again :rolleyes:


Thanks for all the well wishes folks, you're a lovely bunch :grouphug:

[Speedy Claire]

Sorry you`ve had to go thru so much hun, what an awful time for you. As others have said there`s no right and no wrong way to deal with grief and each individual will deal with it differently. Obv the amount of grief you feel will to some extent be determined by the relationship you had with the deceased and whilst there`s no right or wrong way to grieve everybody who loses someone will go thru whats called the grieving process. This process consists of 5 stages that we will all go thru before reaching the final stage of acceptance.

The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, guilt/depression and acceptance. The theory is that we will all experience these stages of grief but there`s no set time limit for dealing with each stage and there`s also no set criteria for the order in which you encounter each stage. It`s also possible to back track thru the stages you`ve already gone thru but people do finally reach the stage of acceptance (hope that all makes sense)

If you want to read into it more here`s a link http://www.businessballs.com/elisabeth_kubler_ross_five_stages_of_grief.htm

and also if you feel like a chat just pm me and i`ll give you a call. Sometimes all we need is for somebody to acknowledge that what we`re feeling is normal x

[Speedy Claire]

Another quite good link http://grief.com/questions-answers/on-grief-grieving/

[yorkie_chris]

I forgot to mention we lost Billy the labrador in August too, first experience of a close pet dying, I probably took that worse than the lot. Gah, don't think it ever gets easier...

Burying my Dog was harder than burying my Grandparents. We were close and they were dearly loved too.

The Dog was there for every other death to come and lean on your knee and look up at you and soak up the tears. Brought all those back more than anything.

Funnily enough it still gets me every time I've been for a pint and I step into the hallway and think to myself "don't trip over the Do... oh yeah :(".

[dizzyblonde]

I've not been very there this weekend, but I am thinking of you. Oliver etc
You know where my tea is, and theres always a biscuit or three :) xx

Death ain't the easiest thing to talk about in this world, but theres two people here, that understand quite well.

One thing that I see in Pete is his inner strength, its not every day you lose your dad then have to get married the day after. Sad things are always replaced by things of joy. Until Oliver came along he was the only one left. Maybe I'm just waffling, but you know where we are.

[Quedos]

Thinking of you today Maria and sending you loads of good vibes and Q hugs (been told they're good)

Like everyone says there is no wrong or right way. I was in Wales on holiday when my mum died. I cried a bit but two hours later I was whizzing around in a hovercaft covered in mud.
I didn't really cry before the funeral though I couldn't listen to the last song and ended up scotting out before the service was finished. The main time i did cry was at the recieving mass from my friends dads funeral ( which was to be on the same day as my mum's and both if us were gutted). Tracey's dad's flowers were being brought in and that brought it home to me why we were all there.
Just don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or when to grieve. - At my mum's funeral we all got glowered at because there was so much laughing and joking going on - which was how my mum would have wante dit.

[-Ralph-]

There's no right way or wrong way to react to it

+1

Grief can take many forms, sadness, loneliness, questioning, anger, devastation, and any mix of the above ten minutes apart.

You are surrounded by generations of people, and your grandparents and great aunts and uncles are the same age, your parents, aunts, uncles and parents friends are all the same age, then there's your generation where you your brothers, sisters, and friends are a similar age. This means you will go though a few periods in your life where you seem to lose lots of people at the same time. Throw in a few people going before their time into the mix and you are where you are now. I went through a period where I had a regular nightmare where somebody had a pencil portrait of my family and a rubber, and they were going through it rubbing people out one at a time.

When you are young and experiencing the first few deaths of people close to you it hits you very hard, as you get through the third or fourth death you become more accustomed to it, (death is the only inevitability in life) and you learn how to cope with it a bit better. That may be why you feel you are not as upset as you should be about your Grandad.

Old people can also be easier to deal with than somebody who went before their time. My Grandmother died last year, and we were very close, but she was in a lot of pain, a had gone into a geriatric ward and told she was never going home. She died in her chair two days later, she had decided it was time to die. I knew that and know that she is no longer suffering. That makes it easier to celebrate her life and less difficult to grieve her death. Older people you have prepared yourself that it is going to happen before too long.


For me recently I have had the canny ability to completely remove myself from emotion. Not necessarily in a good way though, as it can come across as being cold, but it's my way of dealing with things

But beware G this can come back and hit you like a train.

I didn't deal with my father's death properly, and I had watched him die in intensive care, sudden and rather dramatic (lots of blood, lots of tubes, lots of machines, lots of computer screens, etc). I slept on a chair besides his bed for three days and was there when he died.

