The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Bluepete]

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.



Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.



Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow. (brilliant!)



Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?


A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.

I forget where the sun joins in this fight.



Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.>



Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.



Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.



Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.



Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.



Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.


Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)

A: Nearby.



Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.

A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome


Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[Bluepete]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.



TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.



TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.



TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.>



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.>



TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.




TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.




TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

[Stingo]

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

An Englishman, Welshman a West Indian are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.

The nurse comes out and announces they are all new fathers of baby boys. But there's one problem she says "Because they were all born at the same time and we mixed the tags up we don't know which baby is which - could you all come in to try and identify your babies please?"

The men agree and go into the delivery room. Immediately the Englishman picks up the coloured baby and says "yes - this is definately my baby".

The West Indian man says "excuse me but I think it's obvious that's my baby".

The Englishman takes him aside and says "I see where you're coming from but one of those babies is Welsh and i'm just not prepared to take the risk".

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took
their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,

' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'


You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
a
Pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.


After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.

It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.'


``````````````

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.

We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
Chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.

You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided.

The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.

You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

```````````````

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a

Suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

[Stingo]

Oooohhh my sides!!!!




Two homosexual Muslims exploded whilst having sex.











Police say they were suicide bummers.

One


How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb