Cruel newbie jokes
 

Watching the John Culshaw show on the TV the other night reminded me of the cruel jokes we played on a member of our team

I sent him to the builders merchant for a can of Tar Tan paint. He got the obvious reaction :rolleyes:

We convinced him that Wales had switched to the Euro. He ordered a drink at a hotel in Port Talbot and asked 'Do you accept £'s'

Had us in stitches :smt044

My brother works for BT and all the new guys are sent on an endless search for a component for one store to another

So what's your best gag been, either by you or on you:p

Re: Cruel newbie jokes
 

We had a cruel joke we played on noobies in an office many years ago. Its was a very loud and very hectic telesales office and you had to be able to stand the heat so you had to have a test of fire to start off.

Went like this... I'd be training the new guy. Another person would say to him "if you wanna get on Spidey's good side ask him about his sister" (to clarify, i wasnt called spidey then and in real life i dont have a sister so we could be as cruel as we wanted to about this fictional person)
Sometimes they be told she was the England Footabll team's new coach and it was very hush hush...or... she was a concert pianist. Either way i was very proud of her and loved talking about her or giving free tickets to her concerts etc. and the noobie should bring it up casually like.

Well this one young indian kid was told the pianist lie on his 3rd or 4th night and asked me about it. Only for me to say to him "ARE YOU TAKING THE F***ING P*** PAL? DO YOU THINK THAT EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY????? MY SISTER WAS BORN WITH NO ARMS...IF THIS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE???!!!!!" And i'd stand up and throw my phone at the floor while i did this.
I told you it was a test by fire.
Then i'd sit down, head in my hands as my body shook (with laughter) and he thought i was crying.

now most other guys we did this to would say "but he tod me to say it" and point out the culprit who set him up. Others would get really angry at that person, one or 2 even threw a punch at them for utting then up to this. Most would eventually see everyone else stifling their giggles and cotton on.
Well this indian kid, bless his heart, didnt know what to do, burst into tears himself and ran out the door!

i kept the small amount of wages he had earnt in an envelope for him in my desk for weeks hoping he;d call and ask for the money at least, we just never heard from him again. Poor kid!

One guy turned around and said "my sisters in a wheelchair mate, you get used to it and help them live as normal a life as they can" and i felt like crap...and he burst out laughing and he had turned the joke on me, just like that. Classy move, we all liked him after that.

Re: Cruel newbie jokes
 

hehe a guy I work with used to do that, another one he pulled was when he worked as a fishmongers, he gave this apprentice a big old stinky fish in a plastic bag and a letter and told him to deliver the fish to the bank...the letter read 'this is a robbery, gimme all our money or I'll slap you about with a mouldy fish'.

Sending them to a shop for a 'long weight' or stripey paint's always a laugh.

Re: Cruel newbie jokes
 

the classic sending the apprentice for a long stand.
my dad used to do one which involved a metal bucket & sheeting and elecrtic shock - the toilet was out of order and you had to use this - painful i believe.
also welded some guys boots the steel rafters a few flights up where you couldn't lean over to undo them. stuck up there for a few hours ( they didn't like him and it was the days before safety harness etc)

Re: Cruel newbie jokes
 

About ten years ago* I was head push bike mechanic in a local Bath bike shop, mainly fixing £200 Saracens and the odd £500 Giant or Kona. Anyway, the boss called me into his office to have a chat with me about my inappropriate behaviour towards the useless and idle work experience kid we had dumped on us. :smt116

Apparently sending him to the boss to ask for several items had become increasingly annoying, while the boss was doing that weeks (or days, I had no idea) banking. The kid was your average year ten lad and he thought working in a bike shop would be easy, so he slacked and really got my goat. :smt009

Things I sent him off to get. :grin:

The ubiquitous Let handed Screw driver.
A long weight for the wheel truing stand.
A long stand.
A bucket of steam for a steam cleaner (we wanted him to clean a manky second hand bike and the boss gave him a kettle!).

Then things got silly and the kid just kept going, I think he may have cottoned on, but was too bored to do anything else. I eventually sent him off to ask for an adjustable spanner that worked on old imperial nuts and bolts. The work shop phone rang just as he got back and I was asked to join the boss out the back for a chat. :smt105

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. A few months later the boss had a motorbike accident that broke his wrist and he vowed that he was giving up two wheels altogether. After working his notice, he went off to be an office admin. I think he was glad to see the back of us lot, a load of hippy mountain bikers and students who all worked cash in hand! :compcrash:



*Actually,it was longer ago than that, damn I feel old... :(

Re: Cruel newbie jokes
 

I spent a summer many years ago working in an abbatoir. The lads sent me to the hardware shop for a "Long Weight".

Now, I'm not the brightest bunny on the farm, but I had heard that one before. Now, next door to the hardware shop was the best cafe in town.

So, an hour later, literally with egg on my face (and a bit of brown sauce) I returned to work with a note from the harware shop saying they were out of stock and I should return the next day once a new long weight arrived.

Oddly, I wasn't asked to go again!

Pete ;)

Re: Cruel newbie jokes
 

Not really a prank but just got back from tour.
There was an outspoken american fella who was in charge of lights lets call him Geoff. I walked in one day and said good morning. He just looked at me and pointed at his lighting truss where every light was hung facing the wrong way, he then pointed to this local crew guy who was going down the truss turning them round the right way.
The local guy clocked on that Geoff was having another pop at him and grumbled something.

Next thing I know Eugene is shouting: 'Hey you!!!, Yeah you I need you over there walk to your right, keeping walking, a bit more'
What everyone else had clocked onto but he hadn't was that Geoff was directing him straight out the exit.
As soon as he stepped outside Geoff shouted: 'And don't you f**king come back for the load out'

Re: Cruel newbie jokes
 

Verbal Reference Forms...

Re: Cruel newbie jokes
 

send the newbie into the boss's office with an axe and a note saying
give us the rest of the day off or ill chop up your desk ya barsteward
boss went along with it and ripped him a new ar5ehole then sent him to the officers mess for a nut smart officer (say it fast) strangly the boss then invited me into the office for a chat

Re: Cruel newbie jokes
 

As a wee inoccent student nurse, I was sent to the porters office for a " hymen perforator". I couldn't work out why it was so funny.....;)