The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Adam Ef]

We had a random customer call up and ask...


"how far are you away from me?"

[Dave20046]

Originally Posted by Adam Ef

We had a random customer call up and ask...


"how far are you away from me?"

Does she think you're google?


I had someone ask me how I make their background image on Zoom centred....she sent a screenshot, it was centred she just needed to shift her **** over to be centred with the camera.

I also once had someone ask me how I stop the light switches interfering with their recording equipment (cameras), walked in to inspect , she turned off the lights...and obviously the camera preview went black. That's how light works dear.

[punyXpress]

Beware - there's more

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked:

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded: 'That's why we ask'.

Happened at Luton Airport

[punyXpress]

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded: 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)

[punyXpress]

IDIOT SIGHTING No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car,

we were told the keys had been accidentally locked in it.

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey', I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.



STAY ALERT! They walk among us. AND THEY BREED!

[punyXpress]

Let this be a warning - not much comedy!

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding
officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve
the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and
showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber
sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring
colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,
he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this
office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was
surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless,
scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined
the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three
expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great
Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the
history of . . ."

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind
all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell
him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."

[SV650rules]

English woman and husband visiting Wales for first time noticed most people speaking Welsh - they stopped for lunch in a nice town and woman asked a man on next table 'do you speak English - can you tell me where we are, and please speak slowly because Welsh place names look strange to me' The man leaned closer and said 'B -- U -- R -- G. -- E. -- R. -- K. -- I. -- N. -- G. '....

[punyXpress]

Who's into building specials ?

https://youtu.be/6KBSCNeMUrk

[garynortheast]

Why isn’t Trump allowed in the White House?

Because it’s forBiden.......

[chris8886]

Groooooooan!