The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Originally Posted by Specialone

Posted on the other thread too.

Sent via the medium of interpretative dance.

[DarrenSV650S]

[DarrenSV650S]

A black woman called Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

[DarrenSV650S]

inspirational poster: “it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside…”
me: whew!!! good

inspirational poster: “…it’s who you are on the inside!”
me: ah f**k

[punyXpress]

Financial Planning explained by an Irishman.
Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said,
‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’
Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it..’
Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead donkey’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’
Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’
Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.’
Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank of Australia.

[Trev B]

I like that one,lateral thinking!!!

[SIII]

The Defective Parrot.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

[Richie]

Year 11 biology teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to tell my parents, who will complain to the principal, and then you'll be sacked!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

[keith_d]

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the risks of using of open sleighs. The assessment must consider whether an open sleigh is an appropriate and safe means of transport, and whether a single horse will provide sufficient redundancy. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before any fields may be entered. To avoid offending other faiths not participating in Christmas, we must ensure that laughter is moderate and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Shepherds planning to watch their flocks by night must ensure that appropriate high visibility clothing is worn and avoid the risk of hypothermia. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds who will need them. Please be aware of the EU Working Time Regulations and ensure that any night time watching does not exceed the permitted working hours.

Those shepherds working near the the Angel of the Lord are reminded that they must wear eye protection to BS EN166, and suitable clothing avoid potential UVA and UVB exposure to the skin.

The Angel of the Lord must also ensure that proper screens meeting BS EN1598 are in place before shining his Glory all around. Any further failure to do so will result in disciplinary proceedings.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Employee R. Further to this, exclusion of Employee R. from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

The Three Kings who are reminded that their driving hours must comply with EC Directive 3820/85 and appropriate breaks must be taken. Records must also be kept of driving hours and break times to comply with regulations. They are reminded take care when entering the Bethlehem area to avoid creating undue disturbance during the hours of darkness.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered and may be taxable. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.

Finally, for those involved in the recent case of Child J. found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed. Social Services have been engaged and will be arriving shortly to take Child J. into care for the Christmas period.


Merry Christmas Everyone

[punyXpress]

History Lesson:


PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES.THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.