The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her
mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband
had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in
the ICU.


The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops
before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last
shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and
finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well
you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last
shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round
the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........








The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He'sdead. What did you buy?'

How do you fix a womens watch?




No need to theres a clock on the oven!!!!

[Bluepete]

http://eminemvsbennyhill.ytmnd.com/

The Best bar.

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

WHAT A WOMAN WILL NEVER SAY


1 Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?

2 You take me out too much. Can't we just stay in?

3 A fake one will do.

4 You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job.

5 Have a night out with your friends, you deserve it.

6 That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body.

7 My mother is a real old bitch.

8 No,no. You buy me too much already.

9 Give it me hard up the **** big boy. You know I love it.

10 What headache?

11 Put your money away, let me buy the round.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
Their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has Happened.





First body: - "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love
To his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.





Second body: - "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery,
Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."


The Inspector then asked, - "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the Coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, Struck by lightning."





"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.





"He thought he was having his photo taken."

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says.
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't
bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if
I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees,
no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half
with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.


'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'

THE HORTH WHITHPERER



A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twot'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's Fanny,

Pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

How many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb?




Three





one to screw it in and two to throw feces at each other.