Pete's Problem Pointers.

[Peter Henry]

Fellow Sv peeps,I have decided to offer my counselling skills to assist anyone that has a problem or concern that is causing them some decision making headaches.
I can adress issues of a variety of topics but would prefer to bare in mind the "U" rating of the site and so we shall if you don't mind side step all matters regarding "Doctor's and nurses" and front bottoms,if you don't mind.

So come on the floor is yours, be you agonising over how to breach the embarrasing matter of your partner's cheesey smelling feet. Or wandering how to see your mother in law move out of your home without you upsetting her.

This is a public service in aid of enriching our little SV community. 8)

[Scoobs]

This will remain anonymous right?

[Peter Henry]

Young Scoobs,only you and I will share your problem,other forum members will be blacked out from our communication. Is it a personal hygiene problem you have son? :?

[jim@55]

only u and scoobs pah were all watching,is this thread in the same style as scoobs thread from a while ago'ask scoobs'where he seemed to know the answer to EVERYTHING? :wink:

[Scoobs]

Is it a personal hygiene problem you have son? :?

Damn you're good. Can you smell me from there?

[Scoobs]

only u and scoobs pah were all watching,is this thread in the same style as scoobs thread from a while ago'ask scoobs'where he seemed to know the answer to EVERYTHING? :wink:

I don't want to blow my own trumpet, but that WAS comic genius!

[Peter Henry]

Now Jim, that was a cleverly planned smoke screen that you tried to use there. :wink:

However answering the problem mentioned on your pm message, I don't think that your understanding friends would mind if you occasionally joined them for a drink at your local watering hole in a dress of your choice. After all in this day and age why would you think they would even bat an eyelid? :roll:

[Peter Henry]

Young Scoobs, I think the mentioning of "trumpets" should be refrained from due to your notoriety in a certain department. :wink:

Much as you love them,I think it is best for a peaceful family existence if you now discard the remaining 20 kilos of sprouts that you bought as a job lot last July. Much as your good lady likes to choose new decorating schemes, the constantly peeling paint of your lounge ceiling cannot impress her I am sure. :wink:

Happy to be of service.

[philipMac]

I found a space Alien in a jam jar in my attic.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,,1703094,00.html

I am worried the big boys are going to make fun of me, since I am socially awkward at the best of times.
Whatever shall I do Peter?

Yours hopfully,
Worried.

[Scoobs]

Young Scoobs, I think the mentioning of "trumpets" should be refrained from due to your notoriety in a certain department. :wink:

It's all smoke and mirrors mate. Mrs Scoobs calls me her little button mushroom.

[Peter Henry]

Ah Master Philip....God decided that some of his favourite children would walk in an ungainly manner, be totally unco-ordinated in team sports and be forced to wear K Mart clothing....as a special sign to the rest of the world....just how much he loves them.

Those other boys from the football team that get all of the hot chicks only do so as they are in denial,your time will soon come when Mary- Jo will be yours. :wink:

Happy to be of service.

[jim@55]

SSHHHHHHH,,,thought it was confidential :P

[Peter Henry]

Jim...Relax...As I said no-one is privy to your communication on the forum with me.Your secret is safe until you finally make that big decision......your next trip down to the Labour Club...will it be the strapless number or the backless one? Phew Jim,decisions,decisions! :wink: :lol: I gues in your house from now on will se not only queues for the bathroom but also for wifey's wardrobe!

[philipMac]

Ah Master Philip....God decided that some of his favourite children would walk in an ungainly manner, be totally unco-ordinated in team sports and be forced to wear K Mart clothing....as a special sign to the rest of the world....just how much he loves them.

Those other boys from the football team that get all of the hot chicks only do so as they are in denial,your time will soon come when Mary- Jo will be yours. :wink:

Happy to be of service.

This helps a great deal.

The thing is, the space alien in the jam jar has started talking to me. First he just admired my girlfriends rump. But, this morning he asked if he could get on the back of the bike for the spin into work.

Which was fine.

Thing is, now I let him borrow the SV and have a bit of a look about town "Since I wasnt using it anyway". He was very pushy. I just have to try and stand up to the bullies in my life I suppose.

I am ever so anxious he might drop it. His little legs barely reach down to the foot rests.

