The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[KingDerelict]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

to watch Wales play in the quarter-finals.


(alternatively, given the week's other big story...)


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

The Englishman didn't like it and wanted to leave, so the others had to leave with him.

[KingDerelict]

In order to bring some sense back to the Brexit debate, I thought I’d take a look at what the UK was like in 1972, the last year that the UK was outside the European Union (or EEC as it was then), and compare it with the UK in 2016, (before the Brexit vote), to see what 42 years in the EU had done for us.

1972: Spurs beat Wolves to win the UEFA Cup.
2016: Liverpool lose the final of the Europa League to Sevilla.

1972: Rangers win the UEFA Cup Winner’s Cup.
2016: Rangers lose the Scottish FA Cup to Hibs, whilst recovering from bankruptcy.

1972: British miners go on strike.
2016: British miners are almost extinct.

1972: The pound is allowed to float and is worth USD2.65.
2016: Before the Brexit vote, the pound was worth USD 1.48.

1972: UK unemployment hits 1 million for the first time.
2016: UK unemployment hits a ten-year low of 1.67 million.

1972: British car production peaks at 1.9 million vehicles.
2016: British car production is limited to a man called Brian in his shed.

1972: Deep Purple release “Machine Head”, the Rolling Stones release “Exile on Main Street”, David Bowie releases “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars”.
2016: Coldplay release “A Head Full of Dreams” (no, me neither).

1972: Daytime TV is still subjected to restrictions.
2016: Daytime TV should be subject to restrictions.

1972: Iceland defeats the UK in the Cod War by cutting nets.
2016: Iceland defeats England by hitting nets.

[carelesschucca]

It's the EU referendum aftermath explained?

So, let me get this straight… the leader of the opposition campaigned to stay but secretly wanted to leave, so his party held a non-binding vote to shame him into resigning so someone else could lead the campaign to ignore the result of the non-binding referendum which many people now think was just angry people trying to shame politicians into seeing they’d all done nothing to help them.

Meanwhile, the man who campaigned to leave because he hoped losing would help him win the leadership of his party, accidentally won and ruined any chance of leading because the man who thought he couldn’t lose, did – but resigned before actually doing the thing the vote had been about. The man who’d always thought he’d lead next, campaigned so badly that everyone thought he was lying when he said the economy would crash – and he was, but it did, but he’s not resigned, but, like the man who lost and the man who won, also now can’t become leader. Which means the woman who quietly campaigned to stay but always said she wanted to leave is likely to become leader instead.

Which means she holds the same view as the leader of the opposition but for opposite reasons, but her party’s view of this view is the opposite of the opposition’s. And the opposition aren’t yet opposing anything because the leader isn’t listening to his party, who aren’t listening to the country, who aren’t listening to experts or possibly paying that much attention at all. However, none of their opponents actually want to be the one to do the thing that the vote was about, so there’s not yet anything actually on the table to oppose anyway. And if no one ever does do the thing that most people asked them to do, it will be undemocratic and if any one ever does do it, it will be awful.

Clear?

[Swin]

Originally Posted by carelesschucca

It's the EU referendum aftermath explained?

So, let me get this straight… the leader of the opposition campaigned to stay but secretly wanted to leave, so his party held a non-binding vote to shame him into resigning so someone else could lead the campaign to ignore the result of the non-binding referendum which many people now think was just angry people trying to shame politicians into seeing they’d all done nothing to help them.

Meanwhile, the man who campaigned to leave because he hoped losing would help him win the leadership of his party, accidentally won and ruined any chance of leading because the man who thought he couldn’t lose, did – but resigned before actually doing the thing the vote had been about. The man who’d always thought he’d lead next, campaigned so badly that everyone thought he was lying when he said the economy would crash – and he was, but it did, but he’s not resigned, but, like the man who lost and the man who won, also now can’t become leader. Which means the woman who quietly campaigned to stay but always said she wanted to leave is likely to become leader instead.

Which means she holds the same view as the leader of the opposition but for opposite reasons, but her party’s view of this view is the opposite of the opposition’s. And the opposition aren’t yet opposing anything because the leader isn’t listening to his party, who aren’t listening to the country, who aren’t listening to experts or possibly paying that much attention at all. However, none of their opponents actually want to be the one to do the thing that the vote was about, so there’s not yet anything actually on the table to oppose anyway. And if no one ever does do the thing that most people asked them to do, it will be undemocratic and if any one ever does do it, it will be awful.

Clear?

My brane just melted...

[PyroUK]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union despite our departure rather than switching to German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[punyXpress]

So we can all ditch our spell checkers ( except the Americans )

[punyXpress]

Subject: FW: Pepsi's new product announcement....

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future!

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff
drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[punyXpress]

Two Crocodiles

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Adelaide River.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the river near the car park in Darwin.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an ******** with a briefcase.

[DarrenSV650S]

[punyXpress]

Just found out that I passed my employer's drugs test.

My dealer now has some explaining to do.