The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here - Page 13 - SV650.org

06-12-06, 04:11 PM

Err... no its not my bike

06-12-06, 09:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vfr400

English Cricket

Well this is the joke section

And hears a few for you......

Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?

A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?

A. An allrounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?

A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?

A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?

A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?

A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?

A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?

A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

tinpants · 06-12-06, 10:06 PM

AT LAST!!!!

Jokes by Cuffy that are actually funny!!

Well, almost funny!

06-12-06, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vfr400

English Cricket

Well this is the joke section

Remember the games not over until the fat man spins

chris

06-12-06, 10:40 PM

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Richie · 07-12-06, 11:36 PM

08-12-06, 09:28 AM

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a
little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding
night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your
mother, and said, 'Here - try these on' She did and said, 'These are
too big I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly I wear the pants in this
family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any
problems." "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here try
these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't
fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.

I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.

She said, "Here-you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said,

"Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

And she lived happly ever after.

08-12-06, 09:30 AM

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of
promises that actually speak of true friendship.

When you are sad-- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry ******* who made you that way.

When you are blue-- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you

When you smile-- I will know you finally got laid.

When you are scared-- I will hassle you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried-- I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining.

When you are confused-- I will use little words.

When you are sick - Stay away from me until you are well again.

When you fall - I will point and laugh.

This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end.

"Why?" you may ask...."because you are my friend."

------------------

Friendship is like wetting your pants: everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth.
------------

And remember ... when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and
call me over!

08-12-06, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beenz

Err... no its not my bike

of course it isn't your bike Beenz - the clue was in the description - both wheels always on the ground!!

fizzwheel · 08-12-06, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cuffy

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle" he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those symbolize Christmas?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....

06-12-06, 10:06 PM	#123
tinpants Ubique Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Forest of Dean, Gloucestershire Posts: 643	AT LAST!!!! Jokes by Cuffy that are actually funny!! Well, almost funny! __________________ Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a pillock

07-12-06, 11:36 PM	#126
Richie fantabulas Mega Poster Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Nr Durham Posts: 4,940	__________________ My Flickr photos

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06-12-06, 04:11 PM	#121
Beenz Guest Posts: n/a	Err... no its not my bike

06-12-06, 10:40 PM	#125
Coddy_SV1000Z Guest Posts: n/a	Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

08-12-06, 09:28 AM	#127
Moo Guest Posts: n/a	Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on' She did and said, 'These are too big I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here-you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will." And she lived happly ever after.

08-12-06, 09:30 AM	#128
Moo Guest Posts: n/a	Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. When you are sad-- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you that way. When you are blue-- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you When you smile-- I will know you finally got laid. When you are scared-- I will hassle you about it every chance I get. When you are worried-- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. When you are confused-- I will use little words. When you are sick - Stay away from me until you are well again. When you fall - I will point and laugh. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask...."because you are my friend." ------------------ Friendship is like wetting your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. ------------ And remember ... when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!