The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[punyXpress]

No joke really !
" Subject: Philosophy


The Great Lao- Zhu said



"It is only when you see a
mosquito landing on your
testicles that you come to
realise that there can be value in solving
problems without using
violence.”

[garynortheast]

Originally Posted by punyXpress

No joke really !
" Subject: Philosophy


The Great Lao- Zhu said



"It is only when you see a
mosquito landing on your
testicles that you come to
realise that there can be value in solving
problems without using
violence.”

Absolutely! Point well made with humour.

[punyXpress]

No ff'in Comedy in this one !

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.



The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.

It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

After Governmentium is past it’s uselessness it transforms into geriatrium and moves to Another Place where it becomes somnolentium until it can no longer change and thankfully ceases to exist.

nb: this whole shebang is going critical a week tomorrow !

[SV650rules]

@punyXpress that is excellent, but too near the truth

[SV650rules]

My new years resolutions this year include helping the planet by trying to stop using spray on underarm deodorant so it's 'Roll on 2020' -----

[SV650rules]

Had to laugh at somebodies reply to the question ....



Q.... 'I have an old tin of golden syrup how can you tell if it has gone off ?'


A.... 'If it's past its best it'll smell like mole asses'

[punyXpress]

Yet another 'not funny' one:


I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . .

I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual which, according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.

I am older than 70, which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive British culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe in the defence and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.

Now a sick old woman is calling me and my friends a basket of deplorables.

Please help me come to terms with the new me . . . because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!

I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking!

I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly!

Funny . . . it's all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!



As if all this crap wasn't enough to deal with, I'm now afraid to go into either restroom!

* HELP * !

[SV650rules]

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favorite.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[keith_d]

Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

[punyXpress]

Subject: The Meaning of Aplomb!


His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your ***** still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

THAT is aplomb.