View Full Version : For the millitary among us
Caddy2000
23-04-06, 11:23 AM
CORRIDORS OF POWER
GENERAL
LEAPS TALL BUILDINGS WITH A SINGLE BOUND. MORE POWERFUL THAN SPEEDING TRAIN, FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET.
GIVES POLICY TO GOD.
COLONEL
LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A SINGLE BOUND. MORE POWERFUL THAN A SHUNTING ENGINE. IS JUST AS FAST AS A SPEEDING BULLET. WALKS ON WATER (IF SEA IS CALM).
TALKS WITH GOD.
Lt.-COLONEL
LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A RUNNING START IN FAVOURABLE WINDS. IS ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS A SPEEDING BULLET. WALKS ON INDOOR SWIMMING POOLS.
TALKS WITH GOD IF SPECIAL REQUEST IS APPROVED.
MAJOR
BARELY CLEARS NISSEN HUT. LOSES TUG-OF-WAR WITH A STEARM ENGINE. CAN FIRE A SPEEDING BULLET AND SWIMS WELL.
IS OCCASIONALLY ADDRESSED BY GOD.
CAPTAIN
MAKES HIGH MARKS WHEN TRYING TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS. IS RUN OVER BY TRAINS. CAN SOMETIMES HANDLE A GUN WITHOUT INFLICTING SELF-INJURY. DOGGY PADDLES AND TALKS TO ANIMALS.
LIEUTENANT
RUNS INTO TALL BUILDINGS. RECOGNISES TRAINS TWO OUT OF THREE TIMES. IS NOT ISSUED WITH AMMUNITION. CAN STAY AFLOAT IF PROPERLY INSTRUCTED IN THE USE OF A LIFE JACKET.
TALKS TO WALLS.
2nd LIEUTENANT
FALLS OVER DOORSTEPS, WHILE TRYING TO ENTER BUILDINGS. SAYS, “LOOK AT CHOO CHOO”. IS NEVER ISSUED WITH A GUN OR AMMUNITION. PLAYS IN MUD PUDDLES.
MUMBLES TO HIMSELF.
Sgt.-MAJOR
LIFTS TALL BUILDINGS AND WALKS UNDER THEM. KICKS STEAM ENGINES OFF THE TRACK. CATCHES SPEEDING BULLETS IN HIS TEETH AND EATS THEM. FREEZES WATER WITH A SINGLE GLANCE.
HE IS GOD!!!!!!
valleyboy
23-04-06, 11:38 AM
:lol: :lol:
Don't get it... I was in the boys brigade does that count?
Caddy2000
23-04-06, 04:17 PM
Don't get it... I was in the boys brigade does that count?
:?
Any ex NCO's out there?
tinpants
23-04-06, 05:15 PM
Yup!
Caddy2000
23-04-06, 05:21 PM
Yup!
Does it ring true? I found it in Spike Milligan's War Biography. It made me laugh :twisted: Especially when I met a 2nd Lt from the household
tinpants
23-04-06, 05:26 PM
Good God !! Its so accurate its spooky. New officers weren't allowed to do anything in the R.E's 'cos it was well known they couldn't do anything without hurting themselves. When I think back to some of the near misses attributed to the Y.O's (young officers- generally inexperienced d*ckheads) it makes me shudder!!!
Mind you, some of the longer serving officers were no better!! As regards the quip about Sargeant- Majors being akin to God I can only say its spot on. The penultimate SSM I served with was "old school". If you dropped a b*llock he wouldn't put you on a charge. He'd have you in for an "interview without coffee", give you a sharp dig and that would be that. The guys f*cking loved him!!! He was a soldiers soldier. Sadly he was court-martialled for filling in a sargeant. Lost his pension, his rank, and his job. Absolute travesty really 'cos the Sgt was a right nob.
The SSM's name... John "punchy" Davis. Top guy.
Caddy2000
23-04-06, 06:20 PM
I love the story when Spike Milligan (19th Battery 56th Heavy) was given Bren gun 'lesson'.
The Staff were brilliant with lines such as:
"Treat the trigger as you would your bird's tits"
and
"This is the safe end, and this is the dangerous end"
"You're supposed to be killing Jerry not the f*ckin' sand!!!"
My fav was:
"Do you know the lord's prayer lad? Yes? Well go over to that tree, face it and whilst you recite it ask him to help you to STOP WASTING MY F*CKIN' TIME!"
N.B. I have added the swearing as these are quotes from our history
I can certainly relate to all those quotes.
What it says about ammo and guns, but what it doesn't say is ANYTHING ABOUT MAPS... :wink:
old joke.
Q) What has an Officer and a Lighthouse in the Desert got in Common?
