BURNER
11-05-05, 03:13 PM
A Biker's Guide to Pillions
Guide to Pillions
You know how it is when you eye up a fresh pillion, intending to
indulge in consenting motorcycling with them - you wonder what it'll
be like, how you'll cope with that special close contact, whether
you'll enjoy it, whether they'll respect you afterwards. All too
often your enthusiasm gets the better of you when you go for it, and
your pillion slaps you, shrieking "I'm not that kind of pillion!",
and it seems that the problem is really not knowing what kind of
pillion you actually are facing - well, to help you out in this
matter, here's the Guide to Pillions.
Fork Bottomer
FB, aka Fat *******, sits like a sack of potatoes on your
overstressed bike. Helps you pull monster wheelies though, even on
C90's. But watch out you don't get pulled off too. If you do get
pulled off, though, you get a guaranteed soft landing, and the
pleasure of flattening the FB.
Flyweight
Delightful. You don't notice they're there. Occasionally pound at
your back when you're really enjoying yourself 'cos you've forgotten
they're there. Worth checking to see if they're still there now and
then; you may have dropped them at the lights. The looking-over-the-
shoulder routine you're taught to have as a reflex proves invaluable
with these pillions.
Petrified
These pillions are the best. They remain frozen with fear and you
forget they're there. Take a crowbar with you to prise them off the
seat afterwards though.
Terrified
These are a challenge. Unlike Petrified, Terrified moves all over the
place, counter-leaning in corners, clenching their buttocks and
squirming on their seat as you filter through traffic, emitting
pitiful cries of unhappiness as you blast off from the lights...
truly annoying.
Cure by applying more terror until they become Petrified.
Mumbler/regional-accent-handicapped
Can't hear/understand a word this pillion says. Impossible to swap
witty remarks with, especially in the cut-and-thrust of London
traffic. Eg: "I cannaestrudelfitzlochgommrag." "What?" "I
cannaestrudelfitzlochgommrag."
"Er...what?" "I CANNAESTRUDELFITZLOCHGOMMRAG." "Hunh?" "I
CANNAESTRUDELFITZLOCHGOMMRAG." "What? Oh soddit, the lights have
changed" (repeat at every set of lights) Frustrating.
Indifferent
Not impressed by the smoothest corners, the beefiest blast offs, the
wildest of wheelies and the most perceptive, prescient and pre-
emptive of roadcraft; this pillion knows no fear either. Riders are
mystified by this one, though theories abound: Possibly a despatch
rider's panniers in a previous life. Possibly plays Russian Roulette
in spare time.
Possibly a follower of the Roger Moore school of method acting. Check
pulse - possibly dead - to avoid confusing with the Petrified
pillion.
Asleep
Like Indifferent, but with the reason that this pillion is dozing
off. Occasionally wakes up with a sudden movement or falls off. Cure
with coffee, or letting them fall off. Or try and be less
enthusiastic in bed the night before with your pillion, if that's
the cause.
Backseat driver
Type A: Non-vocal
Usually people with their own bike who're scrounging a lift off you.
They send useful feedback about your riding style, mostly non-verbal
(eg clutching you really hard just when you're really enjoying a
corner).
Warning: If this pillion expects you to take a turning you will find
your bike is heading that way regardless of your own wishes, just
because the pillion has leant that way. Very disconcerting.
Type B: Vocal
Gives a running commentary of everybody and everything on the road -
eg: "*******! Try using your indicators, fat-**** Jaguar!", "Leaf
litter!", "Golly, what a pothole!" "AGGH! Volvo Battlecruiser in
sight!" Takes while to get rid of the feeling that your mind has
developed an echo. Mildly disconcerting, then you get used to it.
No-Way-Am-I-Gay
If the pilot's a bloke, and the pillion is too, this personality
trait sometimes shows up in the pillion: The pillion tries perching
as far away from the bloke in front as is feasible, keeping hands
off the pilot. No-Way-Am-I-Gay ocassionally falls off under
acceleration, but prefers that to being thought gay. Usually Italian
or Greek. Will kick your head in if you tell him he's insecure (even
though you only meant he'll find it hard to stay on).
Watch out when accelerating: For wheelies
For feet in the armpits as the pillion heroically attempts to stay on
without doing anything so poofy as to grab on to the bloke in
front. Hopeless.
Joker
Amuses himself (rarely herself) by witty little jokes designed to
endear himself to other road users.
Typical Joker actions:
With cigarette in hand, to open-top car driver while cruising along:
"scuse me mate, you got a light?" To open-top car driver who has
just refused the Joker's request for a light, and mumbled "Don't be
stupid, you'll kill yourself": "No, 'salright mate, honest. I'm down
to five a day now!"
To car driver with smokey exhaust: "Your car's belching out a lot of
smoke." Followed by long belch through car window.
At the lights next to a driver who's been on the car phone: "Ah, a
telephone box!" Followed by urinating into car.
