OMO: Write me a resignation letter

[Matt-EUC]

So the time has come for me to leave the parking attendant business and I thought it would be fun for the .Org to write my letter of resignation for me.

Any and all silly and ridiculous suggestions will be considered, the sillier the better. Obviously subtle silliness will take priority but for the most part, all suggestions are viable options.


On your marks, get set, GOO!!!!!

[Scoobs]

Oi Guv. F you. I'm out of this stinkin' hell hole. Laterz bruv.

[TamSV]

IMPORTANT: DO NOT IGNORE THIS LETTER

Dear Sirs,

By opening and reading this letter, you have agreed to abide by its contents.

I wish to resign from my position on XXXXX. My decision has important implications for your organisation.

Do not ignore this letter as failure to settle will lead to further action.

You should, without delay, organise a whip-round in the office and arrange a leaving do at the venue of my choice.

Please see below for details and alternative methods of payment.

Yours faithfully,

Matt-EUC

[L3nny]

Just put a turd in an envelope

[TamSV]

Just put a turd in an envelope

and leave it under the bosses windscreen wiper. :D

[andrewsmith]

and leave it under the bosses windscreen wiper. :D

No unwrapped on the wiper!!

[Red Herring]

We'll print off all the best ones, put them in a hat and get Matt to draw one out and sign it at TOGMIE in a couple of weeks....

[Matt-EUC]

We'll print off all the best ones, put them in a hat and get Matt to draw one out and sign it at TOGMIE in a couple of weeks....


This seems the best course of action.




Sent via the medium of interpretive dance.

[jambo]

Dear Sir/Madam,
It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you of my decision to leave this organisation, and am therefore handing in my notice.

I've wrestled with this decision for some time but having consulted with a number of trusted advisers, I've been convinced it's time to move on.
My friend Mr Cow discussed at length the position I was in and how it related to his captivity. He knowingly suggested he had often pined for the fields of the farm across the road, as its grass picked up a more vibrant shade of green than his appeared to. As he was lead off to slaughter he seemed to regret not having tried to vault the fence at least once.
A former colleague Mr Cockerel had long debated the merits of remaining this side of the lane as opposed to making a bid for the other side. Whenever he brought this up with the local children, however, the recited endless surrealist interpretations of what might happen if he made the journey so he never committed.

Now that all my most trusted advisors have been lead to slaughter I feel uncomfortable simply waiting my turn to join them.

I've been offered a job in a local abattoir, seems there's a fair bit of work on there and I've got connections to the place now anyway.

Matt

[Matt-EUC]

My first draft reads a lot like Scoobs suggestion.


Sent via the medium of interpretive dance.

[Red Herring]

I guess it all rather depends on where you are going, and if you need a reference....
All the p taking aside it's generally a good idea to keep as many options open for as long as you can.

[Matt-EUC]

Current draft looks like this:

Please consider this my notice.

I hereby tender my resignation from the position of Multi-site Patrol Officer for Euro Carparks ltd effective as at today.

My last day of employment will be the 14th September 2014.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you, [boss], for all the help you have given me throughout my employment. Working for ECP has certainly been an experience and I feel that I have benefited from it greatly.

Sincerely,
--
Matt.

[andrewsmith]

Dear Sir/ Madam:

I am writing to formally notify you of my resignation from my position at XXXXX. I am becoming self employed to enjoy livestock, and peruse a film career at the same time.

Currently, I spend several hours a day watching illegal pornography inside and outside of work. My last day of employment with XXXXX will be XXXXX.

My time at XXXX has been some of the best years of my life. I will miss my job and the incredible people I have had the pleasure of working with throughout the years. But I will much prefer my new career, enjoying Cattle.

I appreciate your support and understanding, and I wish you all the very best. Please let me know if I can be of any assistance during the last few weeks of my time here.

Sincerely,

[Matt-EUC]

Shear brilliance.


Sent via the medium of interpretive dance.

