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Idle Banter For non SV and non bike related chat (and the odd bit of humour - but if any post isn't suitable it'll get deleted real quick). There's also a "U" rating so please respect this. Newbies can also say "hello" here too. |
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02-10-06, 03:54 PM
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Guest
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haynes manuals.
does this strike a chord??
New postPosted: Mon 02 Oct,2006 15:15 Post subject: Haynes Manuals Reply with quote Add User to Ignore List found this one in my old emails... "As described in Chapter 7" is the one that give me most grief Smile ANYONE WHO HAS USED A HAYNES MANUAL TO WORK ON THEIR CAR WILL RELATE TO THESE. Subject: Haynes Manuals Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips, then beat repeatedly with hammer, anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell, matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez, what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "b*****r" repeatedly under your breath. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife: "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one." Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an AA Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want! For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!? Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "min |
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02-10-06, 04:28 PM
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#2 |
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Trinity
Mega Poster
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Guildford
Posts: 8,027
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Confused me at the start. But there's some good stuff in there!
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02-10-06, 05:18 PM
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Guest
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that funny
and all correct!
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02-10-06, 08:14 PM
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Guest
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Sounds about right
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29-09-07, 03:53 PM
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#5 |
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Guest
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Re: haynes manuals.
all true
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29-09-07, 09:06 PM
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#7 |
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Guest
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Re: haynes manuals.
Lol very good
 And leads me to a question. Are haynes the best manuals to get. I've seen another SV650 workshop manual for sale (cant remember the name) Is haynes the best one to buy?
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