He was 52 and went from no apparent health issue to dead in the space of two weeks, as the result of misdiagnosis then a resulting operation which he didn't actually need, going wrong.

I kept myself busy and stayed with my best friend or my sister most of the time, I only spent a few nights a week in my own flat and did a lot of miles as I was living in Stevenage, my friend in Hemel Hempstead and my Sister in Uxbridge. I was doing surprisingly OK.

One night in my flat I was lying in bed watching the film Backdraft on TV. At the end of the film somebody dies in the back of an ambulance while hooked up to a heart rate monitor. When I heard that beep I was instantly transported back into the intensive care unit standing next to my fathers bed and watching his heart rate monitor flat-line. I knew I was in my room, I could feel the bed and pillows around me and I found the remote control and pressed buttons to try and stop the beep, but I was completely blind to the room around me, all I could see was the intensive care unit. I shouted for help to my flat-mate and he came through switched off the TV and shook me back to reality. He realised what had happened 'cos he was a war veteran and the same kind of episode had happened to him and some of his friends, so I slept that night on his bedroom floor. My world fell apart and I couldn't function, couldn't get dressed, couldn't go to work. Within a week or so I was sat in front of a shrink hearing "post traumatic stress disorder".

That was six months after his death. Whatever you do with grief, DON'T run away from it, you have to face what has happened.

[Speedy Claire]

For those that think they can block out the emotion of grief this is not a good thing and you will NEVER be able to do it forever. It will catch up with you at some point and it may not be in the way you think it will be.

You need to grieve for that loss and the 5 stages I mentioned are a really important factor in that grief. Those stages of grieving apply to any loss... whether it be a death, loss of a limb or the ending of a relationship with sombody who meant a lot to you. Whilst I say there`s no right or wrong way to grieve the grieving does have to be done and if not it can cause problems later on in life and could manifest in many ways ie. an inability to commit to a long term relationship.

Acceptance of the loss has to be reached before we can go on to lead a healthy and emotionally balanced life.

[-Ralph-]

Particularly true with young men BTW. You may want to keep your head high, your teeth gritted and your eye's dry during the public event that is the funeral, but just because you manage it on the worst day, you shouldn't then decide that you are strong enough to manage it every day.

[gruntygiggles]

Ah Maria, you poor thing. Some people on here know my family history and while I see no need to go into it here, it does mean that there are a few things that I would like to pass on.

Firstly, listen to what Anna and Speedy Claire have said. Firstly, we all have to find our own way through grief and what is right for one may not be right for another, so don't allow anyone to question or judge the way you are coping...so long as you are indeed coping and not just brushing under the carpet.

Secondly, as Claire has said, you have to go through the 5 stages of grief. You don't have to do it now, you don't have to do it in any kind of order necessarily, but you do need to go through it.

Now onto the point in your OP about the way you have felt about your grandfather passing. I hope that you do ok at the funeral today and have plenty of support there, but don't be surprised or feel bad about yourself if you're feeling you're not as upset as you'd expect to be or think you should be.
You've had to take on a number of losses in a very short space of time and when you're in a situation like that, as I and my family have been numerous times...you are not afforded the time to process one loss before you are being asked to process another. Make that into four losses in as many months and one of two things will happen. You'll either break down, unable to cope or you'll go into autodrive and it's like something happens in your mind that works like a valve...only allowing you to feel a certain amount of emotion at any one time in order to allow you to carry on your daily life. It's this coping mechanism that allows people to carry on in times of great tragedy and it is massively helpful, but it is VERY important that you remember that this is just a temporary coping mechanism. At a time that is right for you, you need to still go through those 5 stages of grief for each person. For one it may be a very quick process. For another, it may take much more time. It's almost 14 years since my uncle killed himself and it took me and the rest of the family years to accept that. Then, when his daughter died five years ago aged 16, it not only hit us with losing another such young little girl in the family, but also, it brought us all right back to square 1 dealing with Martyns death again, because all we could do was feel anger and direct blame at him for damaging that family unit and setting into motion a chain of events which lead to Ellen dying. It's been five years and I don't think any of us have come out the other side of it all again yet.

There are no rules, there are no time scales or limits and there should be no expectations put on you by yourself or anyone else.

Keep talking to people you feel comfortable talking to. Follow the links Claire has shared and take the support that you're being given. Remember the good times, remember the bad times, remember to keep those people alive in your heart by still talking about them and laughing about them and above all...remember to look after yourself and grieve in your own way.

