I awoke this morning feeling somewhat Ill . I had a massive headache the night before and took a Painkiller .......... and it was this Painkiller that made me Ill I think . It was an Ibruprofen and it was my last one , I was talking to the Badgeress on the phone and trying to pop this little Pink bugger out of the packet ........... and it shot out onto the Kitchen floor . Now doing what men do best , I just picked it up , rubbed it on my T-Shirt (a very well known Germicide if I may hasten to add) and popped it in my gob and swigged it down with a Yard of Milk ............ I spent the evening drifting in and out of snoozedom on the settee and eventually went to bed .
I awoke this morning in the small hours and something is amiss , my intestines are gurgling and I have a slight concern , I shrug it off as maybe being a tad hungry and drift off back to sleep . Eventually the alarm goes off and I awaken properly , and the first thing I have ............... is the urge to really really Fart . A proper good dirty one as well . I test the water as it were and slam my buttox shut immediately
. This is not going to be good as I know what is occurring ...... I Penguin it over to the toilet (just imagine a Penguin walking) and deaden the fall with a good Boxing Glove size of rolled-up paper , I sit down on the cold seat and relax ................. Damn , all I can say is it was like that bit out of Dumb and Dumber when that dude gets spiked with the Laxative
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbDiujuv6rQ . This went on for ages and I think I emptied my intestines from top to bottom ............. twice .
I went back to bed after calling in to work and fell asleep . I arose about 1pm and my limbs are aching beyond belief , I can hardly walk and somebody is scraping the back of my eyeballs with the tines of a fork . My mouth tastes very watery and I have some disturbing burps . My electric meter runs out and I decide to shuffle down to the shops . I am standing in the queue of Blue rinse elderlies who are chatting about the cost of Cat food and how their bunions are giving them gyp and I get the gurgle of Doom
. I manage to get the Electric and start to shuffle the 2 blocks to my house trying to use my legs from the knee down . I pass a gent in the street and he is smoking , I get a whiff of his ciggie and I go to chuck up , strange really as I used to smoke and have been known to still have a sly one once in a while . I double over and managed to not hurl , I stand up and wipe the sweat off my top lip and all of a sudden .... GLOIK!!!! "Uh-Oh" .....UBBLE "Oh My" , shuffle shuffle shuffle FLUBBERBUBBABUBBAGE "OOOOOH NOOOOOO!!!" . I am eyeing bushes and alleyways up in case I have to go Code Brown but I am sure I can make it . It took way too many attempts to get the key in the door and I am sweating like a Glass Blowers Ar5e . The Dog greets me in the usual fashion by standing on her back legs right in my path of travel and she is unceremoniously persuaded to knock it right off by me yelling "GEDDOUDAFUGGINWAYYASTUPIDMUTT" and I begin the ascent to salvation . The Thundermug welcomes my load with an open mouth and I am pulled back from the Abyss . I have never felt so bad in my life .
A snooze and a sympathy call from the Badgeress and I feel up to eating something , the choice is "Cheerios" drowned in milk and a cuppa . I munch away happily and feel a bit of respite . I snooze again and around 10pm my eyes fly open and it`s on again ...... I hurdle over the Dog and clatter up the stairs and slam myself down on the Loo and begin the "BumChug" of Doom . Now I have eaten some strange things in my time , in some strange places and probably not the best of hygienic conditions but who would have known that a Pill picked up off my own Kitchen floor would have produced this effect . The floor was bleached on Monday night as well and the Pizza I had for tea was well and truly cooked so I am ruling out a touch of food poisoning ............ as I write this , there is a disturbance in the Force and I have a feeling this is not over by a long shot
