could you care for a parent?

[timwilky]

I believe my mother belongs in a care home. My brother now has her living in his. She is blind incontinent and incapable of walking unaided. Tight sod does want her money going in care.

He is giving me grief. Why is it him stuck with her. His wife will not have anything to do with her. We have her the occassional weekend.My wife is briliant (Nurse, but so is the sister in law) but says it is unfair having to get up to my mother every hour.

She understands I cannot do the personal care thing. But says I have to learn how.

It was bad enough having to lift her out of the bath. But when it gets messy no way.

My brother is giving me earache he has to do it. I have 3 other brothers and a sister who have disappeared. He is now blackmailing saying he and his wife are splitting due to my mother. He will not put her in a care home. My wife is saying my mother is unfair as you dont have kids expecting them to look after you etc.

Should I grow a pair and stand upto my brother or should I grow a pair and help look after my mother?

[savage86]

This is always such a hard one to deal with, everyone will have their own thoughts but at the end of the day put yourself in your mothers shoes what would you like/hope will happen to you in the elder years of your life. I don't think there is a perfect solution, someone will lose out. Whats best for you and your mother?
Maybe some sort of share agreement?

[fizzwheel]

I could not care for my parents when they can no longer look after themselves.

I had this conversation with both my parents a little while ago. They do not expect me to care for them when they can no longer look after themselves and I have been told by them that they are OK with them going into a nursing home as neither of them want to be a burden.

The question I think I would be asking is what is best for your mum, as if she is not getting the care she needs at your brothers then she should be going somewhere that she does. We should IMHO all be allowed to grow old with dignity...

[Spank86]

No way, no how.

Couldn't do it.

[Fruity-ya-ya]

If it's just a cost thing that's one thing but if he is concerned about her not being looked after properly i can see how he might prefer the thought of you both taking on the challenge.

From the info you've posted I'd say it's too big a job to not to consider putting her into care.

Fyi, when me and my brother were young, my Mum had to put my Nan into care when she got violent (mind was going not just her body) and although it broke her heart it was the right decision.
It was hard when she came to live with us and soon became obvious that she needed round the clock care that my parents simply couldn't give.

I think trying to convince your brother of the benefits of professional care is perhaps the best option.

[Elliott]

It's unfair on the person who has the pressure put onto them. I'm guessing she has sizeable assets or money in the bank? If so tell your brother to stop being so bloody selfish and get her put into a care home where she belongs and where she will receive the proper care.

What your brother is doing is awful no matter how good he thinks hes being.

Set him straight it'll improve both there lives.


Sent from my SV650s using Tapatalk

[barwel1992]

if i have got the right end of the stick and your mum wont pay for care

then i think you should grow a pair and tell your mother straight that she is damaging your families relation ship and she needs to go in a home for the sake of her family and stop been so selfish, thats what i'd tell my parents and they know it and they think thats good

if its your brother that dosn't want to put her in care then tell him its his choice but you wont have any thing to do with the care side of things

as i said its not clear if its him or her that wont pay for care

[timwilky]

her assets are probably about 200 grand. but it is disappering quick.
She is giving him £150/week to live at his home and another 200 is going on a carer.

TBH I would rather she quickly hit the thresholds and the state paid. But her one month on respite was hell. My wife and eldest daughter after 2 weeks went into the home to give her a bath. dinner was a jam butty etc. the care system stinks and I wouldn't want the ones i love in it. But would my mother be better in it if we could find a good one.

[Fallout]

No way anybody here can give you the right answer. All I would say is take a step back and think as logically as you can.

- How long is she going to live?
- How much do you value your relationship with your brother?
- How difficult do you think it'd be on you and your Mrs to look after her?
- Will her assets + other finances cover a home?

I think the right answer for me would be a home. Signing up for many years of struggle to care for her would be worse than falling out permanently with my siblings and parents, but that's the sort of person I am. So my personal opinion is grow some and tell your brother to either lump it or release her assets and put her into care. You can obviously go and visit her all the time to still be the loving son without crippling your own life.

[Bluefish]

Find a decent home for her tim, there must be some about, she needs full time care, or at least someone to be there full time.

[Sid Squid]

I have done, twice. My mother and then later my Grandmother. It's hard, very hard, but as long as I could, I would, not making a comment on your situation Tim, impossibly difficult decision - there is no right answer.

[BanannaMan]

Have recently been through this several family members and seen the pros and cons both ways.
IMHO when they can no longer walk they need to be in some type of assisted living.

