The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[BanannaMan]

Originally Posted by keith_d

Scientists have known for some time that plants feel stress. In fact they produce a wide range of chemicals in response to damage (http://jxb.oxfordjournals.org/content/52/354/1.full), and while it is more difficult to measure in plants than animals it is becoming clear that plants feel pain too.

Some of my vegetarian friends explained that one of the reasons they went veggie was the unneccessary suffering involved in meat production. Clearly they didn't realise that plants also experience pain.

So next time you meet a vegetarian tell them...

"Vegetarians, if you have any shred of humanity left, stop using the slow cooker!!"

Sounds like a good reason to give up mowing in the summer.

[Essex of Essex]

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a bayou just outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible."

[BanannaMan]

[BanannaMan]

If prisoners took pictures of themselves
Would they be called cellphies ???

[Trev B]

The sales man said to me,as one door closes,another one opens,but apart from that it's a nice little runner and cheap to insure,.....boom boom!,,

[DarrenSV650S]

Originally Posted by BanannaMan

If prisoners took pictures of themselves
Would they be called cellphies ???

No. They would be considered users/subjects of cellfies. "Cellphies" is a made-up word...

[DarrenSV650S]

Originally Posted by Trev B

The sales man said to me,as one door closes,another one opens,but apart from that it's a nice little runner and cheap to insure,.....boom boom!,,

...to which you replied "What were those explosion sounds?!"...

He went on to explain about how the doors hitting their frame would produce the "boom" noises, but it was nothing to worry about.

[BanannaMan]

Originally Posted by DarrenSV650S

No. They would be considered users/subjects of cellfies. "Cellphies" is a made-up word...

Originally Posted by DarrenSV650S

...to which you replied "What were those explosion sounds?!"...

He went on to explain about how the doors hitting their frame would produce the "boom" noises, but it was nothing to worry about.

Would you care for some cheese to go with that whine?


Did you know women like a man with a good sense of humor?
Oh wait, you're single aren't you?

[DarrenSV650S]

Originally Posted by BanannaMan

Would you care for some cheese to go with that whine?


Did you know women like a man with a good sense of humor?
Oh wait, you're single aren't you?

No I used the cellfies gag and all the girls knickers just fell off


btw it was rhum not whine

[BanannaMan]

Originally Posted by DarrenSV650S

No I used the cellfies gag and all the girls knickers just fell off

Yes,that happens to me all the time.
Feel free to use any of my jokes whenever you need to.