[Peter Henry]

Philip...Don't you worry about your little alien friend. I had one myself when I was your age! Yes,I really did! Maybe just draw the line at him borrowing your car though as he will only want to go impressing the local girls in it. :wink:

Happy to be of service.

[Spiderman]

I have an itchy bum.


























and now my finger smells.

Any ideas Dr Pete?
:lol:

[Foey]

Is it a personal hygiene problem you have son? :?

Damn you're good. Can you smell me from there?



WE ALL CAN. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Peter Henry]

Young Spidey..If only all of life's problems were so easy to rectify! just give the smelly digit a quick lick and your present problems will all be forgotten!

Happy to be of service.

[Foey]

I feel as though everyone is ignoring me.

[Foey]

I SAID I FEEL AS THOUGH EVERYONE IS IGNORING ME.

[Scoobs]

Anyway........

[Spiderman]

Thanks Pete

tasted a little like Marmite tho :sick:

Just dont tell the grinch or he'll want to spread my bum on some toast.

Oh, errrm, dont read that the way you could read it. You all know what i mean :roll:

[Supervox]

Dear Peter,

I can never seem to pick the winning numbers for the lottery no matter how hard I concentrate or how many lines I fill in :cry:

Where am I going wrong ? Can you help me ?

[Peter Henry]

Mr.Supervox....Well life's little flutters can prove rather taxing and can create so many unfulfilled dreams. Perhaps you should try actually selecting numbers rather than writing their names down,as I know you are fond of? Do not despair just around the corner is that lottery win for you when your chances of winning are multiplied beyond all recognition...due to everyone else not bothering that week.

happy to be of service.

BTW..who is that person that keeps shouting for attention? Huh...i'll just ignore them anyway.

[Filipe M.]

Dear Mr. Henry,

My problem is the exact opposite of Mr. Vox's:

No matter how hard they try, they never seem to pick my lottery numbers.

What can be done about this?

Sincerely yours,

Myself.

[Peter Henry]

Greetings Filipe..Such modern times,here I am communicating with one of our foreign cousins.

I think that your problem lies very close to home and that the lottery organisers are aware of this. They feel that to lavish obscene amounts of money to a man that has such a squared off area on his motorcycle tyres,that the bike can now stand up on it's own, would frankly just be a waste.
Filipe there is more chance of you winning your fortune by fishing for sardine or stripping cork from trees. Be happy with your lot my friend. You are regularly enriched via your participation on the Mega Pleb...what more could a man wish for?

Happy to be of service.

[Foey]

Dear Peter
I have recently been informed that i have somehow been given the managerial role of a moto gp team, whilst i am obviously excited by this prospect & all that it involves, travelling around the world, grid girls, money, grid girls, dodgy shades, grid girls, i am also a bit hessitant & worried that i may loose friendships that i have recently started to forge with people from a website that i visit, please, please, please can you tell me how to keep their friendship alive after my team wins the title.

Yours

Colin

[Peter Henry]

Colin...Indeed success brings at times the negative out of people but I feel the key is in the manner in which you bask in your glory once it arrives. The thumbing of nose via forum posts might not be the best way in which to do that, but I am sure that humility is all part and parcel of your charming demeanour.

I believe that you have one of those very nice little Italians in your team Colin? Little Loris I believe? He's a smashing chappie in a street urchin kind of way. I can assure you that should a touch of fairing bashing occur with that nasty Mr.Rossi..Little Loris is highly unlikely to come off second best.

You may need to take greater attention of your personal hygiene and dress sense Colin with your new position, as you will no doubt come in to very close contact with those blushing Ducati Marlboro ladies as you pass through the pit lane shaking hands and kissing babies.

Happy to be of service.

[Biker Biggles]

I dropped the bike and afterwards I found I can't get it up.
Spidi----I've gone off Marmite. :shock:

[valleyboy]

Dear Mr Henry

Women run away from me at the first given opertunity..

its getting rather annoying now...

as i find sheep tend to run infront of me.. when Im usualy going round corners on the bike..

help please!? :lol:

[Peter Henry]

Young B:B. Well with your photographic memories of glory days of the great Giacomo Agostini over in the Isle of Man, I don't think the root of this little problem lies in the recent drop of the bike does it?