And family members trying to care for them just makes everyone suffer.
Even if you've a mind too there's no way you can give this person the level of care they need unless you hire a nurse to come in and take care of them 24/7.

It IS a hard decission to make but all of you, especially your mother, will be better off.
The homes they have today are nothing like the horrific places some of us older orgers may remember visiting as a child.
My mother (who died earlier this year) liked being in a home because there were others her age to socialise with.

Tim, your family may hate you now but push for her being in a home.
And when you find her a nice one and she gets settled in for a couple of weeks, they will all come and thank you.








tell your brother to stop being so bloody selfish and get her put into a care home where she belongs and where she will receive the proper care.

What your brother is doing is awful no matter how good he thinks hes being.

Set him straight it'll improve both there lives.




This.

[Specialone]

Tim, I can't give any advice tbh, it must be hard for your family.


One other chain of thought, could you buy a small bungalow/ flat/ sheltered housing flat then use the remaining money to pay for a carer to come in?

Nursing homes are notoriously expensive and the pot will soon be depleted, thing that annoys me the most is, she generally won't get any better care by paying than a person who hasn't got a pot to pee in, you're better off spending it on something now than let the state have it.
Once the money has run out on a full time carer, the state would have to continue the care surely?

[454697819]

Tim,

There is nothing wrong with not being able to care for a parent, I can understand to a degree where your brother is coming from but he needs to realise what is best for her and the familly.

I have no problem with people going into care if that is what is best, find as good one, check it out, speak with CSCI, etc etc.

Stand up to your brother..

quick question, who has power of eterny? (sp)

[600+]

My family has been through similar with my grandmother after grandad passed away.

Apart from the psychological impact to the people caring for this individual, it is also clear that a care home would offer more specialised treatment.

My grandma has gone back to her own house with 2 full time carers!! She pays for it and my mum and aunt pay for the rest.

Afterall she is their mother!!!!......but I'm Greek....different family setups

[Bibio]

has your mum appointed lasting power of attorney to anyone in the family?

once this has been done then the appointed can hide the money somewhere else then arrange for your mum to be put into a care home. ok so your mum will end up in a state home but will still have access to funds to make her life more comfortable.

if you don't hide the cash everything will be taken once your mum goes into care private or public.

this happened to my gran and they sold her house from under my dad and uncle at a stupid price.

BE CAREFUL.

[Bri w]

Tim,

We always said we would look after any of our parents if they became too infirm for them to look after themselves. Unfortunately a good principle can't beat common sense and quality care. After struggling on with supporting the mum-in-law in her own home for 4 years with the aid of carers, neighbours and siblings the time has come to put her under the patio...

Truthfully, she will be going into a care home in the New Year. She is a huge handful, aggressive, dirty, incontinent, Alzeimers and a danger to herself and those around her... how she hasn't blew up the street yet with her oxygen cylinders and naked flames is beyond me.

As Bib says, a Lasting Power of Attorney is a must for all sorts of reasons. Where the money goes, especially with your brother charging her, is a real nightmare BUT its her care and welfare that is paramount, not who gets the money.

Taking someone in under those circumstances means that everyone suffers. Being a 24/7 carer will almost certainly drive you to the brink of ill health, and may well be behind why your brother is behaving the way he is.

There are good homes out there. Do the rounds, especially at meal times. And yes they are expensive but if that is what you want then that is what you have to pay for.

Good luck

[Ceri JC]

I had an unfortunate "preview" of this when my wife died. In the last couple of weeks, she was helpless and it was utterly exhausting and heartbreaking to have to bathe her, take her to the toilet, clean her, etc. There were three of us taking turns looking after her. One positive thing that came out of it was that it sparked a conversation with my own parents about what we'd do with them, if/when the time comes. They have both made it clear that I'm to put them in a home when necessary and not to feel guilty about it. I'll hold them to that and won't feel guilty about it.

Some people might be able to cope with doing this sort of full time, intensive caring. I'm not ashamed to say I now know I can't: We're all different, not all nurses can jump a 200KG motorcycle and hack a computer. It seems stupid and counter productive for me to jack in work to care for them when (if I worked) I could pay for a professional who could do it vastly better than me and I could visit them and enjoy, rather than resent my time with them. If my circumstances change and I can't afford to pay for the care, oh well, that's what their money will have to be for.

[ClunkintheUK]

Taking someone in under those circumstances means that everyone suffers. Being a 24/7 carer will almost certainly drive you to the brink of ill health, and may well be behind why your brother is behaving the way he is.

+1.

