Jdubya
20-07-06, 07:06 PM
Work Pooguide
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING**
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY*
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE *
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in
a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If
you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK*
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH*
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME *
Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks
in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER *
A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out
Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooer before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) *
*A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out
Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS *
A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR*
Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH*
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
*ASTAIRE *
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooer can poo in peace.
*WATERMELON*
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA OMELET*
A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
*UNCLE TED **
*A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING**
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY*
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE *
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in
a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If
you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK*
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH*
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME *
Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks
in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER *
A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out
Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooer before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) *
*A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out
Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS *
A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR*
Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH*
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
*ASTAIRE *
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooer can poo in peace.
*WATERMELON*
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA OMELET*
A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
*UNCLE TED **
*A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.