[Wideboy]

Current draft looks like this:

Please consider this my notice.

I hereby tender my resignation from the position of Multi-site Patrol Officer for Euro Carparks ltd effective as at today.

My last day of employment will be the 14th September 2014.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you, [boss], for all the help you have given me throughout my employment. Working for ECP has certainly been an experience and I feel that I have benefited from it greatly.

Sincerely,
--
Matt.

p.s. I am ghey

[Matt-EUC]

Please consider this my notice.

I hereby tender my resignation from the position of Multi-site Patrol Officer for Euro Carparks ltd effective as at today.

My last day of employment will be the 14th September 2014.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you, [boss], for all the help you have given me throughout my employment. Working for ECP has certainly been an experience and I feel that I have benefited from it greatly.

Sincerely,
--
Matt.



P.s. I am ghey.


Sent via the medium of interpretive dance.

[SvNewbie]

p.s. I am ghey

I knew it! All that bravado and talk of rape, dead give away.

[Wideboy]

What on earth are you talking about?!

[Jayneflakes]

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you to to inform you in writing that I am writing to you in writing to inform you of my resignation.

In this letter I would like to thank you for the advice and training I received, however because the people training me were themselves only as good as an averagely well trained performing monkey, I am unable to do so.

While working with your organisation I was able to learn a great deal about myself, namely how much I dislike working with yourselves. One of the other things I have learned is that although I am what one would modestly call averagely well educated, I believe that the majority of your employees are so educationally subnormal as to the point of barely being able to pass a rectal exam.

As you may know, I am moving on to a new position in a whole new area of business. Rather than patrolling the car parks of the nation, I will instead be pulling on my high heels and applying a lot of make up to perform each weekend as Miss Bendy the singing masseuse, offering wonderful relief to stressed gentlemen of high breeding.

I would like to thank you for the opportunity to of working with yourselves, but again I am unable to do so due to the fact that I found the work to be humiliating, degrading and insulting to my intelligence.

Yours sincerely,

Matt
(aka Miss Bendy)

gjlxSRzJI4Y

[maviczap]

Dear Sir,
Goodbye, caio,totsiens,lamtumirë,հրաժեշտ,agur,да пабачэння,বিদায়,довиждане,zbogom,再見,farvel,a u revoir,Tchus.

And I'm not coming back

Love

Matt
XX

[Red Herring]

Dear Sir,
I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram,
on a silver Suzuki oil less bike.
When my tickets are done and the fines are paid,
they're all gonna see the light.
Nothings ever right in this rotting old firm
Everything is fixed and wrong.
And nothing really works
And nothing really pays
And nothing's ever worth the cost.
And I know that I'm damned if I never get out,
And maybe I'm damned if I do,
But with every other beat I've got left in my heart,
You know I'd rather not be working for you.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned,
riding through the night with the Org.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned.
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned,
Riding through the night
Riding through the night
Riding through the night without you.

Your sincerely,

Matt.

[Matt-EUC]

Dear Sir,
I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram,
on a silver Suzuki oil less bike.
When my tickets are done and the fines are paid,
they're all gonna see the light.
Nothings ever right in this rotting old firm
Everything is fixed and wrong.
And nothing really works
And nothing really pays
And nothing's ever worth the cost.
And I know that I'm damned if I never get out,
And maybe I'm damned if I do,
But with every other beat I've got left in my heart,
You know I'd rather not be working for you.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned,
riding through the night with the Org.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned.
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned,
Riding through the night
Riding through the night
Riding through the night without you.

Your sincerely,

Matt.


10/10 for effort

10/10 for creativity

2/10 for subtlety


Good job.



Sent via the medium of interpretive dance.

[Red Herring]

10/10 for effort

10/10 for creativity

2/10 for subtlety




And he kept on telling me
He kept on telling me
He kept on telling me
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way
I'm ever gonna listen to you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

[Scoobs]

My first draft reads a lot like Scoobs suggestion.


