The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Pinnocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex, so off he went to Gipetto to see if he could help.

Gipetto suggested that he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated, and Pinnocchio skipped away enlightenend.

A couple of weeks later, Gipetto saw Pinnocchio bouncing through the town and asked him "How's the girfriend?" Pinnocchio repiled, "who needs a girfriend?"

A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a Rottweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually he got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead. A passing reporter commented, "that was fooken fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's life?"
" I'm not a Utd fan" replied the bloke.
"Well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said the reporter.
"I'm not a City fan either" said our hero, " I'm from Liverpool".
"Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper tomorrow" said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day to read the headline - SCOUSE B@STARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!

World War Two - a foxhole in France...

A catholic priest and a rabbi are crouching low during a brutal bombardment of the front lines. The priest looks over at the rabbi just as a mortar explodes only yards away. When the smoke clears he sees the rabbi making the 'sign of the cross'.

"I saw that! I saw you making the sign of the cross!" he says excitedly.
"You do believe in the Christ, afterall!"

"Actually", the rabbi responds, "I was just checking to make sure the blast hadn't knocked loose any of my valuables;

spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch."

Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour,awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Bob says, " Cilla , that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
Cilla once again says, "Great Bob, but tell me, does my holding your testicles in my left hand and your penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
Bob replies, "No, the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my wallet!"

Two old guys are sitting next to each other talking when the first says to the other,
"I think my wife is dead."
"How do you know?" asks the second.
"Well, the sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up in the sink."

A Mistress , an engaged Woman and a Wife all decide to treat their Respective partners to a bit of fetish wear . They all decide to kit up in Stockings , Leather Bra , Leather Panties and a mask .

The next day the Mistress says aloud "My lover was so fired up we made love all night long" .
The engaged Woman said "That`s nothing , my Fiancè and I made love all night long and twice this morning" .
They turned and looked at the married woman with hopeful looks in their faces and the wife said ...............
"My husband came home last night , took his coat off and said `What`s for Dinner Batman ?`"

10 Husbands, Still a VirginA lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Bluepete]

How do you tell what clan a Scotsman is from?

Put your hand up his kilt, if he has a quarter pounder, he's a Mcdonald.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself ashe ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take
off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the **** up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!