Incurable, but fortunately rare (doesn't live long).
Guide to Pillions
You know how it is when you eye up a fresh pillion, intending to
indulge in consenting motorcycling with them - you wonder what it'll
be like, how you'll cope with that special close contact, whether
you'll enjoy it, whether they'll respect you afterwards. All too
often your enthusiasm gets the better of you when you go for it, and
your pillion slaps you, shrieking "I'm not that kind of pillion!",
and it seems that the problem is really not knowing what kind of
pillion you actually are facing - well, to help you out in this
matter, here's the Guide to Pillions.
Fork Bottomer
FB, aka Fat *******, sits like a sack of potatoes on your
overstressed bike. Helps you pull monster wheelies though, even on
C90's. But watch out you don't get pulled off too. If you do get
pulled off, though, you get a guaranteed soft landing, and the
pleasure of flattening the FB.
Flyweight
Delightful. You don't notice they're there. Occasionally pound at
your back when you're really enjoying yourself 'cos you've forgotten
they're there. Worth checking to see if they're still there now and
then; you may have dropped them at the lights. The looking-over-the-
shoulder routine you're taught to have as a reflex proves invaluable
with these pillions.
Petrified
These pillions are the best. They remain frozen with fear and you
forget they're there. Take a crowbar with you to prise them off the
seat afterwards though.
Terrified
These are a challenge. Unlike Petrified, Terrified moves all over the
place, counter-leaning in corners, clenching their buttocks and
squirming on their seat as you filter through traffic, emitting
pitiful cries of unhappiness as you blast off from the lights...
truly annoying.
Cure by applying more terror until they become Petrified.
Mumbler/regional-accent-handicapped
Can't hear/understand a word this pillion says. Impossible to swap
witty remarks with, especially in the cut-and-thrust of London
traffic. Eg: "I cannaestrudelfitzlochgommrag." "What?" "I
cannaestrudelfitzlochgommrag."
"Er...what?" "I CANNAESTRUDELFITZLOCHGOMMRAG." "Hunh?" "I
CANNAESTRUDELFITZLOCHGOMMRAG." "What? Oh soddit, the lights have
changed" (repeat at every set of lights) Frustrating.
Indifferent
Not impressed by the smoothest corners, the beefiest blast offs, the
wildest of wheelies and the most perceptive, prescient and pre-
emptive of roadcraft; this pillion knows no fear either. Riders are
mystified by this one, though theories abound: Possibly a despatch
rider's panniers in a previous life. Possibly plays Russian Roulette
in spare time.
Possibly a follower of the Roger Moore school of method acting. Check
pulse - possibly dead - to avoid confusing with the Petrified
pillion.
Asleep
Like Indifferent, but with the reason that this pillion is dozing
off. Occasionally wakes up with a sudden movement or falls off. Cure
with coffee, or letting them fall off. Or try and be less
enthusiastic in bed the night before with your pillion, if that's
the cause.
Backseat driver
Type A: Non-vocal
Usually people with their own bike who're scrounging a lift off you.
They send useful feedback about your riding style, mostly non-verbal
(eg clutching you really hard just when you're really enjoying a
corner).
Warning: If this pillion expects you to take a turning you will find
your bike is heading that way regardless of your own wishes, just
because the pillion has leant that way. Very disconcerting.
Type B: Vocal
Gives a running commentary of everybody and everything on the road -
eg: "*******! Try using your indicators, fat-**** Jaguar!", "Leaf
litter!", "Golly, what a pothole!" "AGGH! Volvo Battlecruiser in
sight!" Takes while to get rid of the feeling that your mind has
developed an echo. Mildly disconcerting, then you get used to it.
No-Way-Am-I-Gay
If the pilot's a bloke, and the pillion is too, this personality
trait sometimes shows up in the pillion: The pillion tries perching
as far away from the bloke in front as is feasible, keeping hands
off the pilot. No-Way-Am-I-Gay ocassionally falls off under
acceleration, but prefers that to being thought gay. Usually Italian
or Greek. Will kick your head in if you tell him he's insecure (even
though you only meant he'll find it hard to stay on).
Watch out when accelerating: For wheelies
For feet in the armpits as the pillion heroically attempts to stay on
without doing anything so poofy as to grab on to the bloke in
front. Hopeless.
Joker
Amuses himself (rarely herself) by witty little jokes designed to
endear himself to other road users.
Typical Joker actions:
With cigarette in hand, to open-top car driver while cruising along:
"scuse me mate, you got a light?" To open-top car driver who has
just refused the Joker's request for a light, and mumbled "Don't be
stupid, you'll kill yourself": "No, 'salright mate, honest. I'm down
to five a day now!"
To car driver with smokey exhaust: "Your car's belching out a lot of
smoke." Followed by long belch through car window.
At the lights next to a driver who's been on the car phone: "Ah, a
telephone box!" Followed by urinating into car.
Incurable, but fortunately rare (doesn't live long).