Rising to attention can affect us all as the years advance and perhaps one or two of those little herbal tablets that seem so readilly available on the tinter net might just be what is required to put a little bit of lead back in your pencil.

Happy to be of service.

[timwilky]

Peter

Why does my wife talk in her sleep?. I thought she did not like my brother but she keeps saying his name repeatedly.

[Foey]

I believe that you have one of those very nice little Italians in your team Colin? Little Loris I believe?




LORIS, i have no person of that name in my team, i told him we only had world class riders in team piston broke & that he should look elsewhere, how dare you insult me you, you, you, sunworshipper you. :wink: :lol:

[Peter Henry]

Valleyboy...I know it is a symbol of your country but believe it or not eating leeks at every meal time is not altogether good for you. Attending social functions with an emergency supply tucked behind your ears is not really going to be a major plus point with the ladies either, I am afraid to advise you.

On the sheep front,the problem you have there is that the creature has extremely good eye sight and are the most devoted of lovers and not prone to giving up their men easily. Perhaps you need to pull over to the side of the road and for once simply talk the situation through with her,but please do not continue a physical relationship with her if you do wish to move on.

Happy to be of service.

[Peter Henry]

Colin...Sorry about that,just me teasing you! I know full well that you have the mercurial and ever so rapid Mr.Givitnow in your team. Such a lovely boy and from such a good, well connected family.

Indeed there will many a person forced to eat their words I feel when this season is through. Young Stewart,(as Sete likes to be known) did come to me to assist him in his dilemma with that Rossi fellow. He could never accept that the people could adore such a commoner who seems to delight in picking his leathers from his anal crevice and adjustung his err hum tackle whenever a camera is in sight! So uncouth. For someone with the breeding of young Stewart this has been unbareable.

Forget the marlboro girls Colin,Stewart is romantically linked with one of Spain's leading models,although the poor love seems to have had her lips adjusted by Stewarts own tyre supplier!

Happy to be of service.

[Peter Henry]

Timothy Wilkinson as I live and breathe. Well the good lady no doubt has a little dificulty in getting a word in edge ways when you are constantly looking to put the world to rights and agonising over your next bike fashion statement.

Her murmurings of your brother I feel are simply an unconscious cry for help which helps to console her that she really did choose the right brother all of those years ago.

I beleive that you have been heard murmur "leatherette bondage" in your sleep also,but we all know you have no interest at all in that kind of thing.

Happy to be of service.

Please continue to post your problems.I will deal with those and the pm questions received in due course. 8)

[Peter Henry]

Boys and girls.....Surgery has now re-opened for the day.I will be back shortly to address "Hopeless from Somerset"

Happy to be of service.

[Viney]

Dr Mr Henry

I have a somewhat Taxing and stressing problem. I live in.....erm....this is harder than i thought.....erm....I live in........ahhhhhhh....erm.....Sou.......South....L ondon..There said it. I live in south london. Can you help?

Yours from da souf init an worried loike

L8r

[DanDare]

Dear Sir Peter Henry VI MD PhD VC

I think I am losing it or hulicinating badly as I was driving along the other day on my way back from Halfords. Suddenley I swerved to miss this tree that came out of nowhere. As I swerved several times it moved as if to compensate causing me to hit it. Never did but scared the beejesus out of me. Still my car smells lovely and fresh now.

DanDare

P.S Has anyone seen my Rhubarb?

[Peter Henry]

Well hello to little old Viney, I didn't notice you creeping up on me! For sure that is indeed a terrible price you pay no doubt for misdemeanours that took place before your "change" operation.

But be positive and move forward as now I believe there are rays of northern sunshine on hand to brighten even the jellied eel wastes of your neighbourhood.

Happy to be of service.

[northwind]

Dr Henry,

I'm currently having serious work-related problems which are causing me to become very depressed.

The urinals in the staff toilets are perfectly positioned to cause maximum splashage, making it very difficult for me to use the facilities without creating an embarassing mess. Instead, I have to use a cubicle, in the manner of a small-membered man or pre-op transexual. It's only a matter of time before the rumours start- what can I do to safeguard my reputation?

[Peter Henry]

Dan Dare..What a silly billy you are! You drive along that road often enough to know that it branches off in places! Furthermore that the road is quite definitely truncated also.

