The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[punyXpress]

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized
an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the
reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him
a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips ?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said,
'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.
Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter ?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44
and shot the bow tie off the piano player. That's terrific !' said the
hot shot. Got any more tips for me ?'

Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster
where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter ?' asked the younger man.
You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up,
drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

Wow !' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here.
Got any more tips ?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
'See that axle grease over there ? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared
some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter ?' asked the young man.

No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

[punyXpress]

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

[punyXpress]

MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2016

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity any more.

O have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go to, and try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!

You can do your bit by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another, I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!

[Trev B]

I like that,nice one!!!

[KingDerelict]

Having lived in the little village of Abject Poverty for some time, since moving from Chaos, I haven't done a lot of travelling. In my younger days I always dreamed that by now I would be living in Opulence, but there doesn't seem much hope now.

I've considered moving - I toyed with the idea of living in Hiding, but there were too many strange people there.

A friend of mine told me he had enjoyed living in Sin, but it's getting a bit outdated now.

Another friend moved to Squalor, but didn't enjoy it much.

Another old friend moved to Obscurity, but I haven't seen him since.

I'm sure a work colleague has a house in Denial - although he swears he hasn't.

Still, I'm planning to retire to the place that my friends tell me I belong - not sure where it is but I'm told it's called something like Clowedcookooland...

[littleoldman2]

Oh good a new neighbour

[punyXpress]

This time with a picture:

[BanannaMan]

Michael McIntyre on American English.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wSw3IWRJa0

[punyXpress]

New Country Doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and
see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen
banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once
did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the
church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

[BanannaMan]

He'd get my vote.