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Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
We had a random customer call up and ask...
"how far are you away from me?" |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
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I had someone ask me how I make their background image on Zoom centred....she sent a screenshot, it was centred she just needed to shift her **** over to be centred with the camera. I also once had someone ask me how I stop the light switches interfering with their recording equipment (cameras), walked in to inspect , she turned off the lights...and obviously the camera preview went black. That's how light works dear. |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
Beware - there's more
IDIOT SIGHTING No 5 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked: 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded: 'That's why we ask'. Happened at Luton Airport |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
IDIOT SIGHTING No 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded: 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde) |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
IDIOT SIGHTING No7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey', I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!' His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire. STAY ALERT! They walk among us. AND THEY BREED! |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
Let this be a warning - not much comedy!
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." ''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of . . ." At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off." |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
English woman and husband visiting Wales for first time noticed most people speaking Welsh - they stopped for lunch in a nice town and woman asked a man on next table 'do you speak English - can you tell me where we are, and please speak slowly because Welsh place names look strange to me' The man leaned closer and said 'B -- U -- R -- G. -- E. -- R. -- K. -- I. -- N. -- G. '....
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Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
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Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
Why isn’t Trump allowed in the White House?
Because it’s forBiden....... |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
Groooooooan!
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Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
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Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
Bye Don I think!
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Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
A Lasting Impression:
https://twitter.com/ThePoke/status/1325124203859726336 bonus, there's this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Th5u...ature=emb_logo (start it at time 4:14) |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
Dad Jokes...
these are really bad... How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? From the bark. How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya! Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable. What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. Don't trust atoms. They make up everything! When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off. What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar. ok :nomore: |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
Blimey! Richie, welcome back! Where have you been hiding?
And ...er...yes they are. :smt046 |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
The farmer thought his cockerel was getting too old to perform his duties properly in the henhouse, so he bought a young, healthy cockerel and put him out in the yard. The old cockerel says:
"So, you think you are going to take away my job? First you have got to beat me in a running race and since I am so much older than you, give me a head start." The young cockerel gives him a 5 second lead and starts running, expecting to pass the old cockerel quickly. To his surprise, the old one is pretty fast, but he is gaining on him. Then the farmer comes out the back door with a shotgun and blows the young cockerel away, muttering to himself: "That's the third cockerel I have bought this week that prefers cockerels to hens!" |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
James Bond walks into a bar
He looks around, and takes a seat next to a very attractive women. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "Been given this state-of-the-art watch. I'm testing it." The intrigued women says "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?" Bloke explains "It uses brain waves to talk to me telepathically". The lady says "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you are not wearing any panties." The women laughs and replies, "Well , it must be broken because I am wearing panties" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast" |
Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
Why don't A Flock Of Seagulls ever tour the Middle East? Because Iran's so far away.
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