Maybe staying a little further away from the barmaid's beer soaked apron when having your after lunch spritzer might help you in correcting this fault.

Haapy to be of service.

[Halonic]

I require some quite urgent advice

I appear to be being attacked by a legion of hamsters, of this variety:

http://www.hamsterhideout.com/illustrations/marlene/normalww.jpg

see their vicious pointy teeth?

anyhoo, how will the virtual decimation of the capitalist system by conglomerate america, affect population density in post collapse asia, assuming current predictions of wealth disparity hold true?

[DanDare]

Thanks PH you are wise in ways of the world!

Also I got pulled this morning with the same thing happening. The wonderful man in blue kindly pointed out it was the Magic Tree air freshner!

Alls well and ends well!

[Peter Henry]

Mr.Northwind tut, tut, why get yourself in such a tizz over such a small thing? Perhaps it might be best if, (despite the ease of which this can be done) you refrain from raising your kilt and backing yourself on to the urinals. Come on now that is a recipe for disaster isn't it? Follow my guide and all thoughts of saving face will be cast aside.


Happy to be of service.

[Peter Henry]

Hello Happy Halonic, in answer to your question,their will be some affect this is true,whether this is positive cannot yet be gauged until the final results of analysis have been corrolated.I will be pleased to provide you with a fuller reply at that point.

Happy to be of service...btw those cheeky little muchkins you have there are just about bite size are they not? Oh heavens,how yummy.

[scooby2102]

Pete and the rest of you guys

jeez, I have just read this thread and just about physically pashed meself

you guys should be on the telly with your own show :lol:

funniest thing I have read in ages

[Peter Henry]

Dan...That was obviously a little tug by Special Branch today. Normally they are quite amenable if you offer to buy tickets for the next Policeman's Ball. For as you are aware there are indeed a few policemen out there that need their b+lls supporting!


Happy to be of service.

[sharriso74]

Dr Pete,

Who would win this race?
http://upload2.postimage.org/123505/torthare.jpg (http://upload2.postimage.org/123505/photo_hosting.html)

[DanDare]

Dr Pete,

Who would win this race?
http://upload2.postimage.org/123505/torthare.jpg (http://upload2.postimage.org/123505/photo_hosting.html)

Sorry for interrupting Peter but surely the answer is neither as they are both having a lovely chat. :lol: :lol:

[sharriso74]

Dr Pete,

Who would win this race?
http://upload2.postimage.org/123505/torthare.jpg (http://upload2.postimage.org/123505/photo_hosting.html)

Sorry for interrupting Peter but surely the answer is neither as they are both having a lovely chat. :lol: :lol:

Nah the tortoise it getting in bit of sledging trying to psyc out the hare

[Peter Henry]

Now boys ...Please leave the answers to the experts if you don't mind?

What we have there is a previously unreleased photograph of a laboratory simulation of the potential performance comparison between a works Suzuki and the Ducati GP6. No great secret in that one.


Happy to be of service.

[Foey]

I think my partner is more interested in religion than she is in me, when we go to bed for the evening she will sometimes start to kiss me goodnight but after half an hour or so of attention she tries to push me away by kicking with her legs & she starts shouting for god, what can i do to make her love me again.

[Peter Henry]

Colin...You may have protected yourself from the aggresive leg action if you had only noticed the clenching and unclenching of the good lady's toes. A timely reminder to you that you should at least allow her to remove her tights first! The screams I am afraid are purely down to her frustration with your performance,a point I am sure you have grown quite used to.

Happy to be of service.

[northwind]

Mr.Northwind tut, tut, why get yourself in such a tizz over such a small thing?

I knew it! The rumours are getting around!

[Spiderman]

I'm concerned my massive marijuana intake is causing me short term memory loss, Doc. :?

I was wondering if you could help me out with that in some way man, i mean its not cool, like - you know not remembering what you were on about. :-s









And i think i may need some help with my short term memory loss too.











Now where were those rizlas?





Oh, hello :) who are you? This is a nice site you have here.














I was just wondering if you could help me with something.

