The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[littleoldman2]

And another one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZ4a...5fhUPUDGGcaeWX

[punyXpress]

I hope we don’t have a repeat of last year’s Christmas party.
They played The Twist, so I twisted.
They played Jump, so I jumped.
Then they played Come on Eileen. I was asked to leave shortly after that.

Three stages of your sex life:

Tri weekly

Try weekly

Try weakly

[BanannaMan]

While there is little doubt Shakespeare thought of Richard III as a barsteward apparently now there's DNA proof.

[punyXpress]

: Exotic holiday
My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles north of the capital.
We were stranded in a third world sh*t hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all
other women had head to toe burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.Just then, Dave the organizer suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey!

[punyXpress]

Makes sense to me !
*Psychiatrist vs. Bartender*
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
*“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under
it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”;*
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to
me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”;*
“How much do you charge?”;*
“Eighty dollars per visit,”;* replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,”;* I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. *“Why didn't you come to
see me about those fears you were having?”;* He asked.
“Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”;
“Is that so?”;* With a bit of an attitude he said, *“and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”;*
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”;*
*FORGET THE SHRINKS..*
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!*
*IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION.*

[punyXpress]

I found myself in a pub in Cork.

A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.

"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like
me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

[Richie]

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia.
I fear the Wurst

[Trev B]

A certain Beatle got his ex wife a wooden leg for Christmas,it's not her main present,just a stocking filler!!!

[punyXpress]

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas ...Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull****."