The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Gazza77]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year … namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

“Hellloooo!” (I told him) “It’s been a year”!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up…. He hasn’t called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won’t underestimate a blonde anymore!

[Gazza77]

Terrorists are reported to have hidden bombs in tins of 'Alphabetti Spagetti'

The authorities say that if they go off it could spell disaster.

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

[Viney]

Havent seen that one in ages

Originally Posted by Viney

Havent seen that one in ages

Old ones are the best ones...

[Gazza77]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the
house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said
a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to
do to be able to come fishing this weekend.. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[DarrenSV650S]

The body of a man has been found in the Thames. He was found wearing high heels, women's knickers, fishnet stockings and a Honda shirt. He was also wearing lipstick and had a dildo up his ****.

Before recovering his body, the police removed the Honda shirt to spare any embarrassment to his family

My wife was telling her friend that obesity is in her genes.

I had to point out to her that that wasn't true and she looked a fat cnut in a skirt as well.

[Wideboy]

This cannibal caught a missionary in the jungle. He said to him Whats the best way to eat you? Boiled or roasted?
The missionary said, To tell you the truth, I'm a friar

Originally Posted by Gazza77

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the
house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said
a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to
do to be able to come fishing this weekend.. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'