[madmal]

peter, sorry-doc, bit embrassing this but i need help.
i have a huge black spot on my dictaphone and no matter how hard the snap dragon scrubs it, it wont come off! :( :( :(

[Spiderman]

peter, sorry-doc, bit embrassing this but i need help.
i have a huge black spot on my dictaphone and no matter how hard the snap dragon scrubs it, it wont come off! :( :( :(

Yo shouldnt use your dictaphone.....use your finger like everyone else. ;)

[madmal]

lol spidy :D :D you is wicked.

[Spiderman]

lol spidy :D :D you is wicked.

:oops:

:takeabow:

its an oldie, but a goodie :lol:

[Biker Biggles]

Will Tony Blair win the next general erection?

[Peter Henry]

Mr Web Climber....Spidey.....The best solution for youy my friend is to brake several glass botles on ahard floor and then further reduce the size of the broken fragments.

Then, you know how your pet dog scrambles along the floor when sitting down by paddling with his front legs?Normally when he has worms or a bit of a stinging ring? Maybe you should then sit on the mentioned fragments and draw yourself along also. Not guaranteed to cure your memory loss but you will not know that is what you actually asked for help on now will you?

Happy to be of service.

[Peter Henry]

hello Mal...you are a bit of a sauce aren't you? Perhaps it is the bell at the end that require a good polishing rather than a scrub? Give that some thought,however I am surprised that in this day and age you have not progressed to hands free.

Happy to be of service.

[Peter Henry]

Hello Mr.Bonking Biggles,a good evening to you.

Well I personally think that Mr.Blair has a far better chance of winning a general erection than a constituency in somewhere like Barnet. The reason for that is there are far too many knobs providing stiff,(or perhaps not so stiff) competition.


Happy to be of service.

[Anonymous]

Oh hello there Peter dear,

I've noticed that my chihuahua has developed a little patch of dry skin. What ointment should I rub on it and would I be wise to shave the affected area?

[Peter Henry]

Camilla...Nice of you to drop by,I think the best remedy might be the old favourite Royal Jelly something I am sure you are familiar with from your more racey days. However the problem might not be as bad as you think due to your little furry friend being a lot smaller than many I have known.

Happy to be of service.

By the way friends tomorrow is a big day on the Peter's Problem Page when I will be addressing some of the pm questions sent to me by forum members.Some of the topics being discused will include:

"Next weekend I am to stay over at my girlfriends for the first time,should I warn her now about my bed wetting?"

"My wife keeps causing a stink over my flatulence,what should I do?"

"Shortly I will be going on a weekend tour with some biking friends,will they accept my customary wearing of a body stocking under my leathers?"


"My lady has a bigger one than I can manage,what hope is there for me?"

[Well Oiled]

Dear Dr Pete,

I went to bed last night and made a wish that I had a 'todger' that reached the floor. I woke up this morning and both my legs had disappeared. What should I do?

Shortass of Derbyshire

[Peter Henry]

Well oiled all I can really suggest to you is that you stop a+sing about immediately!


Happy to be of service.

[Anonymous]

Not sur how serous this thread is but I brought Fliss a Ferragamo belt in the summer - u know, one of thos ewide ones. Well, it's silver leather and whn she wers it on the back of the sv it looks lik a hedalight reflector. Trouble is, when she does'nt wera it, her thong shows and that's usulluy red - so looks lik a break light!

I think there both dangeros but which do u think is worser?

[Peter Henry]

Tryss and Fliss...do not despair dears,nothing to be overly perturbed about. Much better a front light reflector or extra brake light than having a huge crack at the back of the bike.


Happy to be of service.

[Well Oiled]

Well oiled all I can really suggest to you is that you stop a+sing about immediately!


Happy to be of service.

Thanks for the advice Doc. Only just seen it as I've just got in from the pub, and the wife's first comment was 'Just look at you - legless as usual'. Do you think she should show more sympathy?

[Peter Henry]

Well oiled...maybe the good lady has just cause as no doubt she has had her fill of seeing you bumming around.


Happy to be of service.

[Peter Henry]

Well good morning people, here I am with my first Saturday clinic here on the forum and without further delay I am going to answer a question raised via pm by "Troubled of Somerset."

You tell me that your girlfriend gets more enjoyment from using her toy than what you can give her? Also that your skills are not up to matching her as she searches for satisfaction?

