The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

"When Diana died I shaved my balls... I'm not sure why".

C.McKee, Bath.

That's gotta be the funniest thing I heard in ages!

[Essex of Essex]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Originally Posted by DanDare

"When Diana died I shaved my balls... I'm not sure why".

C.McKee, Bath.

That's gotta be the funniest thing I heard in ages!

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "Did you call for me?"
The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"

She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.

"You must be new," answered the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady," he replied, "I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
I'm outta here."

Posted by Hovis where he knew better than to post it....

The European Commission has just announced an agreement

whereby English will be the official language of the European

Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded

that English spelling had some room for improvement and has

accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as

'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will

make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear

up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year

when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will

make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be

expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes

are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters

which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the

languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as

replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords

kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensi

bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi

tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali

kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey

vunted in ze forst plas.

Originally Posted by Ping

Posted by Hovis where he knew better than to post it....

i was thinking of posting it in here.......... but i thought it more of a statement than a joke

Originally Posted by hovis

i was thinking of posting it in here.......... but i thought it more of a statement than a joke

*snootles*

[Stu]

I agree with Hovis. That was quite a socio political philosophical concept definitely worthy of a much wider audience and contemplative and considered debate.
Nise to se the Nazi Mods stomping al over the proletariat

Anorak fact: four americans have legally changed their name to Santa Claus...

[tinpants]

Apologies if this has been posted before but I had it sent to me on Facebook and I very nearly p*ssed myself laughing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go