The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[punyXpress]

Ireland Declares War On France.

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Macron!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' M replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Macron paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Macron asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Macron sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Macron , the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Macron ! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says macron. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no bloody' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[SV650rules]

*To write with a broken pencil is pointless.*

*When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.*

*A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.*

*When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.*

*The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.*

*The batteries were given out free of charge.*

*A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.*

*A will is a dead giveaway.*

*If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.*

*With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.*

*Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.*

*You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.*

*Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.*

*A boiled egg is hard to beat.*

*When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.*

*Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.*

*Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.*

*If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.*

*A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.*

*In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.*

*When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds*

*The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.*

*He had a photographic memory which was never developed.*

*Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.*

*When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.*

*Acupuncture: a jab well done.*

[punyXpress]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

[punyXpress]

During my check-up I asked the Doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?”

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

[Heorot]

Senior Trying To Reset A Password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER : 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50ferkingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50FERKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50FerkingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDon' tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPeedOff50FerkingBoiled CabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDonotGiveMeAccessNow



WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[DarrenSV650S]

[BanannaMan]

Question:
What is Rockin' like a G6?

Answer:
Canada, this weekend!

[punyXpress]

Residents near the bus and coach workshop in Berlin were kept awake into the early hours last night because of loud hammering and banging coming from the workshop. One resident went to the workshop to find the workers welding the roof back onto the national football teams open top victory bus.

[punyXpress]

Hardly Comedy, but . .

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening, and to ask his advice.
“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. "You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily.”

[Bibio]

that made me giggle