I know you have taken to serenading her with your guitar in order to mesmerise her but that will not be sufficient I feel.

The best advice I can give is that you one day volunteer to clean that filthy bike of hers and whilst doing so,ease off the plug cap to the rear cylinder. Then perhaps with only one pot firing you might be able to finally keep up with her.


Happy to be of service.

[Foey]

Good morning doctor peter, My little problem is that i am at work at the moment but i would rather be out on the bike as the sun is shining, how can i get out out of this place soon. :cry:

[Peter Henry]

Well Mr.Foey....let's be fair...for the value you bring to your employer when you are visiting my clinic here on the forum, you might aas well toddle off right now.

Find your immediate superior and give him a friendly cuff around the ear and ask quite firmly..."I am going now,is that a problem for you?"

I am sure all will be fine.


Happy to be of service.

[Foey]

Well Mr.Foey....let's be fair...for the value you bring to your employer when you are visiting my clinic here on the forum, you might aas well toddle off right now.

Find your immediate superior and give him a friendly cuff around the ear and ask quite firmly..."I am going now,is that a problem for you?"

I am sure all will be fine.


Happy to be of service.


Like you i am paid for what i know not what i do.

My boss is in Africa for three weeks with her hubby chasing zebra's, think it will be ok if i just tell them my doctor said i should have the time off.


Thanks for the help & advice.
Colin

[northwind]

NHS 24 is a gift to the skiver... "Have you seen a doctor?" "No, i phoned up that NHS 24 and the person there recommended bed rest and lots of fluid". They recommend that for everything...

[Peter Henry]

oh dear Andrew those dark and cold days really bring out the worst in you don't they? The new system is aimed at seeing the genuine sick people gain access to advice without haveing to run the gauntlet of that awful mix of bacteria that flows in the iar of your GP's reception.

For me it is to be commended as highly as the forward thinking immigration policy that sees so many persecuted people arrive in the UK to sell drugs.


Happy to be of service-.

[northwind]

Perhaps I'm biased, since they recommended rest and paracetemol when I broke my hip ;) "Or, if you're not sure, you could go to your GP". "I can't walk" "Probably better just rest it then"

[timwilky]

Doctor Pete what should I do

The team that I manage can beat the best of opposition. But when ever we go into a game that should be a walk over especially when the opposition don't have a full team on the pitch. It is us that gets walked over/

Please help. I am new to mamangement and this is my first proper job.


Hoping you can give me some good advice

Mark Hughes

[Peter Henry]

Well at times it does appear that you are making a right mammary of things young Mark. But I think the Rovers faithful will bare with you especially as you conduct yourself so well and are much more of a gentleman now than in your playing days with those Champagne Charlie's from Manchester.

Although he does a good job for the team that flaxen haired urchin Mr.Savage needs to controlled and if he isn't busy kicking lumps out of people the other team members do not seem to be interested.

Maybe invest in a dvd or two,those that I can recommend are:

"Not only am I ugly but I am a dirty Barsteward" featuring Tommy Smith.

"Just Tripping away" by Ron Harris.

Then perhaps consider a bonding camp at perhaps your nearest Butlins seaside resort. not quite Marbella but the players will get the jist of it.

Mark can you explain to me why football staff all seem to have their initials on their training kit? Is this because they have now progressed from the days when their boots used to be marked "left and right"? Evolution is a wonderfully thing isn't it?


Happy to be of service.

[timwilky]

Mark can you explain to me why football staff all seem to have their initials on their training kit? Is this because they have now progressed from the days when their boots used to be marked "left and right"? Evolution is a wonderfully thing isn't it?


Happy to be of service.

Doctor Peter. I would have thought being a medical man that you would know all about infection control. We started putting initials on kit here at Ewood Park when it was discovered that our captain was entertaining "ladies" at a certain hotel. We only discovered this when a young lady who just happens to be the daughter of one of your forum members checked him into the hotel.

Consequently all our players refused to wear kit that may have been worn by our captain as they were sure thier wives would not believe the "I must have caught it from Gary Flightcroft's jock strap" excuse.



Thank you for the advice regarding clogging. I doubt that there is little we need to learn for Tommy Smith that I can't teach my boys

Mark