how do you know you are a man..... - SV650.org

03-02-06, 04:37 PM

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A MAN?

1. OPENING JARS
She's struggling. You take it from her, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE
Beckham free kicks are camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

3. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE
Blunt, is it? Hand it here, love. No, I don't need a sharpener; you think I can't whittle?

4. GOING TO THE TIP
A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
rubbish - noisy destruction.

5. DRINKING UP -- Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

6. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD
In the shed, solely to stir paint with.

7. HAVING A SCAR
Ideally a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?"..... "Nah".

8. NODDING AT COPPERS
A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it
says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

9. USING POWER TOOLS
Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a tab? Superb.

10. KICKING A FOOTBALL AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR
Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE
And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT
Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST
And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING
Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS
Ideally, BandQ would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT
Ok, so it's for paying the plumber later, but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE
Unlike birds, we get straight to the point.
"Alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? Bay Mare, it is. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING
Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that?
No, because his car has no reverse gear which, technically,
makes you the world's best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT
Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut
while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH
"A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, woman?"

21. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO
A visual code that says:
"that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, man-sized log".

03-02-06, 04:48 PM

lol

timwilky · 03-02-06, 04:55 PM

As well as all the aforementioned traits. A man also has to take responsibilities for his actions. I tell this to my lad everytime he fecks up. I don't mind him fecking up, I just wish he would stop to think of the consequences first.

You know he is growing up when he got his first NIP this week. Hasn't told me but his mum showed me. 45 in a 30. Come on son be a man and fess up to the old man.

03-02-06, 05:01 PM

03-02-06, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by timwilky

You know he is growing up when he got his first NIP this week. Hasn't told me but his mum showed me. 45 in a 30. Come on son be a man and fess up to the old man.

But youre so scary!

03-02-06, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by keithd

8. NODDING AT COPPERS
A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it
says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

Ha ha, I did that this morning. Chap waved back and gave a respectful smile. Mind you, it was a bike cop with an open face lid coming the other way

(on what looked like some monstrous Harley tourer- a sort of chopper with a dirty great unaerodynamic screen).

03-02-06, 07:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by keithd

5. DRINKING UP -- Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

I just end up leaving alone when i do this

JediGoat · 03-02-06, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by keithd

6. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD
In the shed, solely to stir paint with.

So, so, so true.

Normally kept alongside the old square of plyboard used for mixing cement on

Jo -> who uses a old chopstick to stir paint with

03-02-06, 08:51 PM

Keithd wrote.

Quote:

21. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO
A visual code that says:
"that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, man-sized log".

U sure it's a newspaper and not a diary? Perhaps the Captains log?

03-02-06, 04:37 PM	#1
keithd Guest Posts: n/a	how do you know you are a man..... HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A MAN? 1. OPENING JARS She's struggling. You take it from her, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE Beckham free kicks are camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 3. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE Blunt, is it? Hand it here, love. No, I don't need a sharpener; you think I can't whittle? 4. GOING TO THE TIP A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 5. DRINKING UP -- Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. 6. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD In the shed, solely to stir paint with. 7. HAVING A SCAR Ideally a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?"..... "Nah". 8. NODDING AT COPPERS A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 9. USING POWER TOOLS Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a tab? Superb. 10. KICKING A FOOTBALL AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Pass the pork scratchings. 13. CARVING THE ROAST And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 14. WINKING Turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS Ideally, BandQ would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 16. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT Ok, so it's for paying the plumber later, but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? Bay Mare, it is. Seven. See ya." 18. PARALLEL PARKING Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car has no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver. 19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 20. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, woman?" 21. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO A visual code that says: "that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, man-sized log".

03-02-06, 04:55 PM	#3
timwilky Member Mega Poster Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Not in Yorkshire. (Thank God) Posts: 4,116	As well as all the aforementioned traits. A man also has to take responsibilities for his actions. I tell this to my lad everytime he fecks up. I don't mind him fecking up, I just wish he would stop to think of the consequences first. You know he is growing up when he got his first NIP this week. Hasn't told me but his mum showed me. 45 in a 30. Come on son be a man and fess up to the old man. __________________ Not Grumpy, opinionated.