The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[DJ123]

What does an Essex girl and the Costa Concordia have in common?
A large gash full of dead sea-men

Bought a voice pack for my GPS, featuring Bono. I'm going to try get get a refund, it's fooking useless, all the streets have no name.

I went for a pint at the Fiddle. All the beers were really bad, it really is a vile inn. Mind you, the **** is no better, the pints there are foul.

[Paul the 6th]

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Mars - future home to human colonies.

Venus - 860 degrees F and rains sulfuric acid.

Sounds about right.

[Paul the 6th]

That awkward moment your new girlfriend meets your old girlfriend.

In the cellar.

Originally Posted by metalangel

Bought a voice pack for my GPS, featuring Bono. I'm going to try get get a refund, it's fooking useless, all the streets have no name.

That's why you still haven't found what you're looking for!

[Luckypants]

Three Holy Men and a Bear. . .

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. . . Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it. . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Viney]

Guys may i remind you of the U rating of this area. Some of these jokes are a little over the mark. Keep them clean please.

Thank you

The Mod Team

[Bluepete]

Originally Posted by 1210tech

That's why you still haven't found what you're looking for!

That's the winner!

Pete

Originally Posted by 1210tech

That's why you still haven't found what you're looking for!

Meh. I can live, with or without it.

[L3nny]

Originally Posted by 1210tech

That's why you still haven't found what you're looking for!

The only town is a place called Vertigo