“Rude Awakening”
It is 6:45 in the morning and somebody has a mobile phone alarm going off in their pocket , I huff to myself as my head has it`s own drum solo going on and think to myself “What utter Bastage sets an alarm for that time of the morning ?” , I pull the covers over my head and ignore it , it stops and silence ensues , I settle into a slumber again and it goes off again ……… FFS somebody is gonna get a hoofing for this . It quietens again , then goes off and then in horror I recognize the annoying alarm tone to be my own
, I know that after 5 or 6 attempts it goes into alarm off mode and I decide that discretion is the better part of valor and decide to ignore it til it times out so that nobody knows it was mine . Eventually people start to waken and Paul states “My eyes are as Red as the Devil`s Scrotum”
, I reply back “That`s what you get for looking at it” , somebody says “who`s bloody alarm was that ?” and I decide to admit to it . Everyone goes down for breakfast and I am all at sea and can hardly walk . The stairs are perilous and I can smell that full English waiting for me , the smell of Sausages , Eggs , Bacon drives me downwards …….. I walk into the eating room and the place falls silent as everyone stares at the shambling mess of a human being before them and there are plenty or Orgers laughing at my expense here ,
even some of the Grockles here find it funny , I shamble into the kitchen and realization finally dawns on me , it`s self service and there is a choice of Cereal or Toast ……….. no full English , I still swear I can smell it , but it is not here , I settle for Muesli and a Coffee and sit down , I try my best to eat it and Puny walks past and says “you want an Egg on top of that” , I start to retch like a puppy and just about hold it down . I go back into the kitchen and abandon the Muesli and decide to make some toast …. This is the worlds slowest toaster and the bread is in there for about 7 minutes and comes out ever so slightly darker than when it went in , I say to Yorkie Chris “Bloody Hell , does this Toaster have a 40 watt lightbulb in it or what?” , he laughs and says “Nah they took that out and stuck one of those Energy Efficient ones in there” . AndyBrad turns up and hands me a Berrocca tablet and explains it`s a hangover cure , I drop it in a mug and add water and give it a go , he then says “Oh Yeah and don`t be alarmed if it turns your Pi$$ Orange”
. It does the job and I feel better`ish .
I return to the eating room and spot a game , I have a flashback to the night before and decide to bring to the attention of those with cameras , shhhhhhh!!!!!!
Everybody packs and we all say our goodbyes and organize who is going where and I head off for the M6 , I have Metallica playing and pick my way past a few people and wave goodbye and then spot my turn off and blast it ………. I peer in my mirrors and Smudge is the last person I saw as he turns off , I am officially now on my own and riding solo .
The M6 passes without incident and I am onto another album , there are some dangerous drivers on the Motorway and I decide to stay in the fast lane as the middle lane is full of dodgy lane swappers . I eventually get onto the M56 and Gatter along at a fair pace and before I know it the bike flicks an Amber light on requesting more go juice , I pull into Chester services and fill up , there seems to be some guy on a Fireblade in full power rangers kit and he is hovering like he is trying to catch my attention , he nods at me as he puts his earplugs in and I nod back , he starts his bike up and gives it a few high spirited blips in “Oooh can you hear my loud can?” fashion ………….. I think to myself “You are not even in the same league mate , in fact your league is so far away from my league , that if your league were to explode , I wouldn`t hear the bang for 3 weeks” . I start my bike up but don`t rev it , it burbles into life and I let him depart before me , He is giving it all the dangly lean angles on the roundabout and seems to be posing it up and enjoying himself , he gasses it back down onto the M56 and I think “Yippeee he`s going in my direction” , I give him a head start and make sure there is nothing incriminating behind me or on the Horizon and I wind the SV up into top gear and go hammering past him with the Can on full Moose Bellow , job done .
I hit the A55 and it`s quite clear and I am welcomed home by something that always greets me in fine fashion , my own personal storm cloud that follows me along the A55 and insists on raining as hard as it can on me , great
. I am followed by quite a big and square menacing Vauxhall Vectra who has arrived from nowhere and alarm bells are going off , I pull over to the nearside lane and it flies past me doing over a ton , there are pink Playboy bunnies on the back window , scarves hanging out the windows , 2 girls in it and on the back the car has vinyls on the boot saying “I`m pink , I`m hot , I`m everything your Not” …………. Classy , it is also being followed by a Poxhall Corsa that has been lowered with an exhaust the size of a dustbin on it and all sorts of modifications that Halfords can offer the spotty faced , big eared Neanderthal driving after the girls ………. My mind is saying “don`t do it , don`t do it” and I give in and pull out behind them , they are hammering it and I follow at a nice pace as I know what is up ahead , the St.Asaph roadworks bottleneck . The traffic slows down and I play my trump card , the Filter . You may be pink and hot and everything I am not but guess what Love , I`m not stuck in traffic am I ? I get to the head of the traffic and get a hoof on and head for home . I eventually get to my turn off and arrive home , I get in and call my sister to bring the Dog home . Everything is unpacked and the Dog is dropped off and wanders right past me without a care in the world and crashes out in front of the fire with a fat belly . I decide that I seriously need a kip and climb into bed , utterly wasted . I am drifting off into a sweet slumber , no bike sounds , no phone calls , no snoring or farts , no A$$ piano and the house is quiet , it has been a good weekend spent with top people .
I hear the Dog come padding up the stairs and she enters my bedroom and walks around the bed , I am so tired and don`t even open my eyes to tell her to do one , A presence is in front of my face and I can hear sniffing followed by the sounds of paws going down the stairs …………. Wait a minute ? was that Steak and Peppercorn Sauce I could smell then ?
I never did call my sister back .