When I heard Stephen Hawkins had reached 70 I thought f00k me that's a powerful wheelchair!

After landing myself in jail I spent the next hour bring relentlessly bummed.




Sometimes I think my uncle takes monopoly far too seriously!

Dear Deirdre,

I was watching my next door neighbours daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was knocking one out I noticed my wife just stood there, arms folded, watching me.

Is my wife a pervert?

My wife has just come home screaming and shouting at me 'you've given me crabs you dirty b*stard!'

I said 'woah, just hang on a minute, before you start blaming me have a word with your sister!'

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

:smt046

I was shagging a bird the other night when she said 'don't put it up my arris'

I had to explain to her that it's traditional for the person holding the knife to make those decisions!

Apparently wrapping your c0k in a copy of the Beano while having a wank is not classed as Comic Relief

The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital.
On the way to the operating theatre he whispers to the nurse 'Am I in heaven?'
The nurse replies 'No, we're just taking a short cut through the children's ward'

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

:smt043

I was asked to go and see an ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. The Police weren't too pleased. Apparently, I was only meant to be identifying the body.......