Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

It's been two days since Curiosity landed on Mars.

Cats of the world have rejoiced and can sleep with both eyes closed, safe in the knowledge that the notorious serial killer can't touch them for a while.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Nothing beats a girl with really nice long hair.
Except Chris Brown.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

What is the opposite of Imagination?

I have no idea.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

I approached a sales assistant today.

"Hi, sorry. Do you mind if I ask a really silly question?"

"Not at all" she smiled.

"What is Michael Jackson times six?"

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

A Thriller!

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

"Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so f***ing wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted. I was keeping the umbrella.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

I'd packed my stuff and I was leaving, as I stepped through the front door the wife shouted "I want you to suffer a slow and painful death!"

"Oh, so you want me to stay now!" I replied

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

at a irish wedding the dj asked the married men to stand beside the person that made there life worth living


the barman was nearly crushed to death

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

My wife said to me today "I want bigger boobs it only costs £3000".

I replied "just rub some toilet paper round your nipples".

"What" she said, "rubbing toilet paper round my nipples, how does that make my boobs bigger?".

I replied " I don't know but it's done wonders for your ass!".

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."