The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[garynortheast]

Two of the local yoof were recently arrested for sniffing battery acid. They were put in cells overnight and charged in the morning.

[SV650rules]

• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

And remember, be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too

[BanannaMan]

The mother in law will be going to the Halloween party as an evil witch.
No word on what costume she's wearing.

[punyXpress]

To cheer you all up this dismal day :

Airport Full Body Scan Status Report



Finally, some useful facts are coming out about all of those airport full body scans!

FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS

TSA disclosed the following

Airport Screening Results

2017 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :

Terrorists Discovered: 0

Transvestites: 133

Hernias: 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172

Enlarged Prostates: 8,249

Breast Implants: 59,350

Natural Blondes: 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

[BanannaMan]

Police came round today and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.


Ha! My dogs don't even ride bikes.

[SV650rules]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by
the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about
possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant .

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
meant.

And in Canada, Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone
hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[SV650rules]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?
Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?


Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

[Bibio]

found the long lost Jack Schitt story in some paperwork i was going through but decided to edit it.

Who is Jack Schitt?

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don’t know Jack Schitt" but now you can intellectually handle the situation.

The response:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Alotta Schitt who were cousins. Jacks father Awe Schitt was the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc which was his fathers. Awe Schitt tragically drowned and as such passed on the family business to Jack.

Jack Schitt married a girl called Nae Way to become Nae Schitt. The couple produced six children Hoile Schitt (a girl), Fulla Schitt (a boy), Giva Schitt (a boy), Bull Schitt (a boy) plus the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt (both girls).

After 10 years of marriage Jack and Nae Schitt got divorced due to Needeep N. Schitt Inc going bust. Later Nae Schitt remarried a man called Ted Sherlock but due to the fact that the kids still stayed with their mother Nae kept her surname in addition to her new surname so becoming Nea Schitt-Sherlock.

After Nae remarried, Jack Schitt was found dead in a sex den with a plastic bag over his head. although Jack never lived long most people still remember his name.

As the years went by the kids of Jack and Nae grew up and got married. The first was Deep and Just like her grand parents Deep Schitt married her cousin Dum Schitt who was also a twin and as such Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt the other twin.

Deep and Dum Schitt had a son who they called Hoarse Schitt.

Dip and Loada Schitt had a son which they called Chicken Schitt.

Fulla and Giva were inseparable while growing up and married the Happens twin girls in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local paper read The big Schitt-Happens wedding.

Fulla Schitt had two children which he named Dawg Schitt a boy and a girl named Coo Schitt.

Giva Schitt had one son which he named Needa Schitt.

Bull Schitt left home to tour Europe and when he returned from Europe he had married an Italian girl now called Pisa Schitt. Bull and Pisa had no children.

Hoile Schitt moved to somewhere in Africa and married Willie Lotter but kept her maiden name as well as take her husbands. Willie and Hoile only had one son who they named Walter Lotter-Schitt.

So now you know who the Schitt family is.

[keith_d]

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1. The England team will chat about the weather, attach bells to their ankles and wave hankies in the air, before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

5. Two white members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away when the opposing team arrives

9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (using a tax break from the UK Government).

11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.

12. The Australians will barbecue the french sheep before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."

13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following discussions with the RSPCA.

[punyXpress]

Originally Posted by Bibio

found the long lost Jack Schitt story in some paperwork i was going through but decided to edit it.

Who is Jack Schitt?

So now you know who the Schitt family is.

The President of the United States knew:
" So funny to see little Adam Schitt (D-CA) talking about the fact that Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker was not approved by the Senate "

Bless him