The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Local girl Joanna Mow leaps to her death on her birthday...




Your middle name wouldn't be Ronny would it Jo?

[Geodude]

President Barack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital …………..

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

He greets one.


The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

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.
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'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

[punyXpress]

As the old song goes : " Black on Black "
Try reversing it.

Geodude , that made me chuckle

borrowed from another forum!



A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for
his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration,
that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too
romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of
fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers
for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items,
the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go
out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen
the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to
remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed
any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to
wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they
will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with
a little bit of fur showing.

I enjoy shoving resistors up my bum when I'm ************.I think I might be a bit of an Ohmosexual.

Absolutely ****ed out of my face last night and got roped into a **** showing competition down the pub. Prizes for length, girth and weight. There was the option for an indendent adjudicator

I think I held my own.

[Dave20046]

Originally Posted by tactcom7

I enjoy shoving resistors up my bum when I'm ************.I think I might be a bit of an Ohmosexual.

ashamed to say that one made me laugh!

Originally Posted by Geodude

President Barack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital …………..

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

He greets one.


The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'