A) Both are very bright but no F ing use to anyone. :lol:
Caddy2000
23-04-06, 07:18 PM
At work, about 2 years ago whilst I was kicking 7 shades of detritus out of a mower I had a very nasty shock:
http://upload3.postimage.org/160670/cavalry3.jpg (http://upload3.postimage.org/160670/photo_hosting.html)
I mean how much damage could this many horses do to my fine lawns?
http://upload3.postimage.org/160701/cavalry2.jpg (http://upload3.postimage.org/160701/photo_hosting.html)
Exel was holding a horsey thing in which the household cavalry were to do a set piece. Unfortunately they didn't put enough saw dust down. So while the floor was being looked at the dippy 2nd Lt decided to take all the horses and all of the men out for a trip round East London's quiet and peaceful roads.
When I asked him why he had to bring them into my park he told me that "They were getting a bit jittery" :shock: :?
What's it say for 2nd Lt?
Ward8124
24-04-06, 08:41 AM
Don't get it... I was in the boys brigade does that count?
:?
Any ex NCO's out there?
Yup that will be me.....Cpl going tiffy!
tinpants
24-04-06, 09:49 AM
Mate of mine went tiffy some years back. Last seen / heard of in ?7 Armd Wksps in Falingbostel. Name of Buck Buchanan. Don't suppose you know him? I know, I know its a big corp and all that! Just wondered. He was an "A" mech working on Chally 1+2. :?:
stewboy
24-04-06, 09:51 AM
Sounds about right ......lol spot on !!!
Don't get it... I was in the boys brigade does that count?
:?
Any ex NCO's out there?
Yup that will be me.....Cpl going tiffy!
When are you having your Spine removed...?
only joking, Have you been loaded yet, and Who are you serving with @ present?
stewboy
24-04-06, 06:35 PM
Im a lance jack ....i work for a living
tinpants
24-04-06, 06:40 PM
Doing what, exactly? Thought you were a stab?! They don't do anything :-dd
Mate of mine went tiffy some years back. Last seen / heard of in ?7 Armd Wksps in Falingbostel. Name of Buck Buchanan. Don't suppose you know him? I know, I know its a big corp and all that! Just wondered. He was an "A" mech working on Chally 1+2. :?:
I left 2Bn in Fally in Nov 2004, and I think Buck was posted there in that year. I defo know the name. I was in Forward A Platoon. or Fwd A... small world eh?
stewboy
24-04-06, 06:45 PM
Doing what, exactly? Thought you were a stab?! They don't do anything :-dd
Oi!!!!!
:wink:
i would have done more than you would have........and in my own time ..... :lol:
tinpants
24-04-06, 06:50 PM
Doing what, exactly? Thought you were a stab?! They don't do anything :-dd
Oi!!!!!
:wink:
i would have done more than you would have........and in my own time ..... :lol:
err, meaning? :D
stewboy
24-04-06, 07:04 PM
meaning ........
you can only abuse me on wednesdays and weekend .......or if im called up
( again)
and as im sure you will find today is a monday ...so until then button it :lol:
meaning ........
you can only abuse me on wednesdays and weekend .......or if im called up
( again)
and as im sure you will find today is a monday ...so until then button it :lol:
STAB... :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol:
tinpants
24-04-06, 07:19 PM
meaning ........
you can only abuse me on wednesdays and weekend .......or if im called up
( again)
and as im sure you will find today is a monday ...so until then button it :lol:
Quite right corporal. Sorry corporal.
S.T.A.B.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol:
stewboy
24-04-06, 07:29 PM
lol i was in the army foundation course and spent 6 months away :oops:
besides i do it because i want to ........ :twisted:
:lol: :lol:
thats it you stick together you lot :wink:
im a double hard stewboy
The boys brigade was nothing like this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e1RFoUJAhs&search=troops
The boys brigade was nothing like this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e1RFoUJAhs&search=troops
Thats still one of the videos we still have to watch every year... as well as others that are banned.
Ward8124
25-04-06, 07:56 AM
Don't get it... I was in the boys brigade does that count?
:?
Any ex NCO's out there?
Yup that will be me.....Cpl going tiffy!
When are you having your Spine removed...?
only joking, Have you been loaded yet, and Who are you serving with @ present?
Yeah i got laoded alright im now in 1Bn Civi strasse!!! :D :lol: They were offering me all sorts before i left but ive done my time and enoughs enough.
Ward8124
25-04-06, 07:57 AM
Mate of mine went tiffy some years back. Last seen / heard of in ?7 Armd Wksps in Falingbostel. Name of Buck Buchanan. Don't suppose you know him? I know, I know its a big corp and all that! Just wondered. He was an "A" mech working on Chally 1+2. :?:
I left 2Bn in Fally in Nov 2004, and I think Buck was posted there in that year. I defo know the name. I was in Forward A Platoon. or Fwd A... small world eh?
OMFG as i was in 2bn Optronics platoon from 99-may 2002 mate!! spooky!
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