The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY...

Because I'm a man... when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man... when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

Because I'm a man... when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man... I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man... when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man... I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man... I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man... there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, food, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man... I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay! I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man... you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man... I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it - looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man... and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

[Stu]

Originally Posted by keithd

<snip>

Why post in the comedy thread? I thought it was just real

Keithd,I think Why? should be made into a poster and given to all our beloveds ohh yes!!

[Viney]

Not many totenham jokes!

So here are a couple

Apprently all train services have stopped going through Tottenham due to a massive points faliure.

Upon arriving back in the UK Jose Murrinio(sp?) was asked about taking over the reigns at Tottenham, he replied 'Im not that f**king special'

The council have blocked plans for Tottenhams new stadium. In thier response they said 'We dont mind having a fun fair on the bit of groud once a month, but a circus every fortnight is not on'

I met this kinky girl the other night and she said 'I want you to embraress me as it turns me on' so i put her in a Tottenham shirt

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking b####cks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr##s on everything, and
Then leaves.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not
Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks

I like testiculating!! The word I mean not the action itself!

The 5 steps to happiness:

1) Find a man who loves housework...

2) Find a man who makes you laugh...

3) Find a man who has a great job...

4) Find a man who's a great lover...



























and 5) Make sure that none of these men meet each other!

Originally Posted by stevie

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

Aaaah mystery solved

[Mr Speirs]

BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

No its not a invisible device!!! I can reveal that the device is in fact the Kebab Compass.

[rowdy]

A couple were laying in bed on their wedding night and the bride turns to her husband and said "I have a confession to make darling, when I was younger I was a hooker" she proclaimed

"That's ok darling," said the husband "your past is your past and anyway I actually feel a bit turned on, tell me more."


"Well," said the bride "my name was Brian and I played for Wigan."

An old man totters into a chemist to buy Viagra. "Can I have 6 tablets and can you cut them into quarters please?" he asks.
The Chemist replies."I could cut them for you but a quarter tablet won't give you a full erection" " I am nearly 83 " replies the old man." I don't have much use for a full erection , I just want to stick it out far enough so I don't p1s5 on my slippers".