The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[BanannaMan]

Enjoying music is like eating candy.
The first you need to do is throw away the rapper.

[BanannaMan]

Before the US Presidential Election last November I fully expected the next 'Leader of the Free World' to be a woman...
And I was right!!!!

[SV650rules]

This cracked me up -

Originally written by John Cleese

Europe reaction to latest terror threats

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit
Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to
"A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "P!ssed Off" to "Let's Get the
B4stards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been
used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll
be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll
need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far,
no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[punyXpress]

POLICE WORK CAN BE ENTERTAINING AS WELL AS DANGEROUS.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

Lawrence explained that, as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop.

"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... Well, there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' Senior Constable Brenda Taylor told the magistrate.

'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'
Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ....

"I said: 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?

"Lawrence froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then.....

He looked me straight in the eye and said: 'A pumpkin? **** - is it Midnight already'?"

THE COURT (AND THE MAGISTRATE) COULD NOT CONTAIN THEIR MIRTH.
THE GEELONG POST WROTE AN ARTICLE DESCRIBING THIS AS 'THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER.'

[BanannaMan]

If Johnny Cash had been born in Britain....
(Or 'the Who' had been born in Arkansas)




https://youtu.be/6bfPwtUTP4k

[SV650rules]

I bought my mate an Elephant for his room

He said "thanks"

I said "don't mention it"

.................................................. ...

Man walks into a butchers shop,

the butcher says "bet you 20 quid you can't get the meat down from the top shelf"

Man says "Nah, the steaks are too high"

.................................................. ..................

Was cooking an Hawaiian Pizza last night and I burnt it, my mate said I should have used aloha setting.

[punyXpress]

A Harley Enthusiast (Biker) is strolling through the Taronga Park Zoo, Sydney, when he sees a little girl leaning into the Lions' cage.

Suddenly, a Lion pounces at the fence and grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming
parents.

The biker runs to the cage and hits the Lion square on the nose with a
powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the Lion jumps back, letting go of the girl and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.

A BBC TV team by chance recorded the entire event. The reporter has also watched the whole event.

The reporter, addressing the biker says, 'Mate, that was the most gallant
and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies It was nothing, really. The Lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist and tonight's 7 O'clock News and 7.30 Report will run this story at the top of the program. So, what do you do for a living and what
political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replied, 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a
Liberal party supporter.'

The BBC journalist makes a few notes and leaves.

That evening the biker sits down to watch the news report of his actions,
and sees first thing on the news:

SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Pretty much sums up the BBC's media's approach these days!

[SV650rules]

Murphys other laws.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone in a big German car would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[punyXpress]

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers - decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship...I was shocked.
------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice.

[punyXpress]

Subject: TEACHING MATHS.


1. Teaching Maths In 1950...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
£____


2. Teaching Maths In 1970...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?
£___


3. Teaching Maths In 1990...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?
__Yes or __No


4. Teaching Maths In 2000...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2015...

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.
Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are counsellors available to assist you adjust back into the real world.


6. Teaching Maths In 2025...

مسجل تبيع شاحنة محملة بالأخشاب مقابل 100 دولار.
أن تكلفة الإنتاج هو 4/5 السعر.
ما هو الربح له؟