The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

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Q. Why do women have orgasms?
A. So that they can moan even when they're enjoying themselves.

Three little ducks go into a Bar......




'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'


'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else
could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddle s
all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
'So, you must be Louie?'




'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

[Bluepete]

[Mr Speirs]

And don't even ask about the day i've had.

Q. Whats the fastest way to a mans Heart?
A. Straight through his chest.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are either too small or disabled.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. 'Cos they cant stand criticism.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because men fake foreplay.

Q. Whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year the dog is still happy to see you.

Q. How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A When you can't get your finger between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. 'Cos they are practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in light bulb?
A. 3, 1 to screw in the light bulb and 2 to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. 'Cos not one will stop to ask for directions.

Q. Why do female Black Widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Why do men whistle when sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end to wipe.

Q. What is the difference between men and women?
A. Women want one man to satisfy their every need. Men want every woman to satisfy their one need.

Q. How do you keep you husband from reading your e-mails
A. Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals"

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Glasgow man who left the snow-filled streets of Glasgow for a holiday in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who cares, they never get the house anyway!
Its been discovered that beer contains female hormones??
Drink to much and you lose the ability to drive and talk lots of crap
A man goes into chemists and asks for a bottle of cyanide. Pharmacist:'I'll have to ask you why you want a bottle of cyanide sir'
Customer: 'I'm going to use it to kill my wife'
Pharmacist:' I'm afraid I can't supply you with cyanide for that reason sir'
The customer then opens his wallet and produces a photograph of his wife which he hands to the pharmacist.
Pharmacist: 'oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise that you had a prescription'

heehee quality Quedos!

3 men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician said " you may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink,"
The first man went down yelling "BEER!" Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.
The second man went down the slide yelling "LEMONADE" PLOP! He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third man went down the slide yelling "WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
; Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,

NFL 3.0< /SPAN>

and

Golf Clubs 4.1

.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0< /B>update.
If that application works as designed,

Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default toGrumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that

Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does=2 0have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0

and

Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

However......

Dear IT Support :

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS*x Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.
Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drains my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Any Ideas ?

you can't call me sexist