The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Shellywoozle]

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

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Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

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A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

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A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold"
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their 1st wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

[Jayneflakes]

[quote=mototech;1565731]A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD' ?'

Granny replies, 'F@*# the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!!'/quote]



This made me cry with laughter, it's just so funny!

Originally Posted by hovis

Paddy's driving down the road swerving all over the place,left,right, left..

PC plod suspects the driver has been drinking ,pulls him over and asks him what the problem is?

Paddy says ''The bloody trees man,they just pop out from nowhere right before my eyes''.

The P.C. replies ''Paddy that's just your airfreshener !''

Originally Posted by hovis

Irishman goes for a job on a building site, foreman asks him whats your name, Paddy Mulligan he says, the foreman says how do you spell it, Paddy says "Stick your ****ing job up ya a***"

An Irish man goes for a job on a building site, the gaffer asks him
- can you sweep up?
=yes
-can you make cups of tea?
=yes
-can you drive a forklift truck?
=why, how big’s your ****ing kettle!!!

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his willy in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm f***ing nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

[DarrenSV650S]

A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, services each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sh...ging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

[Stingo]

Originally Posted by DarrenSV650S

sheep joke'

PMSL!!

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, you know, I think my girl was dead!'


'Dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'

His friend says, 'Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.'

'A witch??.... why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!'

100 men were surveyed and asked what they liked best about oral sex.

10% said they liked the blowing

15% said they liked the sucking

and 75%......






said they liked the peace and quiet.....

This was worth a giggle - involves medical malpractice. Subject may make you squemish: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81v6DjPJhPo

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

'Now. Tell him you have a headache.'