I still have not visited the grave of my cousin and best friend that died hen we were 14 and her loss has been and still is the most difficult to accept, I've not had the chance as we've had such a succession of deaths in the family all these years since, but I know I have to deal with it one day and I will. But I will do it when I am ready.

Do it Maria, but do it your way.

Many hugs and when you get down here, my shoulder and ears can be all yours...or we can just watch birds, walk dogs and forget everything else...whatever you want! xxx

[Bibio]

a good cry + time and knowing that it comes to us all at some point.

[-Ralph-]

Stuff

Good post GG. I couldn't have explained that.

[sloppy joe]

There are no rules, there are no time scales or limits and there should be no expectations put on you by yourself or anyone else.


The best piece of advice I have seen written about the subject, bar none.

My mom died 6 years ago, after me and my step dad gave CPR for 1/2 hour til ambulance arrived, then watched them for another 40 minutes before it was obvious that it was the end. I still can't remember my mom without thinking of that night, and there is so much I want to remember but I get stuck on that horrible unexpected evening. Aside from all you guys just now, I have never spoken about the actual night, it is just an awful thing that me and my step dad went through.

Until I get over that night, I won't deal with the rest properly, and I know that. But I also know that at some point I will talk about it properly, and start to sort things out in my head. The pain of someone's death does not get easier, just slightly duller. Maybe posting this will start me to be able to talk about what happened, so perhaps something good will come from this rather morbid thread.

Anyway, it is hard, and emotions can catch you unawares and at unexpected times. Talk if it helps, spend time alone if that helps, but it's your grief and you will deal with it in your way. Take care.

[gruntygiggles]

The best piece of advice I have seen written about the subject, bar none.

My mom died 6 years ago, after me and my step dad gave CPR for 1/2 hour til ambulance arrived, then watched them for another 40 minutes before it was obvious that it was the end. I still can't remember my mom without thinking of that night, and there is so much I want to remember but I get stuck on that horrible unexpected evening. Aside from all you guys just now, I have never spoken about the actual night, it is just an awful thing that me and my step dad went through.

Until I get over that night, I won't deal with the rest properly, and I know that. But I also know that at some point I will talk about it properly, and start to sort things out in my head. The pain of someone's death does not get easier, just slightly duller. Maybe posting this will start me to be able to talk about what happened, so perhaps something good will come from this rather morbid thread.

Anyway, it is hard, and emotions can catch you unawares and at unexpected times. Talk if it helps, spend time alone if that helps, but it's your grief and you will deal with it in your way. Take care.

I think you need to seperate what happened that awful night from the grief and remembering your mum. Going through something like that is traumatic at least and you have to deal with that trauma on its own. I think it opens a whole other set of feelings that need to be worked through. I'm sure if Speedy Claire reads through this, she'll be better help to you in this regard than me.

Some of the best friends Dan and I have had their then 5 week old baby boy arrest 6 minutes after getting to the BRI two years ago. He was seen by triage, his heart rate was 306 and as the nurse went to get his temperature, he arrested. He arrested for a total of 2 hours, sometimes being brought back, only to arrest again. The consultant actually started calling time of death, but Becci fell to her knees, grabbed at the consultant and pretty much screamed at her not to give up. 25 minutes of manual compressions later, he returned to a more normal rythm. He was a long time in PICU, but has come through it all, despite needing daily meds possibly for life, but it left Becci and her mum, who witnessed it in a terrible state, long after it happened. In the end, they were both sent for counselling to deal with the trauma of the event, despite the happy ending.

Joe, I cannot imagine how awful it must be for you to remember that. I have a few memories of some of my loved ones passing, some peaceful, some horrific, but I think you're absolutely right to deal with it in your own way at your own pace. You can bet your dad will be struggling too, so maybe if you feel ready one day, ask him if he wants to talk about it and it may help you both, but again, if it won't, don't.

Maria, I really hope you're ok after the funeral today. xxx

[missyburd]

Hi everyone, thanks for the posts. Some really tearjerker stories you're all hiding, this is not a thread to be read by the light hearted...

Funeral today was my first experience of a cremation. Didn't like it. Think you either agree with them or not but I personally would rather witness a body being burnt on a pyre than waiting to be incinerated. Probably insensitive, I don't mean to be, just it didn't feel right. To me. Anyway. Been for a late night walk to clear my head. Glad this day is over. x