I have also seen a preview of this. It is not a good situation. I am also of the opinion that no matter how strong your relationship with siblings and spouses to begin with, and no matter who does the actual caring, the relationships will suffer. (not saying irreprably but they will be worse for a bit at the very least.)

[Jayneflakes]

I work in care and it takes a team of six people to be able to offer the care needed by our clients and their needs. My clients have 24 hour care, there is no way that one family could do that, so care is the only option. I feel for you Tim, the pressure you must feel is horrible, but do the right thing by you and your wife.

There are good care homes out there. I am so sorry that you are facing this, have you talked to social services at all? Good luck and try not to feel bad about what ever decision you make.

[SV-net]

A very interesting thread, I agree there is no correct answer. You are faced with a very difficult and stressful situation.

One thing that is apparent from reading the replies is it appears that most people have not discussed such scenarios with their parents. I know I have and it is universally agreed that we should not care for them, that they should be cared for by other means. In a home if required. There is no money, no property to worry about so no added stress about that. And I for sure am uable to pay, so will be state funded somehow.

Maybe we should all grow some and discuss these things amongst our families. If everybody is aware of what the elders actually want then it will help with the decision if ever it needs to be made.

I wish you, your mother and the rest of your family a happy christmas and really hope you manage to work this out whatever you decide.

[timwilky]

I talked with mum last night, she was under the impression that she had changed things and that I should also have power of attourney as well as my brother. It may be that I have not recieved notification from her solicitor so I need to chase that up.

Her biggest asset is her appartment in a retirement complex. The issue there is there are currently 20 brand new appartments currently for sale in the complex. So it is a limited market to sell into. You have to be over 55 and want to live in a pokey one bedroom appartment. We have let it on a 1 year lease in order to generate a little income as there was a huge service charge associated with the place that had to be paid despite it being empty.

She spent last night here. Only up 3 times. A big improvement on last time when it was at least 8, and the wife/daughter are about to take her out to see her sister who she hasn't seen for about 6 years. Fun will be tonight when they try to get her in a bath.

[shonadoll]

has your mum appointed lasting power of attorney to anyone in the family?

once this has been done then the appointed can hide the money somewhere else then arrange for your mum to be put into a care home. ok so your mum will end up in a state home but will still have access to funds to make her life more comfortable.

if you don't hide the cash everything will be taken once your mum goes into care private or public.

this happened to my gran and they sold her house from under my dad and uncle at a stupid price.

BE CAREFUL.

There's a time limit on tranferring assets. It's dodgy.

[shonadoll]

I looked after my mother when she was dying but that wasn't long term. It's an awful decision to make but there are good care set-ups out there. It annoys me that everything you work for reverts back to the state like that, my MIL has already transferred her capital five years ago- IIRC the limit is 7 years, and then it's not included.

Of course in this country you're better off not working and then having nothing left and then the state pay. Thing is you really need someone full time which is expensive but you could also go out with the government care schemes which would be cheaper, if you could find a cater you could trust.

[flymo]

I would not want my children lumbered with caring for my every need, I would however expect them to do what they can to make sure I am looked after well, be it keeping a watchful eye on the quality of my care, making sure I'm not being ripped of etc.

If your brother insists on keeping her out of professional care then tell him he has to accept that there are consequences of that choice. But he should not be forcing that choice onto you in my opinion.

[andrewsmith]

I talked with mum last night, she was under the impression that she had changed things and that I should also have power of attourney as well as my brother. It may be that I have not recieved notification from her solicitor so I need to chase that up.

Her biggest asset is her appartment in a retirement complex. The issue there is there are currently 20 brand new appartments currently for sale in the complex. So it is a limited market to sell into. You have to be over 55 and want to live in a pokey one bedroom appartment. We have let it on a 1 year lease in order to generate a little income as there was a huge service charge associated with the place that had to be paid despite it being empty.

She spent last night here. Only up 3 times. A big improvement on last time when it was at least 8, and the wife/daughter are about to take her out to see her sister who she hasn't seen for about 6 years. Fun will be tonight when they try to get her in a bath.

Can't really offer much into this, most has been said.
Tim get power of attorney checked, my Old man and Aunt had to get power of over a late great aunts estate (Grandmothers got Alzimers and is progressively getting worse).

But sounds like she needs a home with full time care. Also not all homes are the same, the restbite my Gran ended up in was very good and was a state run

[Thunderace]

My mother has a plaque hanging in her living room that says "the best revenge in life, is to live long enough to be a problem for your children".