The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Mr Speirs]

A joke from my industry.

Genie appears in front of a Sound Engineer, Lighting Engineer and a Tour Manager and says he'll grant them each thrre wishes.

Sound engineer says 'I want to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with 20 playboy girls and lots of beer'
Lighting Engineer says 'I want to spend the rest of my life in the bahamas soaking up the sun with every winner of the Miss World Pageant past, present and future'
Tour Manager looks at his watch and says 'I want those two *******s back here by show time'

paady and abdul were beggars outside waterloo station. Abdul has a mercedes a large house and loads of money. Paddy has nothing. Abduls begging was overflowing with tenners. Paddy had a few coins in it.

"how do u do it?" asks Paddy.

"look at your sign" says abdul

Paddy reads his sign - out of work wife and 6 kids to support.
the he reads abduls

I only need anothe £10 to get back to pakistan.

not PC i know but it made me laugh

I don't know if u have heard this one before so . . .

Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse are at a celeberity party and they eventually meet each other for the first time.

Amy says "What do you do?"
Jeremy replies "I do Top Gear"
Amy replies "Really? That is so cool, I'll have 10 grams"

A mate just told me that at work today.

Two fish swimming along, one bumps in to a wall,
the other shouts "Dam!"

Originally Posted by Quedos

not PC i know but it made me laugh

[STRAMASHER]

Why do Harley riders have tassles on their jackets?











So they know they're moving.

Originally Posted by STRAMASHER

Why do Harley riders have tassles on their jackets?

So they know they're moving.

Now I simply cannot wait to get to work tomorrow morning to tell that one to the 2 Hardley Davidson owners

[Stingo]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

A new REME Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And, sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about urges, so the camel can stay .'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy
with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting
a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his
pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No, not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town......
where the girls are.'

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
What's the matter, dear?', she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?'.
The husband looks up from his coffee,
'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive.
'Yes I do' she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car making love?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued..
'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......














'I would have gotten out today'.