The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Welcome the Comedy Club, the only place of SV650.org to post your own, your very own comedy stylings.

Usual rules apply. Keep it clean and play nice and enjoy the fun.

Please post your jokes and amusing videos here. Jokes posted anywhere else will be removed.

The thread will be purged regularly in a similar way to the mega thread.

Thanks Mods and Admins.

*Please note we are unable to provide any guarantee that posted material in this thread, will actually be funny

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

okay who's going to get a warning???

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

What does Jeremy Clarkson call 100 Unison officials at the bottom of the sea?

A good start

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Haha

Who's fastest person in Reverse?
Jeremy Clarkson

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWatq8DEDqw



This is very naughty and I do not condone this kind of behaviour.[-X

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Yeah, it's completely wrong. An SA80 sounds nothing like that.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

What do you call a bear with no parents?

Rupert the *******.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Please nobody tell me this is a fake, Farmers eh one too many ciders and a side bet later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=EBWfBqRDbrM

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

what the f?

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Stupid f***ing ****

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what do chinese builders and south african farmers have in common.

Blicks.

N.B. this is simply international word play and not intended as a racist joke in any way..

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

What do women and dog poo have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Not sure if this should be in Comedy or the Sinking of the Euro thread:

A small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Italy. The mayor of the Italian town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said: "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Italian town. He was simply amazed at the Italian mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors; it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Italian mayor said: "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied: "No."

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

At last!
A wind turbine producing some heat:

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/image...billy_muir.jpg
http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/image...turbine304.jpg

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Lol nice one Puny

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Went on a date with a blind girl last night. It was brilliant, she paid for everything, including my trip to the states.

She'll be livid when she finds out.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

:lol:

Good one Dave

http://youtu.be/IfeyUGZt8nk

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Just brilliant!

Pete ;)

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

sure is, wonder what you were looking for when you found that dave eh? ;)

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Gordon ramsay's butt crack , duh!

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Guido The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed, this time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again in a loud voice, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on Curry powder?


He was in a Korma for two weeks!

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

What about the guy who overdosed on chilli powder..

Frostbite.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

The true meaning of Christmas:
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick stood up and said: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put biscuits and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office.We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory.When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing:
“What A Friend We Have in Jesus”.
Then we all go to the Bahamas.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Ow crap, that is the funniest thing I've seen in ages. I was getting fed up at the start but it just got better and better. Great work that man!

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

No one does movies like Sky Movies.

Apart from The Pirate Bay.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

I'm so sick of Christians appropriating pagan festivals and deities. Just found out Cliff Richard was originally the pagan god of war.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Posted on behalf of Quedos (Shes been blocked at work)


David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night, he found one such lady in a pub. He said "I'm Prime Minister of Great Britain how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" Her reply? "well prime minister if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my thong as low as my wages. your **** as hard as the times I'm living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me tha way you have screwed the pensioners then it won't cost u a fricking penny."

:o

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Why would a prostitute pay tax?

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

Would it be to pay for a General Erection?;)

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Badoom tish

; )

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Vat?
Possibly council tax

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Where do evil shapes go? Prism

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

I'm hoping Bob doesn't have a small moustache and megalomania...

http://vimeo.com/25845008

Be sure to watch the the credits.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.
One day she goes up and knocks on the door.
A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
... The guy is amused and decides to humour her
a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there,"
and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table.
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad
Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,
"Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said "You don't take our relationship seriously, it's over".

"Can you finish your sentence, over" I replied into my cup and string.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

The Harley Mechanic & the Heart Surgeon:
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, ‘Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?’ The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, ‘So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,700 a year and you make $1,700,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?’
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic… ‘Try doing it with the engine running’.

Re: The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
 

^ weirdly true