For lovers of words

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet

I love these things... here are some more (I hope I've deleted all those already included in your post):

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was -- -- Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island -- -- but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker -- -- but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class -- -- because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder -- -- and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, -- -- it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road -- -- and was cited for littering.
8.
9. Two silk worms had a race -- -- they ended up in a tie.
10.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall -- -- the police are looking into it.
12. Atheism --- is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway -- -- One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball bat kept getting bigger -- -- then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said -- -- ‘Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital -- -- his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17.
18.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray -- -- is now a seasoned veteran.
20.
21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. -- -- in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary -- -- they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults -- -- practice safe sects!

21, duplicate
But, well done, some good ones there.

a-ha! What a pair of anoraks!!

The Edski likey

[ophic]

blonde that sat on a bacon slicer - disaster

Can't beat the spell chequer poem for me....

I have a spelling chequer.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour
spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flair,
Their are no fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.

I take it you already know
Of touch and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there,
And dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.

A dreadful language? Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk it when I was five.
And yet to read it, the more I've tried,
I haven't learned it at fifty-five.

Mark Twain