Edited for you Simon:
Fellow Guildford cabinet members, I have returned from my tour of duty to spread our superior and awe inspiring ways to the new NNW Guildford (Mid/North Wales). Here follows a brief summary of events ...
1. Left at 11am ish Friday to meet Minister of Cakes and Chris "Fugly" on the M40. They're heading up in a van as as obviously allowing a woman to drive on Welsh roads is an excellent idea, especially with no brake lights and she'd already trashed the traction control by the time she got onto the M25. Van was filled with many useful items such as 5 bras, 10 pairs of knickers, Scrabble, a chocolate cake, a dairy free lemon cake and a banana loaf, plus many rashers of bacon and sausages. Unfortunately she forgot to bring any salad so I had to go out and buy some.
2. Arrived at mansion rented house in the evening. Off loaded bikes. Starting drinking cider, then got an SOS call from Hong. Back in van and off to the rescue. Minister for Cakes drove us as it was dark and those roads are quite tricky for a man to negotiate, she is such a good driver and I am hopeless, especially after 3 sips of cider which leaves me very tiddly.
3. First days riding started with the hilarity of bump starting Hong's bike. I'm a bit chubby so it was easier for me to do it. Never have I ridden in such a challenging environment, there were traffic lights and roundabouts and everything, I get so confused. So I decided the best thing to do was to ride as though I was on a child's tricycle and was carrying a ming vase on my head and to not go over 25mph at any point. Minister for Cakes kindly agreed to look after me and I tried not to let on how scared I was. In the end she decided it would be safest if I just pretended to ride a bike instead.
4. Returned home and knocked together a Rogan Josh with the Minister of Cakes, I gallantly chopped the onions so her mascara didn't run. Found out the house was infested with spiders as big as dinner plates so the boys all hid in a toilet while Minister for Cakes disposed of spiders in a humane way and we all nearly pooed our pants in fear. Smoked lots of fags.
5. Day 2 saw Paul the 6th and Rob head home and Clare hang back to keep Fugly entertained by letting him wear her lingerie on his face and play with the Scrabble tiles.
Hong adorned Clare's sequin bikini from AR12, because it was the closest he was ever going to get to her breasts. Christopher, Hong and El Presidino pootled along some roads at a sensible speed while Minister for cakes made a picnic and bought me more salad. Minister for cakes then tore round country roads in the transit trying to break the land speed record while Fugly quietly whimpered in the footwell on the passenger side.
I've never ridden so slow in my life, and now realise that a lowered BMW F650GS is by far the best bike for all riding conditions, especially with a top box full of Gummy Bears.
The best part is that the Minister for Cakes overtook me in the transit on a dual carriageway but I managed not to cry.
6. Returned back to the mansion for a Minister of Cakes made spag bol which required quite a bit of jiggly bosom action and a food processor which Hong enjoyed (but I gave it a miss), alcohol and screen of Momento for Fugly's benefit! I got a lovely foot massage and must now buy myself some Elemis Foot Cream as it has such a nice scent and my feet are so soft now.
7. Got up to the third fried brekkie at which I proved that I'm rubbish at correctly frying an egg and I should just let the Minister For Cakes tell me what to do so I never make any mistakes.
Summary: Minister for Cakes is an awsome driver and maker of spag bol and I plan to promote her immediately.