Rictus

[rictus01]

Update time.

Well where to begin, it’s now 31 days since the event, 25 days since first surgery.

I’ve decided to look at this in two ways, the physical and the psychological.

First of the Physical.

Well my world is smaller, everything is harder to do and has more pain involved, so it’s a case of figuring out how to do stuff with the least amount of pain payback, which most times means moving around on my backside, even after only having this cast for four days I can see a worrying amount of muscle wastage, in fact just about anything I do takes far more effort than it should and leaves me drained, so where has all my strength gone.
Pain, now this is tricky, I’ve had broken bones before and would have expected the pain to have at least leveled off some what by now, and indeed for short periods of time in the right position it does, but then comes back with vengeance at the slightest provocation.

The Price of Sleep.
I know I can’t manage without sleep, been there already, but it’s now a case of dragging myself upstairs (yes on my backside) which tires me out by the time I’ve got to my bed, a hot water bottle to focus on until I fall to sleep, that will give me between 2 & 4 hours, then the awakening! This will be with a shock, no dosing time, no snoozing, nothing like that, just a sharp pain needing the leg to be moved, anywhere from two to five times a night will see me through.

Perhaps if you imagine one of those times you catch just under your knee cap, the strobe light effect around your vision, the world rocking like on a small boat at sea, you’ll have some sort of idea.

This is followed by the journey back downstairs, and an hour of two of shifting the leg about to calm everything down, generally I’m more in control by lunchtime, although it doesn’t follow any set pattern.

As to the pain itself, well gone is the sharp pains caused by the cast rubbing (although this could be a problem again soon) and indeed the deep bone pain seems to be controllable, however most of the pain is in the knee itself and ranges from tear inducing to the feel of ice water being dripped on and around the knee, now the worrying thing about this is they haven’t even looked at this yet nor plan to until after the 18th Dec.

the Psychological.

Now this is where I perhaps reveal more of myself than is prudent, but to be honest I don’t know another way so here goes.

It’s a game, it’s not my, it’s not my injury, it’s a stress, a test, a trial if you will. Take one man, add broken this smashed that, pain, then change it and see how he does ?

I do feel like I’m playing a role trying to act as the normal me (whatever that is) in abnormal circumstances, and I can play the role fine for limited periods of time or until a pain will wipe away all my resolve, then it’s back to square one and start to build the persona again.

I haven’t really given to much thought to long term, I will ride again, but whether I’m the same physically & mentally is something I’ll just have to wait and see.

Positive mental attitude, my secret weapon, give yourself and achievable goal each day, this could be anything from making a phone call to a trip to the supermarket (OK I’ve only done one of those). About 20-30 min of concentration is my current limit if I’m applying myself, although distraction can be several hours. The visitors and well wishers have been great and I draw much strength from all that, but I can’t help but feel the world is passing me by, which lets face it at the moment it is. Things take on far more weight that they should and I find myself getting depressed because of simple things like someone didn’t phone when they said they would, silly I know but that’s just how I feel.

I’m starting to realize just how long this recovery road will be and contemplating the journey to the end is still beyond me, but positive mental attitude, another achievable goal awaits tomorrow I think I’ll try going up all five sets of stairs to my computer upstairs as my challenge, well that’s the plan anyway.

Just sitting here for the last 30 minutes has rewarded me with a building pain that I’ve got to go and deal with now, so next time people.

Cheers Mark.

[Stu]

Don't know what to say, but I admire your strength. I'm sure it must be hard that the progress to you seems slow. But I'm sure it is steadily there, you will make it through this, to be yourself once more. Everyone is rooting for you.
Stuart

Get your doc to prescribe that traditional English cure for everything - 'a stiff upper lip' .

You know as well as I do that every minute fecking hurts and seems to take for ever, but the hours and the days still go past. You're a month down the track to recovery, so keep at it. I expect these words to come back and haunt me after my op . . .

[Biker Biggles]

A bit soon perhaps,but another goal to work at could be your compensation claim.Keep a diary of all your symptoms and problems,and start putting a monetry value on them.It can sound a bit limp six months later to say "I was in a lot of pain" but a report written on the day(s) carries a lot more weight.There should be a substantial payback at some stage,which may help to get you through it now.Best wishes.

The Biker Biggles' idea of a diary is a good one... partly because when you are 18 years down the road and need to see the umpteenth specialist - you can give that to read rather than having to repeatedly explain your case history.

Time heals all wounds, but when time slows to a crawl, or even stands still that cliche is nothing more that a sanctimonious load of hot air.
Everything has become a challenge, a test of you engineering inginuity and adaptation. How to sit, be comfortable, move, bring your cuppa from the kitchen to the sofa. Your life is now the Krypton Factor and there's no prize for second place.

However, it can also be extrordinarily liberating.

So there are things you cannot do, but there's alot you can do - some of which you may never have thought of before simply because you never had cause to. Enjoy these discoveries and moments of triumph as they are the building blocks to staying sane.

Even the blackest time has a positive eventually. It can be a tool so use it - even if that means breaking down in a sobbing ball of pain, it can wear you out so you may snatch a bit of well earned sleep.

Be ready to point out to people things that you can do, and never be afraid to admit there's something you can't. Ignorance is bliss and people will be only too eager to accept how well you seem to be coping. Unless they've been there they cannot relate and so will not know how to adjust their thinking.
To fall from the pedestal others may place you on will hurt less than your knee. Appearences can be deceptive - and it's not nice to lie to friends, so if you're having a **** time, tell em once in a while.

Yes you will ride again, but it will be different, you will be different, your outlook, priorities, reservations... everything changes over time, and time changes everything.
The trick to it all is adapt and survive.

[rictus01]

Well I made it, four flights of stairs and three landings, maybe not the greatest of achievements but I'm happy to have managed it.

I'm typing this from my desktop upstairs

Cheers Mark.

No amount of words can take away your pain but remember this that what you write regarding your injuries, recovery and your positive mental attitude will and does afffect those around you who care and want nothing more than you to be fit and healthy riding with the rest of us. Like K wrote earlier on there are things that you can do, focus on those and the rest will fall in to place. Yes time is a great healer and we all want to rush it sometimes but be the tortoise in this case rather than the hare!

As ever anything you need help with just drop me a line.

Hey Mark - Nice to hear your goals are working for you. It sounds like your day is full of them working how to deal with your pain and get where you want. I cant write more than what the others have said but can only reiterate their points and pass on my well wishes. Hows the day time TV going - or have you found other ways to deal with your time?

Grant

[anna]

Mark,

Your doing just great .. I've not been in your position to be able to sympathise but I can send you a that your so fond of!

Sorry I haven't been able to get over to see you again however, work hours are limiting social hours I have right now but, when I have a bit of spare time will be round to see that green cast of yours!

[rictus01]

Sorry guys, just couldn't get off last night, so today has been a bit rough.

If my words seem a little depressive or dark, well that's just where I am at the moment, once I've got good news that will be posted as well.


Just to add, over the last 24 hours I've become aware of the broken left index finger aching (which up to now hadn't cause any issue so far, also a pain in my right hip (favouring that one at the moment), no goal today, just getting through is enough for now.


Cheers Mark.