The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[punyXpress]

The Meaning of Life:

One day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.

On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
God agreed again.

Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. The last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you

Got an email from the gf last night, 'myspacebarhasstoppedworkingcanyoucomehomeandgivem eanalternative?'

'sure', I replied. So i was driving home when I couldn't help wondering 'What the hell is a ternative??'

[punyXpress]

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was right; our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building.
We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right.

We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts, wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand new clothing.

But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house, not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of London. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a tap when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza parlour.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person. Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to **** us off!

[punyXpress]

The Wine Taster
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular wine taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Naval Aviator, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old Salt tried it and said, “It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”
“That's correct,” said the boss. “Another glass, please.”
“It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
“Absolutely correct. A third glass.”
He calmly said, “It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.”
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The Aviator tried it. “It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.”

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"









About 90 students raise their hands.








"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"








About 40 students raise their hands.








"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"








About 15 students raise their hand.








"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"








Three students raise their hands.








"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"








Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.








The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."








The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"








Hamad replied, "Sh*t, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

^^^^^^ a hahh ahahahha ahahhahahah

Originally Posted by The Idle Biker

^^^^^^ a hahh ahahahha ahahhahahah

+1 proper made me laugh that one

[andrewsmith]

Originally Posted by The Idle Biker

^^^^^^ a hahh ahahahha ahahhahahah

+2

Must have Welsh and Scottish relatives

[punyXpress]

Nah - that's the Vehicle Mechanics lecture on JEEPS!

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed a store of his blood type in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and wads of US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"