Short and sweet....just like me.

[Matt-EUC]

Shall we try some serious but subtle ones?


Sent via the medium of interpretive dance.

[Red Herring]

OK Matt, not quite what you suggested in your OP but I'm sure we can help. Firstly why is it you want to resign, have you discussed the situation with your boss/line manager and do you already have another job lined up? Remember the priorities for a resignation letter should be to comply with any legal obligations on your part and to leave a professional last impression as that will be what they remember if ever asked for a reference. Scoring personal satisfaction points should be right at the back of things.....

[Matt-EUC]

I'm leaving because the job is sh!te the hours are sh!te the abuse is overwhelming I get no satisfaction out of it, people instantly take a disliking to me when I tell them what I do, it starts all sorts of arguments, I've put 17000 miles on my bike in under a year, I can't afford the servicing anymore, people telling me to jump off a bridge and asking how I sleep at night is absolutely soul destroying. There isn't any opportunity for advancement despite my manager telling me I'd be an area supervisor within a year.


And I have a new job lined up manufacturing inflatables like bouncy castles.

Yes I have already discussed it with my manager.

Also, I'm contractually obliged to give 4 weeks notice.


Sent via the medium of interpretive dance.

[Ch00]

and asking how I sleep at night


Like a baby is normally my reply.



Dear Boss

Like the setting sun which is inevitable at the end of the day my time here is closing in. As I look towards the horizon my future is elsewhere.

My last day is ......

[Matt-EUC]

That's awesome.


Sent via the medium of interpretive dance.

[Sir Trev]

The one you've already written is plenty Matt. Saying anything more is irrelevant or may get your bosses back up resulting in less chance of a reference.


However, some of the silly responses have been good so far :)

[davepreston]

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a Matt of ECP
I've been around for a long, long year
You made me steal many a man's soul and faith
And I understand you 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Sorry to leave you
Hope you caught my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
I stuck around St. Petersburg carpark
When I saw it was a time for a fine
Clamped their cars and their motorcycles
Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank
Held a wardens rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you
Hope you got my name, oh yeah
Ah, what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the fines they made
I shouted out,
"Who clamped the Kennedys?"
When after all
It was you and me
Let me please introduce myself
I'm a Matt of ECP
And I laid traps for motorists
Who get fined before they reached machines
Pleased to meet you
Hope you caught my name, oh yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
Pleased to meet you
Hope you got my name, oh yeah
But what's confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
Cause I'm in need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, um yeah
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down
Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
Tell me baby, what's my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, what's my name
I tell you one time, you're to blame
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah
What's me name
Tell me, baby, what's my name
Tell me, sweetie, what's my name
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah


Pleased to meet you
now you've got my name, oh yeah
pleased to meet you
here is the nature of my game, oh yeah


im resigning from this company
as I can no longer live with the shame
your a bunch of evil *******s
and tried to make me the same


so take this official notice
and understand I wont be back
im getting this in now
before you ****ers try to give me the sack

[Matt-EUC]

Sheer genius sir.


Sent via the medium of interpretive dance.

[keith_d]

Dear Sir,

It is with great regret that I must advise you that I will be leaving Euro Carparks Ltd on <date>

It has been a pleasure to work with one of the leading companies in parking enforcement, and I have learned a great deal from your business practices. Among the highlights has been the great on the job training, well structured career development and excellent management. It has been an inspiration to work with you all.

I hope to meet some of you when I have settled into my new role as Grand Master of Sarcasm at <company>

Regards

Matt

[Matt-EUC]

Pure gold Keith. Pure gold.

[Matt-EUC]

Could somebody compile all of these into one post for me please? Intend to send them all for a laugh after I've handed in the real one.

[Red Herring]

Just cut and paste them into a word document. I sure hope your new job doesn't involve any IT......

[Matt-EUC]

I don't have access to a PC for a couple of days.

[BanannaMan]

It'll feel much better if say it like this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdYL6Ntty54