[SV650rules]

“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!”

“One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said: ‘you’re getting warmer’.”

“Hopefully, I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.”

“My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her ‘I can’t believe she’s not better’.”

“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”

“I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me – until I fell into a printing press.”

“My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.”

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”

“As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it really.”

“Some people say that firefighters deserve more money, but apparently a poll was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.”

“So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.”

“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.”

“About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”