The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Australian tourist Q&A
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks Sweden)?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I
will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over
the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a
chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'


The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the
young rooster has closed the g ap.


He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the
roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will
always overcome youth and arrogance!

should bring some smiles to all y'alls faces - that is if they've not been frozen set on the ride into work this morning ... brrrrrrrr

[Stingo]

PYSCHIATRIC HOSPITAL TELEPHONE MENU

"Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital."

Please select from the following options menu:


--If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

--If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

--If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

--If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
Line so we can trace your call.

--If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

--If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
You which number to press.

--If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
Press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

--If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

--If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
Beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

--If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
Loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

--If you have low self-esteem, please hang up - our operators are too busy
To talk with you.

--If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
Down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

--If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part
By remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well, my job is done .....Your turn!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and ? He could no longer resist.


"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[dizzyblonde]

Girls Biker Bar

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Originally Posted by dizzyblonde

Girls Biker Bar

PMSL

[Essex of Essex]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may
I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in
particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not
only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be
put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side
of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the
window.